Reading the Only Children thread, I'm surprised how many people are saying they're estranged or cut off or disowned from their family (or their family from them).

How many of you fall into this bucket? Was there a catalyst or major event that you can pin point? Or did it gradually occur over time? If you had to be honest, who was at fault?

I don't fall into this category. The closest is an aunt (dad's sister) who went a little crazy after my dad died and I haven't spoken to in a couple of years. But, honestly, I really didn't talk to her much before my dad died and if she called or texted needing something, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I think the same would be true if the situation were reversed.

Anyway, what's your story?

No

My family is awesome

My family wishes I was.

No, and I can't think of anyone in my family who is estranged from the rest of us. My family is everything. My mom's side and dad's side even do things together because the two families are close. I thought we were going to have some drama after my sister passed away, and we were very worried that we would never see my nephews again. But we patched things up with the BIL and now are close to him, his new wife, and her family. I'm so thankful for her; she loves my nephews like they're her own.

I wouldn't say cut off.

But I do find that I get along with some family members better at a bit of an arm's length.

After my dad died and my three siblings decided the ranch had to go, it strained relations for sure. Didn't help I was in charge of the estate after my dad removed my oldest sister years ago. I rarely talk to my liberal brother or sister anymore .

I think we all have those. The aforementioned aunt, for example. A little bit of her goes a long way.

It amazes me how a death (especially of a mom or dad) can bring out the absolute worst in a family.

When my grandpa died, my aunt:
-accused my dad of stealing things from his house in the middle of the night
-threatened to sue his doctor (he died during a complicated heart surgery in 2005)
-caused a giant scene when my dad didn't have him buried in his house shows (???)

When my dad died, she accused my step-mom of stealing the family Bible. We didn't even know there was a family Bible.

Uncle Howdy said:

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No

My family is awesome

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Same

I'm into electronics and my family calls me very strange.

So I guess I qualify for being estranged.

No, but I've lived at least 1500 miles away from my family since I was 19 and apparently the phone, unlike Highway 6, does not go both ways. They always have an excuse for why they never initiate phone calls.

There are a whole bunch of reasons to be estranged or cut off from family.

1. Distance. Just simple distance. In my experience, if you're a plane ride away from some family they just won't visit and cut back on the amount of phone calls. You have to make the effort to physically go visit these people and, very often, they will flake out on planned time with you on the trips. They don't call because it is too hard to deal with the time differences or it's too expensive.

2. Generational. For some reason my maternal grandfather never spoke to me about his siblings. I don't know their names or even how many of them there were. His stories painted himself as a bit of hell on wheels so he might have those burned bridges by himself. That left his daughter and granddaughter with no bridges to cross.

3. Viciousness. Some people just like to be jackholes and family members make great targets. Throw in the rest of the family saying, "but he's family!" or "that's just the way she is!" and the jackhole just keeps on with the attacks until the target is excluded to "keep the peace" or the target just decides not be a target any more.

4. Just don't care. Some people are family but just don't care about each other. Maybe they didn't spend enough time together or just have completely different goals in life and just drift apart.

5. Clout. With the rise of the internet and victim points, people can get lots of clicks and likes for posting exaggerated tales of how horrible their family is and how they have cut their 'toxic' relatives out of their life.

6. Mental illness. Whether formally diagnosed or not, mental illness can drive a person from a loving family or cause a loving family to push out that person to protect the rest of the family. Wolfpac 08's description of his aunt's false and strange accusations are great examples.

I'm not including avoiding family members that are criminals, violent, druggies, or just evil as estrangement. That is self preservation and common sense.

I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

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And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

No. I'm half a country away from most of my family so don't see them too often, but not at all estranged.

Wolfpac 08 said:

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burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

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And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

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Among other things, she is convinced she has leaky gut syndrome and is big into all natural treatments.


It's infuriating.

I'm not really - kind of expected to be but that didn't really happen. We're not exactly close though.

Brother I grew up with (different father), dead for a decade now. Parents are still back in TX but we still talk a lot. My cousins who I grew up knowing about,and who are still alive, are the better part of 20 years older than me. I grew up far away from them anyway so most I've only seen at funerals.

Biological paternal side, I'll most likely never meet any of them. To him my existence was never of any consequence. I was not intended, therefore I do not matter. Joke's on him because I have his only grandchildren and he can go to his grave knowing that.

Here at home I have my dog and kids, guess that'll have to do.

burrito post said:

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Wolfpac 08 said:

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burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

---

And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

---

Among other things, she is convinced she has leaky gut syndrome and is big into all natural treatments.


It's infuriating.

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Lol I had a patient today who told our Dr that he wants nothing but all natural treatments to stay healthy.

He owns several McDonald's franchises.

wangus12 said:

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burrito post said:

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Wolfpac 08 said:

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burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

---

And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

---

Among other things, she is convinced she has leaky gut syndrome and is big into all natural treatments.


It's infuriating.

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Lol I had a patient today who told our Dr that he wants nothing but all natural treatments to stay healthy.

He owns several McDonald's franchises.

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If the patient only wanted natural treatments why go to the doctor at all?

ME92 said:

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wangus12 said:

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burrito post said:

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Wolfpac 08 said:

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burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

---

And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

---

Among other things, she is convinced she has leaky gut syndrome and is big into all natural treatments.


It's infuriating.

---

Lol I had a patient today who told our Dr that he wants nothing but all natural treatments to stay healthy.

