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I'm feelin' kinda depressed.

I guess I'm thinking about my old girlfriend. Oh, we were together about three years. Guess I kinda miss her ...

She's not living anymore ... and I guess I blame myself for her death.

We were at a party one night. We weren't getting along. She began to drink. She ran out to the car, I followed her out. I guess I didn't realize how much she'd been drinking. She asked me to drive her home, and I refused. We argued a little bit further, she asked me once again ... would you PLEASE drive me home? ... I didn't want to ...




So I shot her.

--Steve Martin

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"I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk."

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"So, I was fixing the sprocket flange on the Heidigger sprinkler, and I asked my assistant for the Findley socket wrench and he says, "It's a sprocket, not a socket!"

Crickets chirping.

"Is the plumbers' convention in town tomorrow night?"

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"Oh there's a baby in the audience. I love babies. I have a special joke just for babies...

These two lesbians are walking down the road....."

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I thought of something I read about a year ago that has completely changed my life, and tonight I would like to share this with you. It's not often in literature that you come across a phrase or sentence that really means a lot to you, and I'd like to read it for you right now. ( pulls paper out of pocket ) "Apply to infested area."

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But the danger in coming out on TV shows and doing omedy monologues and relasing comedy albums - you can be typecast as a comedian. So what I do in the summertime - I'm happy to announce this - I always do Shakespearean festivals. This summer I'll be going down to San Diego for two weeks to do Shakespeare in the Park - We'll be doing King Lear - I'll be playing the part of Little Richard. Then I'll go up to San Franscico for three weeks for Shakepspeare Under the Stars, we'll be doing Romeo & Juliet - I'll be playing the role of Earl the Jacuzzi Salesman.

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“Q: How you do make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Douse it in gasoline, and throw it into the fireplace ”

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Ruprecht, do we need to get the genital cuff?

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