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I just can't get on the same page with you about the joy of sex not being used as a tool to keep parents together, even if they don't want more kids.
Divorce ****ing sucks. For everyone involved.
I don't understand what you're saying here.
I mean, for starters, if your premise were true divorce would be significantly reduced in the evangelical / pro-contraception community vs the RCC. In reality, we see the opposite - evangelical christians not only have a higher divorce rate than catholics, they have a higher divorce rate of the general population of the US!
But no one is saying that sex is bad or shouldn't be practiced or anything like that. The RCC even has a name for both parts, the unitive and procreative aspects, and they are two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other.
I don't think anyone is saying that the procreative aspect is dominant over the unitive. However! The case is made that if you
remove the procreative aspect, you are damaging the spirit of the marriage, just as much as if you remove the unitive. It can't be either or, it always has to be both and.
It's not any different than something like food. Food's purpose is manifold. In it's proper place and use it tastes good, it looks good, it is pleasurable to eat, and its nourishing. The end purpose or telos of food assumes that it is also tasty. Nourishing food that is disgusting to eat is not good food. Tasty food that is not nourishing is not good food. In either case they are diminished. And, if you take either extreme you find pathways to sin.
If you had someone telling you that they loved to eat with a good friend, but both became concerned about their weight, so to preserve the friendship they ate and then purged the food - you would rightly say those people have an
unhealthy relationship with food. Sex is exactly the same, with the same kind of risks. I think many people have an unhealthy relationship with sex, even (or perhaps especially) married people. If your first reaction to that is that it isn't possible I think you need to challenge your own assumptions on the topic.
I think there are two reasons you get so much cross-talk on this subject: one, modern Christians are very influenced by Plato. You see it in this thread - the reification of the soul, the idea of a disembodied spirit heaven, etc., but also in how the ideas of simplicity and hierarchy are elevated to the point where all distinction implies opposition. What I mean by that last part is that in Platonic thought if there are two goods, one must be higher than the other by necessity - since simplicity is ultimate, the distinction requires it. So people ask questions like "is it better to be single or married?" when the answer is: yes. The distinction between the unitive and procreative aspect
does not invite a hierarchy. They are both goods, and we don't need to pit them against one another.
The second reason is modern Christianity has a really strange relationship with asceticism. You do have a residual puritanical piety that does play out in a form of asceticism in the US - the idea of living simply, not being ostentatious, and a strong suspicion of worldly pleasures.I think it's because the west has completely lost the practice of fasting and all that comes with it, so there's a misunderstanding of self-abnegation that at its worst turns into either a gnostic rejection of the material or a reaction to that resulting in a kind of sanctioned libertinism (i.e., in the marriage bed literally anything goes).