Every Christmas, the entire Porkchop family gathers on Christmas Eve for our humble meal, and before we dig in, I always say a prayer to Maroon Barchetta. My wife, of course, thinks this is a fool's errand, and scolds me, wondering why I would offer thanks to God for such a person as this.
"Dear heart," I tell her, patting her softly on the arm. "If it twasn't for Mr. Barchetta, how would I know what a terrible person I have been and will be for the rest of my life? He keeps me honest and humble, taking his little digs at me in between his fascinating posts about license plates and reposting basically everything he's ever seen on Reddit's Star Wars humor page. The man is ceaseless in his dedication to making sure that I know that he knows exactly who I am, and that he will continue to make it known that he knows, and continue to skirt the thin line between bannable statements and non-bannable statements."
She nods, she gets it She is of the womanly persuasion, so things take a bit longer for her to process, but with careful consideration, she realizes Mr. Barchetta's immense worth in our family dynamic. "So," she says, trying logic tentatively, "you mean to say that when Maroon Barchetta continues to post about you even when the subject matter has nothing to do with you, what he's really doing is helping you?"
I smack my hand on the table. "YES!" I say with a mirth-filled laugh that jostles the children and the dogs from their pre-meal lull. "You've got it exactly! At first I didn't understand the genius of Mr. Barchetta's tact. Why would you believe my own father said that he believed Mr. Barchetta was a colossal ******bag with no measurable *****? Why, I thought my patriarch and I would come to blows over such an insult to dear Old Maroony. I had to explain to my Papa that the true meaning of giving was to give people what they think they don't want, and not only that, but give it to them, even when they DM you over and over to stop giving them what they want, and call them out on other threads about it. That's when you know that someone truly loves you, and I have no problem accepting Maroon Barchetta's undying love and support for my well-being this holiday season."
So thank you, Maroony old chum, for continuing to remind me that you think I am a terrible person. It means the world to me that you take time out of your busy schedule, to think of me, to let me know that you're thinking of me, and to say in your own off-kilter, lovable, crotchety way, that you love me.
Every time you post about me from now on, you'll just be confirming that love. You're a beautiful man and I am so blessed that among all of the thousands of posters on TexAgs, you go out of your way to post about me so much.
Yours in brotherly love, Porkchop
Life is better with a beagle