Getting ready to board a flight right now but I can post more of my story in a bit.

For now, know that you are not alone. Seriously. Your story echoes mine (plus a couple of decades out of the church). Since I've been coming back into faith recently, the darndest thing has started happening- people have started talking to me. Just randomly starting conversations to tell me their stories.

I tell them I'm certainly not the guy to point out the scriptures or doctrine for them yet, but I'm happy to listen.

In half a dozen of these encounters over the past few weeks, every single person has had the same story. Not a huge sample size, sure, but enough to convince me I need to keep listening when people need to talk.

I'm thinking we might be shocked and dismayed if we all realized how common of an experience this is right now. But the positive is that there are 100% people here on this board and out there in the world who are with you and while each of our struggles are unique, there seems to be a whole lot of overlap.

One word of caution, this board is awesome, but a lot of folks like to spar on here, which can be confusing and disorienting with where you are. If you're on here and feel that way, log off and take a deep breath. You don't have to figure it all out today based on Texags.

So remember, in every imaginable sense of the phrase, you are not alone. You are not wrong for being. You are seen, and you are loved.

More to follow

cvenag03 said:

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Posted here before about some of this. I've struggled for so long with happiness and anxiety and security and anger.

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Chasing happiness is one of the greatest lies of modern existence. Happiness isn't something to be chased but rather a reflection that the "macronutrients" of your life are properly balanced. Arthur Brooks is a leading researcher on "happiness". Harvard found that many of their graduates, despite acquiring high wealth and high status, were miserable. They hired him to work with their business students and it has quickly become one of the most popular classes on campus.

If you want the data with a religious tilt:



If you want the date with a more secular tilt:



He just published his latest book (I have it but haven't read it yet)

Amazon.com: The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: 9780593545423: Brooks, Arthur C.: Books

I'm one of several Orthodox Christians on here and there is a great program at A&M if you feel the call to reach out.

https://ocf.net/campusmissionaries/tamu/about/meet/

But I don't want the perfect to be the enemy of the good...if a Catholic, Baptist, or any other church feels like home and feels comfortable walking into then I'd highly recommend doing that. That's much better than sitting at home.

I'll echo what others have said: It's way more common than you think and there is no shame in it. Young men used ot have close relationships with fathers, uncles, pastors, and men in the community in general. That is almost completely gone. Seeking out a replacement for those human needs is not shameful at all. God made us to be social creature, so when society gets the role of family and friends all wrong, it's natural we're going to struggle.

I recommend looking at it as you taking the initiative to overcome educational defects that modern society left you, without taking a victim role of "look what modern society did to me". That was a very freeing moment in my marriage and parenthood with my wife. Once we took on the mentality that society is jacked up and taught us all sorts of BS, and now we're trying to figure out what God meant it to be like, it allowed for a lot more self-forgiveness and patience It also increased our enthusiasm to figure it out through prayer, seeking advice, etc. And lastly it allowed for more understanding for those that are still struggling rather than judgement.

I'll pray for you. I hope you give yourself some grace for where you're at in life without giving yourself license to stay there.

I said a prayer for you. And know that I'm praying for you, along with many others.

Our journey is a tough one, and many of us have been where you are. It's human nature. HUMAN.

The good news is that God loves you and sent his Son for you, to take your burden. Give it to Him. He wants you to unload it onto His shoulders.

At one time I struggled with my faith. And maybe I still do, but God answers our prayers. He answered one of mine yesterday in a big way. However, sometimes we have to look for the answer to our prayers, and can only see the answer in hindsight. God knows what we will pray for and he is ready for it.

PM me if you ever need a buddy. I've got your back. We've all got your back. And God has your back.

Find a church, find a counselor, find a buddy, find someone. And put your faith in Jesus to find all of those things.

Hang in there. You are loved.

Trust God to carry you through. Continue in His Word. The work is His.
1 Peter 5:
" 6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

How are you doing? Still praying.

UTExan said:

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Trust God to carry you through. Continue in His Word. The work is His.
1 Peter 5:
" 6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

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Just clarifying your encouragement as a way of not offering some kind of false peace or security.