He owns several McDonald's franchises.

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If the patient only wanted natural treatments why go to the doctor at all?

---

Practicing medicine being synonymous with prescribing drugs is about 10 minutes old.

Not from my family. We've had hard times, but I'm lucky that we're all okay and remain close.

My ex's family is another story. We were very close knit for many years. Even after he and I separated, nothing really changed extended family-wise. But then his dad retired and stopped treating his bi-polar and everything spiraled. MIL divorced him after 40 years of marriage, took way more than half of everything, and left FIL homeless with nothing but his pension and 50% of his social security after he'd worked for the last 30 years as an engineer - supporting her as a SAHM and both of my brothers-in-law and their wives through undergrad and grad school.

Both of my BIL used the divorce as their justification to completely cut FIL off - they won't see or speak to him, or even write a check for his expenses. So for the last three years, XH and I have been his guardians and only caregivers. It's been a massive burden emotionally, practically, and financially. We only recently got him to some semblance of stability, where he's living in an assisted living facility and back on his meds after multiple hospital stays and limb amputations.

My XH had several nasty arguments with his brothers as things were spiraling and we were practically begging for help. He eventually cut them off and they haven't spoken for about 18 months. For a while, I maintained my relationship with everyone for my daughter's sake, but finally I was so frustrated and resentful that I couldn't stand to be around them anymore. Now I facilitate her seeing them and I'm polite, but I don't spend time with them myself.

Every year I speak with my mother less and less. She's an emotionally abusive alcoholic and my parents live 6 hours away. I've given up trying to keep in touch with her because everytime I'd call she'd be drunk. The only time she contacts me is when she's been drinking and it's only text messages. The messages are usually pretty hateful so I block her once she starts texting me. I can tell instantly when she's drunk vs sober. I see her a couple times a year and it's cordial because she won't drink on visits. But I don't really have any relationship with my mother anymore because there's no relationship to have. She's just become this shell of a human being that's counting the minutes until her next drink. I have a family of my own now and I don't have the time or energy to deal with her so I've just moved on.

I'm the only one that talks to everyone on my side.
Parents divorced and don't talk to each other, if there is a grand kid event they will both show up rarely and if they do they avoid each other. Only sibling doesn't talk to my mom at all going on 2 years now.

Fortunately my family and my in-laws are incredible so I focus on them. I somehow manage to get along with my parents and sibling , they just all suck.

Yes, their choice, not mine.

For some unknown reason, myself and my sister were purposely looked over and forgotten about by the vast majority of my paternal family while our other sister was lifted up to the pantheon of having a loving family adore and cherish her. This happened before I was even 4yo. Jessica was 7yo. To grow up thinking we are bad people and did something bad because we were not chosen to be loved and recognized damaged us both in ways that we are still discovering to this day. And left enough scars that I personally will never forgive what happened. My choice now, not theirs. I don't even care to know what the "reason" was anymore. We were small children. You don't do that to kin who can't comprehend what is happening, but can feel the effects of it regardless. Especially when there were three kids and one is chosen to be the golden one and literally lifted up and away into loving arms when she was 11 while the other two were left in squalor and neglect and confusion.

Got the last laugh on that one though, Erica turned out to be such a psycho narcissist drama queen addict that damn near ruined all of the "loving" family she came in contact with.

Damn.

Haven't spoken to my brother in at least a decade. Nothing happened, were just never close. Stranger to me now. We both talk to my parents, him far less so.

When the parents are alive, you are family. After the parents die, you are relatives.

Aquin said:

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When the parents are alive, you are family. After the parents die, you are relatives.

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Lots of truth to this. I'm the youngest at ~64 and 11 years separating me from the oldest and 5 from the nearest. We've almost all had life changing experiences from death of a child, to divorce, and death of a spouse. We're different people with the same parents.

wangus12 said:

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burrito post said:

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Wolfpac 08 said:

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burrito post said:

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I wish I was estranged from my sister in law.

She is a deadbeat that hasn't worked since December 2015
She lives with my inlaws but won't talk to my wife or I
My in laws live in a house that we own.
We financially support my inlaws and by default my SIL
I like my MIL but she refuses to hold my SIL accountable
My SIL is very religious and thinks we are going to hell for many reasons
When asked why she won't get a job or work she says it's because of heath reasons.
She doesn't believe in western medicine, refuses to go to a doctor, and believes God will heal her.
She has always wanted kids but only ever manages to online date other religious weirdos
She just turned 49




So yeah I wish I didn't have to deal with her crap, but here we are.

---

And when she dies she's going to ask God "why didn't you heal me?!" And he'll reply "I gave you western medicine…what more did you want?!"

---

Among other things, she is convinced she has leaky gut syndrome and is big into all natural treatments.


It's infuriating.

---

Lol I had a patient today who told our Dr that he wants nothing but all natural treatments to stay healthy.

He owns several McDonald's franchises.

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My situation was not so bad, but similar. The youngest children really didn't do much noteworthy in their parent's judgment until - well, pretty much ever. The older kids had more important high school stuff when I was a snotty nosed brat. They were starting careers and having grandchildren when I was going to college.

It was rare my parents came to any of my events because there was always something more important to go to for one of the older children.

While I learned a long time ago to deal with it and win by succeeding in life, it has been painful to watch the disregard extended to my own children. While everyone was expected to attend concerts, graduations, baptisms, etc for the older grandchildren, no one showed much interest towards my kids since it was all "old hat" by then. And they noticed.