I retired from the army after 20 years with severe PTSD. It was the most humbling event have I ever experienced. There were times I thought about my existence on earth. It took me several long years to heal 160 degrees. However, now I am absolutely excited about life. I have the time and energy to help my wife in any way possible I can. I am lucky because I fall in love more with her every year.

I am in the drivers seat now and full of hope that I have much control over my destiny. My grand design is to come out of retirement; thus my wife can retire, and we can explore the world together which she dreams of. I am now able to channel my passions. I am rewriting my PTSD healing book and cookbook.

Keep fighting and stay the course. This can be you some day. You will see again the beauty the world offers, your spirit will be fixed, and love will prevail in your heart. You will feel jubilation some day.

I listen to a lot of music that make me feel good. This is my favorite song for the week: Mylne Farmer - Dsenchante (Stade de France Live) (youtube.com)

Autism spectrum disorder. I found out when I was 30 and it has wreaked havoc on my career, relationships, and mental health. I have lost several jobs because of this and was in a toxic relationship for almost ten years.

Hoosegow said:

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I drank A LOT. Wouldn't be a path I'd recommend but worked for me at the time.

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Researchers say 40% of the people with PTSD have addictions. I am not proud to say I was a functional alcoholic with PTSD. What a horrific combination.

I'm not going to give you advice (on anything but tapas), since that's not what you asked for and there's already great advice that's been offered - things my therapist would share with

What you're going through sounds really freaking hard. I don't know what it's like to have (effectively) lost a child or to navigate care for a children in the way that you've described, but I make up that it's a rollercoaster of feeling some combination of grief, anger, frustration, helplessness, isolation, resentment and maybe even guilt or shame - sometimes all at once. It must be a special hell having to experience even one of the things you've described, let alone all of them at once.

When I've experienced those intense times in my life where everything falls apart, my whole world narrows to whatever is happening and everything else blurs into the background. I become hyper-fixated and eventually become numb, rudderless as you described. There's a lot of going through the motions as I felt completely hollow. You only have so much to give before you're empty and just trying to make it from one day to the next.

So yes, comparing it to having died or describing it as a death of self makes sense to me. Life is really hard and completely sucks sometimes. It sounds like this is one of those times for you.

That sounds really, really ****ing terrible and I am SO sorry that you had to experience something like that. You didn't deserve to have to do something like that. God, I can only imagine the insane shame you must've carried for so much of your life - shame that didn't belong to you and that you didn't deserve to carry. That is heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

713nervy said:

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I'm not going to give you advice (on anything but tapas), since that's not what you asked for and there's already great advice that's been offered - things my therapist would share with

What you're going through sounds really freaking hard. I don't know what it's like to have (effectively) lost a child or to navigate care for a children in the way that you've described, but I make up that it's a rollercoaster of feeling some combination of grief, anger, frustration, helplessness, isolation, resentment and maybe even guilt or shame - sometimes all at once. It must be a special hell having to experience even one of the things you've described, let alone all of them at once.

When I've experienced those intense times in my life where everything falls apart, my whole world narrows to whatever is happening and everything else blurs into the background. I become hyper-fixated and eventually become numb, rudderless as you described. There's a lot of going through the motions as I felt completely hollow. You only have so much to give before you're empty and just trying to make it from one day to the next.

So yes, comparing it to having died or describing it as a death of self makes sense to me. Life is really hard and completely sucks sometimes. It sounds like this is one of those times for you.

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Yes, highlighted where you nailed it.

Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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No. You will absolutely never be the same person again. A part of the tapestry of your soul has been ripped out. You will never be put together the same way again. But that doesn't mean you can't be whole.

If anything, you will have gained a super power. You are changed. Stronger. And more importantly, you will be able to see beauty more vividly as it contrasts against the backdrop of pain. It seems that the beauty of life can only be truly witnessed through the lens of pain.

You insight into life will change. What matters. What doesn't.

Your insight into friends will change. Some, you realize are just fun to drink beer with, others will get down in the trench with you.

You will wrestle with the meaning of existence. Whether it matters or not. Whether life has meaning or it doesn't. Maybe get to the point where that question is immaterial and focus on what you do every day because what you do everyday is how you spend your life. One that will end. Maybe you seek Gods help with this, maybe not.

We can't see the arc of our lives while in it. All we can do is try and fill it with what we deem meaningful to us.

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You will never fly the same again because your wings have changed. This is how I changed:

- Lost my passion for fishing and cooking.
- My memory is horrible.
- I am a bit numb to life.
- I have become quite humble.
- More sense of compassion.
- Sometimes I don't see and hear things properly, thus I am super careful when I drive.
- I still have a few racing thoughts.
- I was able to forgive myself.
- I often wake up somewhat depressed.

However, this is infinitely better than having severe PTSD. I don't think about my existence and survival anymore, nor do I want to trade a limb for my mind and life back. I healed myself 160 degrees and use the methodology to help others with PTSD.

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Man, all in all, this doesn't sound too bad! (I think some of this is just becoming an old man), amigo!)

I go back and forth on some of those. Interests ebb and flow. In the end, I'm stoked to be alive in all its meaningful and meaningless glory.

Sounds like you are getting there!

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Likewise you as well. I am so happy that I got a second lease on life. I can feel love and see beauty again. This is the best I can get - healing 160 degrees. Chasing the last 20 degrees is indefeasible.

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Ehh. Whats life anyway without a little bleeding? 160 seems like a fine percentage. Cheers my man.

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Are you there too sir?

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I try not and think about it in terms of "degrees of healing." That implies I can get back to where I was. I can't. And I can't say I want to either. Like you said, this has made me more compassionate, more thoughtful, more relatable to some people, more "adult" in many ways, and a wisdom (or at least a pondering of life) gained earlier than many.

For me, the absence of parents love, that unconditional love that is unique and only given by them is a loss that will forever be felt and mourned. But there is also a freedom in that. A life now that without question your own with no "safety net." Life is scarier and more thrilling. As is the very concept of love.

I'm just closer to the veil nowadays.

---

I carry a cross because my wife has severe PTSD caused by the death of our daughter a couple years ago. Irony is I have helped many people with PTSD, but I can't help my wife materially because I can't help her get rid of the trauma. The best I can do is to tell and show her that I love her and alleviate the burdens of life by committing to doing all the domestic tasks like cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing cars, and the yard work. I am remiss and should research trauma and ways to get rid of it.

---

Obviously, the loss of child ranks highest on the hierarchy of grief. I know… everyone's grief is different, but still, this is outside the natural order (or at least how we believe the world orders itself). It's hard to even fathom the pain and loss you are your wife have had to endure.

Your comment about not being able to "help" your wife reminded me of this quote from A river Runs Through It. (Starts about 42 seconds in). Essentially, it's harder to help those who are closest to us.


But I'm sure you are helping. In ways she likely can't even register at this point.

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The worst-case scenario is LaDonna is destined to die with a broken heart. I have read grief evolves and changes over time. She is on a path and journey that is unknown to us to include the destination. She amazes me. Despite her infinite sadness, she still functions as a wife, friend, and employee at the hospital.

I am coming out of retirement to start my second career with the goal of making enough, so she can retire for good. My goal is to earn enough to tell her lets go to Japan for 30 days. Perhaps that would bring her some happiness and enjoyment.

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You are an incredible husband. Dying with a broken heart… my goodness. I hope that is not her fate, or yours.

The depth of sorrow a parent, particularly a mother, is beyond intense. I hope she is seeking a professional to help her navigate that darkness. That has a risk of swallowing one whole.

You have clearly found meaning in taking care of your wife. Has she found meaning?

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She sees a psychologist. However, psychologists and therapists are a mixed bag of professionals with great variances in ability to help people with heal with PTSD. The process is a conglomeration of subjectivity, theories, professional education, and empathy or the lack of it.

I retired from the army with severe PTSD, and I can say with candor none of my psychologists and therapists helped me heal even remotely for several years. I healed myself 160 degrees. However, I do not blame them because it's not their fault that some have no empathy because they have not experienced PTSD.

Tex117, I wrote a PTSD healing book. Would you like to read it? It's a free PDF file. I wrote it a few months before I retired from the army, thus it was written in haste. My overriding objective was finishing it before I retired. I am endeavoring in a rewrite now.

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I would like to read this also

tandy miller said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Tex117 said:

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No. You will absolutely never be the same person again. A part of the tapestry of your soul has been ripped out. You will never be put together the same way again. But that doesn't mean you can't be whole.

If anything, you will have gained a super power. You are changed. Stronger. And more importantly, you will be able to see beauty more vividly as it contrasts against the backdrop of pain. It seems that the beauty of life can only be truly witnessed through the lens of pain.

You insight into life will change. What matters. What doesn't.

Your insight into friends will change. Some, you realize are just fun to drink beer with, others will get down in the trench with you.

You will wrestle with the meaning of existence. Whether it matters or not. Whether life has meaning or it doesn't. Maybe get to the point where that question is immaterial and focus on what you do every day because what you do everyday is how you spend your life. One that will end. Maybe you seek Gods help with this, maybe not.

We can't see the arc of our lives while in it. All we can do is try and fill it with what we deem meaningful to us.

---

You will never fly the same again because your wings have changed. This is how I changed:

- Lost my passion for fishing and cooking.
- My memory is horrible.
- I am a bit numb to life.
- I have become quite humble.
- More sense of compassion.
- Sometimes I don't see and hear things properly, thus I am super careful when I drive.
- I still have a few racing thoughts.
- I was able to forgive myself.
- I often wake up somewhat depressed.

However, this is infinitely better than having severe PTSD. I don't think about my existence and survival anymore, nor do I want to trade a limb for my mind and life back. I healed myself 160 degrees and use the methodology to help others with PTSD.

---

Man, all in all, this doesn't sound too bad! (I think some of this is just becoming an old man), amigo!)

I go back and forth on some of those. Interests ebb and flow. In the end, I'm stoked to be alive in all its meaningful and meaningless glory.

Sounds like you are getting there!

---

Likewise you as well. I am so happy that I got a second lease on life. I can feel love and see beauty again. This is the best I can get - healing 160 degrees. Chasing the last 20 degrees is indefeasible.

---

Ehh. Whats life anyway without a little bleeding? 160 seems like a fine percentage. Cheers my man.

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Are you there too sir?

---

I try not and think about it in terms of "degrees of healing." That implies I can get back to where I was. I can't. And I can't say I want to either. Like you said, this has made me more compassionate, more thoughtful, more relatable to some people, more "adult" in many ways, and a wisdom (or at least a pondering of life) gained earlier than many.

For me, the absence of parents love, that unconditional love that is unique and only given by them is a loss that will forever be felt and mourned. But there is also a freedom in that. A life now that without question your own with no "safety net." Life is scarier and more thrilling. As is the very concept of love.

I'm just closer to the veil nowadays.

---

I carry a cross because my wife has severe PTSD caused by the death of our daughter a couple years ago. Irony is I have helped many people with PTSD, but I can't help my wife materially because I can't help her get rid of the trauma. The best I can do is to tell and show her that I love her and alleviate the burdens of life by committing to doing all the domestic tasks like cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing cars, and the yard work. I am remiss and should research trauma and ways to get rid of it.

---

Obviously, the loss of child ranks highest on the hierarchy of grief. I know… everyone's grief is different, but still, this is outside the natural order (or at least how we believe the world orders itself). It's hard to even fathom the pain and loss you are your wife have had to endure.

Your comment about not being able to "help" your wife reminded me of this quote from A river Runs Through It. (Starts about 42 seconds in). Essentially, it's harder to help those who are closest to us.


But I'm sure you are helping. In ways she likely can't even register at this point.

---

The worst-case scenario is LaDonna is destined to die with a broken heart. I have read grief evolves and changes over time. She is on a path and journey that is unknown to us to include the destination. She amazes me. Despite her infinite sadness, she still functions as a wife, friend, and employee at the hospital.

I am coming out of retirement to start my second career with the goal of making enough, so she can retire for good. My goal is to earn enough to tell her lets go to Japan for 30 days. Perhaps that would bring her some happiness and enjoyment.

---

You are an incredible husband. Dying with a broken heart… my goodness. I hope that is not her fate, or yours.

The depth of sorrow a parent, particularly a mother, is beyond intense. I hope she is seeking a professional to help her navigate that darkness. That has a risk of swallowing one whole.

You have clearly found meaning in taking care of your wife. Has she found meaning?

---

She sees a psychologist. However, psychologists and therapists are a mixed bag of professionals with great variances in ability to help people with heal with PTSD. The process is a conglomeration of subjectivity, theories, professional education, and empathy or the lack of it.

I retired from the army with severe PTSD, and I can say with candor none of my psychologists and therapists helped me heal even remotely for several years. I healed myself 160 degrees. However, I do not blame them because it's not their fault that some have no empathy because they have not experienced PTSD.

Tex117, I wrote a PTSD healing book. Would you like to read it? It's a free PDF file. I wrote it a few months before I retired from the army, thus it was written in haste. My overriding objective was finishing it before I retired. I am endeavoring in a rewrite now.

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I would like to read this also

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Email me at AJourneyOfHealingPTSD@gmail.com. I charge nothing for this edition. It has helped many civilians and veterans heal 160 degrees.

Have had that happen.

There's been reasons why I haven't been on here in a while. Miss y'all.

P.S. , among the other suggestions here, help

I am taking a breather. I am bogarting the thread. lol

At least there are two of us tankers on here. Boom boom!

Green2Maroon said:

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At least there are two of us tankers on here. Boom boom!

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I am grateful for the opportunity to be a tanker. I studied the TACSOP relentlessly until I knew it like the back of my hand.

Yep, my two best friends, died decades apart in the month of May. Both very tragic.

I cannot recommend therapy enough. If you're in the Houston area, I can refer you to a good one.

One of my biggest regrets is waiting so long to go myself.

Two years ago I almost died. My hemoglobin dropped below 2 (that's really really low). I have a rare blood disorder but I worry every day I will get sick again. Every day I watch for the signs and symptoms. A week after being released from the hospital my husbands only brother died unexpectedly. I was wrongfully diagnosed with lymphoma.
I now can't go to a doctor without anxiety medicine

Any of you have a high level of anxiety? I have developed a coping skill for it.

Very high. And also developing that skill. It's like life on hard mode.

Regular Therapy, meditation, CBD, certain vitamins/minerals I'm deficient in is my current regiment. Just hit 250 consecutive meditation days on the Headspace app.

If I don't do the things above and some negative life events happen, my brain goes to hell. I get panic attacks, drop weight and enter survival mode.

Sucks.

Not me, I'm perfect.

AgsMyDude said:

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Very high. And also developing that skill. It's like life on hard mode.

Regular Therapy, meditation, CBD, certain vitamins/minerals I'm deficient in is my current regiment. Just hit 250 consecutive meditation days on the Headspace app.

If I don't do the things above and some negative life events happen, my brain goes to hell. I get panic attacks, drop weight and enter survival mode.

Sucks.

---

I developed the "Pistol Range Analogy" to help people with anxiety. Mentally visit a pistol range. In theory the closest targets are the most important or dangerous and easiest to hit. Therefore, hit the closest targets first. Assume the effective range of the pistol is 50 meters. Each target is a stressor. The targets range from 25, 50, 100 meters. The 25-meter target represents stressors that must be addressed relatively quickly. The 50-meter target represents stressors that must be addressed perhaps a week to two weeks in the future. The 100-meter target represents stressors several months away. Put the 100-meter targets on the back burner. You can't hit them now anyway.

All the targets or stressors will pop up at the same time. Shoot the closest target first. Then start moving further out. Hit the 25-meter targets then hit the 50-meter targets. You should give the 100-meter targets a very low priority due to the impossible distance. This approach will prioritize stressors. Deal with one stressor at a time if you can. It is a linear approach as opposed to taking on all the stressors at one time. This will make the task of dealing with anxiety much easier and manageable.

What is the link to your cookbook you've mentioned in other threads?

Tanker123 said:

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Any of you have a high level of anxiety? I have developed a coping skill for it.

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In some ways, yes. I have a lot of internal conflict over who I am and what I should do to fit in. I get way into my head and overthink things a lot. I was a bit of a nerd and didn't fit in socially with other folks for most of my life. I really worry about the people I'm around and how can I blend into my surroundings.

BBRex said:

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Tanker123 said:

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Any of you have a high level of anxiety? I have developed a coping skill for it.

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In some ways, yes. I have a lot of internal conflict over who I am and what I should do to fit in. I get way into my head and overthink things a lot. I was a bit of a nerd and didn't fit in socially with other folks for most of my life. I really worry about the people I'm around and how can I blend into my surroundings.

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Did you read my post 3 posts up, about the the analogy of the pistol range?

BiggiesLX said:

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What is the link to your cookbook you've mentioned in other threads?

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Thank you for the support. All the proceeds go to Victory For Veterans. It is chartered to stand-up world-class centers across the country to support the critical needs of veterans and first responders. The organization also endeavors to prevent suicides.

The cookbook does not have a singular genre of recipes and comes in a PDF format. It expands outwardly to capture flavors from different corners of the world. It is comprised of delicious recipes from Japan, China, Korea, Europe, Mexico, Mediterranean, Caribbean, South and North America, Hawaii, Arab, New Orleans, and Tex-Mex. It also has a section for International BBQ, Grilling and Sauces. My wife wrote several traditional old Southern dessert recipes.


Here is a sample recipe:

Pepper Steak
This will most likely be the best Pepper Steak you have eaten. I always looked forward to dinner when my mother prepared this dish. This was one of my favorite dinners when was growing up in the Philippines. One year while attending college I flew from Texas to the Philippines for Christmas vacation. The holiday season was a welcomed respite from the oppressive heat and humidity. My mother fixed this dish the first night I was in country. Our family enjoyed spicy food, so she used Serrano peppers liberally in this dish. The bamboo shoots give the Pepper Steak a nice contrast in flavor which I call woodsy. Add oyster sauce for a new flavor profile and a bit of sweetness to the dish. The white wine marries and balances well with the other ingredients.

Servings: 4

Ingredients:
2 lbs. thin beef, cut into 2 by 1/2-inch strips -OR- 2 lbs. hamburger meat.
1 tablespoon sesame oil.
4 tablespoons cooking oil.
1 small can of bamboo shoots, drained.
2 bell peppers cut into 1-inch squares.
2 onions sliced lengthwise into 1-inch squares.
2 teaspoons cornstarch dissolved in 1 cup of cold water.
3 beef bouillon cubes.
3 tablespoons garlic powder.
1/3 cup dry white wine.
1/2 cup low sodium soy sauce or to taste.
1/4 cup fresh grated ginger or to taste.
1 chopped Serrano pepper or more to taste.
Salt to taste.
Optional: 1/2 cup oyster sauce.

Instructions:
1. Combine cornstarch, water, and beef bouillons in cold water. Let it sit
until the bouillons are dissolve in a few minutes.
2. Pour the cooking and sesame oil into a large frying pan over medium
high heat.
3. Fry the meat, bell pepper, onion, and bamboo shoots for about 10
Minutes or until the beef is cooked. Stir and flip constantly.
4. Don't overcook the veggies.
5. Reduce the heat to low.
6. Add the rest of the ingredients and stir constantly to ensure the sauce
thickens evenly. When the sauce thickens simmer for 5 minutes then
serve.

VFV Cookbook | Victory For Veterans

Sounds interesting, I'll give it a shot!

However my anxiety is less about stressors and more about my body's reaction to them. My mind is amazing at going straight to worse case scenarios in milliseconds, even my therapist is impressed.

Therapy and meditation is allowing me to learn to create space between stressors and my mind's reaction to them.

AgsMyDude said:

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Sounds interesting, I'll give it a shot!

However my anxiety is less about stressors and more about my body's reaction to them. My mind is amazing at going straight to worse case scenarios in milliseconds, even my therapist is impressed.

Therapy and meditation is allowing me to learn to create space between stressors and my mind's reaction to them.

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NM