OP stated, "I grew up in the church but haven't regularly attended for over a year. I don't think I ever had saving faith. I wish I did but when I stopped attending church nothing really changed in my life. I've never read the Bible much or had a prayer life."

So while I have no disagreements with the text you provided, God also is not going to "carry through" nor will they be exalted unless they have "humbled yourself under the mighty hand of God."

So I would plead with the OP, there is no other hope this life offers than that of Jesus Christ, We are all fallen and lawless in our natural state. Whether it be anger, lust, greed, drunkenness, or a combination of everything, none of us can live up to the standard God has placed in front of us. The good news is that God so loved the world that he did send his Son, a perfect, spotless lamb, to live the life we never could so we could be reconciled to God. God did this out of an overflow of his mercy, that He alone chose to give. When we do humble ourselves and confess Christ is who he says he is and give our lives to him, he will take our filthy rags and adorn us with new cloths. He will take our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh that will seek his face. Just as Jacob did, wrestle with the things of God and let his Word pour over you. If you believe, confess and repent and live into your new life in Christ!

Praying for you as well and for the Lord to engage you in this important step.

Would love to see a reply from you. Hope you are doing well, and ready to nail your finals!

Ok, I promised more to follow so here we go. This is more than I've ever shared on Texags, so some of the delay was a crazy week, and some was admittedly hemming and hawing over how much to share. I want to restate that I am not a trained theologian. I accept that much of what is typed below may seem flat out wrong to folks here, but it's put me on a path where I'm hoping to grow and learn and see the error of my ways, and for the first time I can remember in my life, I'm really excited for the future. This is more spiritual than my last post, and it's WAYYYY longer; please don't feel like my story has to be your story or that you have to commit this to memory. There will not be a quiz at the end.


I grew up in the Church - Presbyterian to be exact, and it was the stereotype of "God's Waiting Room." I've been shushed for being too loud outside in the courtyard after the service lol, but I know they loved me and were trying to raise me right in their own way. In contrast, many of the other more popular churches in my hometown were overflowing with people dancing and waving hands about being saved. In comparison to my childhood experience of Christianity, it felt more social than anything, as if "born again" was some club pledge for fun times to which I did not receive an invitation.


I left town for college and spent the next 22 years chasing all sorts of connections and disconnections, approval of friends and family, women, booze (definitely booze), hobbies. If I thought it could fill my time and give me an approximation of purpose, I was there for it. It resulted in me realizing that those things did not contain purpose, at least not in the intimately personal sense. During this time, I had a CONSTANT internal dialogue "I hate myself. Why am I such a piece of ****, when I'm pretty sure I just want to be a good person. What even is the point of all this, to what end does it even make sense for me to keep going." Dark stuff. Constant repeat. 22 years. Thankfully, I'm a very stubborn person. People joke "Not today Satan!" but I actually rallied behind that often as my very last piece of armor against the world. Not that I knew I was doing it at the time.


And I should say, I've had good, meaningful times in life. I've gotten married to a beautiful, supportive, conscientious woman who has been essential to helping me down my road. At one point about 5 years ago, we were both sitting on the couch, reading in silence, when I just randomly threw out "Is it just me, or does nobody have any idea what's going on? Like, we're ALL just trying to figure out this life stuff every day, right?"


And from that one statement, I started down a road of trying to figure out, through philosophy and history, what are the implications if really nobody knows what's going on. I tore my ACL skiing shortly thereafter, and during recovery, I watched a lot of The Good Place and a lot of history/philosophy/psychology lectures on The Great Courses (it's on Prime). It felt like I was collecting a lot of moral and ethical puzzle pieces, but nothing was fitting together. I was finding pieces and just storing them in the puzzle box. The noise, frustration, internal dialogue, and a growing frustration/anger remained.


A few months ago, I was down in Rhode Island for work (I live in NH, so it was a driving trip). I had a rough holiday season, and I was feeling a little better, but still not great. I don't know why this was the moment, but during the trip, I pulled into a parking lot behind an office building and said "Ok Lord, I always said I'd come back eventually, and now is the time. I cannot do this by myself, and God knows I've tried. So if you'll still have me, I'm ready." And then I thought I was being sneaky "Seeing as how it's been a few decades, if you could do me a solid and maybe just help point me in the right direction…maybe send a few signs?"


