My parents are retired and in their mid-70s.

A few years ago my mother started showing concerning signs of cognitive decline. My father was reasonably healthy. They lived about 2 hours from everyone in family in middle of nowhere on acreage.

Due to concerns about my mothers needs, we sold their property and they setup a poorly thought out living arrangement next to one of my siblings.

Just a year later my mother of showing clear signs of a neuro disorder (dementia?). My dad is depressed and has put on substantial weight from the living arrangement and the fact he feels he can't leave my mother for more than an hour due to mental/emotional instability on her part.

I'm not sure what to do. My dad needs someone there during the day to keep my mom company so he can get out and get exercise and live a bit. I feel pressure to uproot my family and move closer to help out more.

Any ideas that don't break the bank?

We have discussed this in our family and decided that we prefer to go into assisted living together. My wife's parents had that arrangement and they enjoyed the camaraderie of older people, the physical facilities, the security and the ability to move from fully independent living to graduated assisted living.

UTExan said:

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We have discussed this in our family and decided that we prefer to go into assisted living together. My wife's parents had that arrangement and they enjoyed the camaraderie of older people, the physical facilities, the security and the ability to move from fully independent living to graduated assisted living.

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Thanks for the insight. I've found a few active adult facilities not far from two of my siblings (@20 minutes). They also offer transition to assisted. I think the biggest hurdle would be the money my parents spent on their current setup (but that's kind of a problem of their own making).

Try Visiting Angels. They can cook, clean, watch mom while dad gets out…….

Your dad has a big job ahead of him . Some of his depression probably comes from slowly losing the person he married all those years ago. Tread lightly . Being close to family is important. Get him the help he needs - hire someone for groceries, light housekeeping, laundry and putting a few meals on the table each week. Your dad can probably handle breakfast and lunch for them. It's suppertime that he will struggle with because that's a tough time of day for someone with dementia. So in turn it's a tough time for your dad. Get him interested again in the hobbies he enjoyed early on. And help him find a buddy or two to shoot the blankety blank with. They love their kids I'm sure but they both need someone their own age to talk to - They're still very young and have a lot of years ahead of them . Let them be independent and make decisions on what's best for them.

Dementia is a b. Has your mother been evaluated by a doctor for an official diagnosis? Sometimes it's easier to get help or insurance to cover things like home health if they are trying to stay in their home as long as possible with an official diagnosis.


Assisted living with transition to a memory care unit may be an option in your mother's future. Visiting angels, adult day care or a senior citizens center might have activities for your mother to help give your father some help. I really recommend they speak with a therapist if they are willing and their doctor about the disease progression and what to expect.

I don't know your family's situation, but from past work experience (sometimes I work as gero-psych nurse) your parents and need to make some decisions while mom is still competent to do so in regards to a living will and a DNR and who can make decisions for her regarding things like medical treatment and end of life care. I know that's a hard conversation to have with family, but it a living will is one of the best ways to have your parents wishes honored.

Contact your local Area on Aging. It's non-profit but government funded to help in situations like this and may have some resources for you.

Proper medical care makes a difference. Get her diagnosed, treated, and medicated.

My mother and step father moved into a comprehensive retirement community on the west side of Houston (Eagles Trace). They were in independent living. My step father had dementia and there came a point where he had to be moved across the street to memory care. My mom could walk to visit him. Very expensive though when you add up an independent apartment and then a memory care room. As he had more needs, the more expensive it got.
God bless you and your family.

Adding on, you said your mom was having emotional instability. Look into finding her a psychiatrist/psych np that specializes in geriatric psychiatry if you can or at least a psychiatrist to manage any mood stabilizers, anxiety medication or the few medicines that target dementia of its deemed she needs them. The current research suggests the sooner you start on something like namenda, exelon or aricept, the more they slow the disease progression, though nothing stops it. There is a new medicine for dementia out, but I don't know anything about that one.

And make sure you take care of your mental health. It can be exhausting having a family member with dementia.

We went down this road twice with both sets of parents. Check with social services. That's what they are there for and they are a great resource for free.

Really hope they can find something to cure or treat dementia in the coming years. I'm in my late 40s and i am dreading putting my kids through this down the road.

Not only check with social services but focus on the financial status where it may be beneficial to shift their assets out of their names - owning less may open more doors for more cost effective assistance opportunities.

As poster mentioned above, don't forget to take time to take care of you. You're only as good for your parents as you are good for yourself emotionally, mentally and physically.

B-1 83 said:

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Try Visiting Angels. They can cook, clean, watch mom while dad gets out…….

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