I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.


Later that day, I thought to myself "Man, I miss my Grandma." She died when I was in Jr high, so it's been a while, and although I think about her a lot, it's in terms of old memories, never an active thing. All of a sudden in my internal dialogue, I heard "I am here." and boom, like a thunderclap of peace, all the noise and confusion and internal discordance was gone. I thought, "oh cool, that must be some Jungian archetypal figure in my mind working between my ego and shadow to untie the internal struggle I've been carrying for years."


And then the signs I asked for started coming, in a big way, and I've come to think that moment was something altogether different.


One example, when I was leaving RI to head home the next day, I was pulling off the highway for gas and coffee at an exit I've taken 2 dozen times. For the first time ever, I took the west exit when I needed the east exit. It took me by a burned out, abandoned old shopping mall where I stopped at a light behind 3 or 4 cars, and at that intersection, there was one single person holding one sign 3 or 4 cars back, pointing directly at me "Believe Christ."


"You need a sign, you joker, here's your dadgum sign."


Without recounting every single thing that's happened since then, I've started to think that it's not so much that signs are being hand delivered to me personally, but that there is awesomeness inherent in the world all around us and that me finally noticing all these things is more about my willingness to really, honestly accept His presence that has opened my heart and mind to seeing what was always there.


One thing I've noticed is that as I've been opening my Bible a lot recently, there's been a funny way of randomly opening to a passage that has been very much applicable to what's been going on with me at that moment. I'm not sure if my interpretation of these has been correct, but I know it's been way more than enough motivation to keep going, to have patience that as I continue to grow in my faith that my understanding of Him will inevitably change, but that's something I'm very much looking forward to.


For reference, here are the first 3 readings I opened to that I've been thinking about a lot:

• 1 Peter 1: 3-9: This was the very first. Grabbed the family Bible off the bookshelf, randomly opened to this, and I cried. Like nasty, sloppy crying.
• Matthew 16: 1-4: As a Sailor who asked for sign, I've been wrestling with this one. Still am.
• Mark 4: 1-20: I've jumped from hobby to hobby trying to find my purpose for years. I think I bought half the Orvis fly fishing catalog in 3 months and haven't touched it in 3 years lol. My life has been on rocky soil. I cannot let this be that; time to get planted in the good stuff.

A few closing thoughts on my future in this world:


I've posted a little bit in the Outdoor board about how I left my job at a tech startup to go back to school at the North Bennett Street School in Boston to study preservation carpentry - fixing up old buildings. I think timber framing is just about the coolest thing you can do with wood or with your hands, and I want to save the really great old frames that quite frankly, few folks know how to build from scratch any more. Long story short, I think the most interesting parts of a timber frame are in the roof, and the most interesting roofs up here are in the country churches of New England, so yeah, now I want to restore the historic church roofs of New England. And even while all the BS and confusion was swirling all those years, I was heading in this direction all along though all those random hobbies, and the folks I came across along the way, all of it. It's crazy that this clarity about work down here just seemed to crystalize at this exact moment in my journey. Or maybe it's not crazy at all.


So that's the end of my wall of text. Feel free to DM me at any time. I'm happy to share my email or phone number if I can be any help at all.

This hit me hard. Such raw pain. When I heard about Theo Von's recent comments/confession, I immediately thought of this thread. I hope this story can help someone in need.

Theo comments about how broken he is, his struggles. He brings up the story of Jesus and the sick man at the well, John 5:6. He laments on Christ asking the man, "Do you want to be healed?". He then goes on to wonder that perhaps he doesn't because the comfort he has in the brokenness and the fear he has of having to leave that behind.

I hope and pray that the OP, Theo, and anyone dealing with struggles can find the courage to leave their brokenness at the foot of the Cross and follow Jesus. For Christ tells us:

"Come to me all who are weary and burden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am humble and gentle in heart and you will find rest in your souls for my yoke is comfortable and my burden is light"
-Matt 11:28-30

ETA: This is another great synopsis with more of what Theo said: