My father in law is nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. My girls are going to say goodbye to him tomorrow. They are 10 and 4. Obviously my 10 year old understands what is going on. We have talked about death and heaven to the 4 year old about her grandfather and she seems to understand pretty well whats happening. Should she go to the funeral to say goodbye or is she better left at home? Ive never really had any reason to ask this type of question.

Sorry for your loss. Talk to your spouse and make the best decision for your kids. That will be the right answer.

Open casket would give me pause even with the 10 year old. I'm still traumatized at seeing my grandfather laying there dead and I was probably 11 at the time. Closed and it would probably be fine for both. Just my .02

My 5 year old attended my uncle's funeral this past year (he may have been 4 at the time). My uncle's grandchildren all attended as well (some older than my son, some younger).

Explain it simply. He did fine with it, had some questions about death, and then went on about his day.

Sorry you are going through this...

If they can get through church, I don't see why a funeral would be different. Would not take them up to an open casket, of course. I think kids are usually more adaptable to the change than adults, because they don't know there's a certain way that they're supposed to grieve or mourn.

Sorry for your loss. My boys are about the same age. I agree with Fido98's take.

Sorry for your loss. IMO it is healthy for the kids especially if they were close to the person to have closure just like us as adults. I hate funerals but it is our cultures way of saying goodbye. You know your kids best.

atag said:

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My father in law is nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. My girls are going to say goodbye to him tomorrow. They are 10 and 4. Obviously my 10 year old understands what is going on. We have talked about death and heaven to the 4 year old about her grandfather and she seems to understand pretty well whats happening. Should she go to the funeral to say goodbye or is she better left at home? Ive never really had any reason to ask this type of question.

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Death is a part of life.
Grief is a normal emotion.
Let them go. It's natural and normal.

My grandpa shot himself in the head through the temple. I was 15 when it happened, my grandma asked me and my brothers if we wanted to see him. They were all mostly younger than me, but we all said yes. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Bunch of pansy's raising kids on this thread
Been to at least 5-6 funerals before I was 7

Death is life,

Talk to them and explain what's going on
Insert your faith and use as a lesson about eternity

They don't have to see the open casket

Shakes, I think you got it right. I am a pastor who has officiated hundreds of funerals over 35 years. I am also the father of three kids (one is autistic). Yes, children may be a little traumatized by seeing a body in a open casket viewing and will have a very understandable need for extra emotional/spiritual care. But sheltering them from death is doing them a disservice in the long run. Death is part of life. The longer they are sheltered from it, the more trouble they will have dealing with it later. I have witnessed many adults who can't handle going to a funeral because of learned avoidance that started in childhood.
Jesus tells us to have the faith of a child...in so many ways, a child deals with death better than adults because of their simple faith in the reality of eternal life.
Don't misunderstand me in thinking that I'm saying to drag a child to make him come face to face with the body in the casket. I'm saying take the children. Let them show you what they are ready to handle in the moment. If the child doesn't want to see the body, don't force him. I know, as a parent, that children will surprise you in what they can handle.

Take them. The first funeral they ever attend in their lives shouldn't be yours or your wife's.

I attended my first one when I was 7 for my uncle. Don't remember if it was open or closed casket, only that it was way out in bum-f*k nowhere off I-35 south of Waco. I won't say I ended up ended up fine, but it didn't have anything to do with that.

If they want to they should be able to go.

Thanks guys. This has actually been very helpful. Im going to take them.

combat wombat said:

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Take them. The first funeral they ever attend the lives shouldn't be yours or your wife's.

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This. The only times we didn't take our kids to a funeral was when they were little toddlers. If they were old enough to understand what a funeral was ,we took them. Funerals are for the living.

My daughter was 5, my son was 7 when my mom died 2 years ago. The both went to the funeral. After the funeral, when only the family was left, I guess my daughter didn't get to see my mom for the last time, since there were too many adults around. When we were walking out, she said, "I didn't get to see grandma!" So we went back so she could see her one last time before they closed the casket.

You and your wife know your daughters best. And, if you are not sure ask them if they want to go. We didn't ask my kids if they wanted to go or not. We just assumed they did, because they wanted to be there with us and my dad.

I am sorry for your loss and the tough times you are about to go through. I will be praying for your family.

Shakes the Clown said:

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Bunch of pansy's raising kids on this thread
Been to at least 5-6 funerals before I was 7

Death is life,

Talk to them and explain what's going on
Insert your faith and use as a lesson about eternity

They don't have to see the open casket

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I'm gonna have to agree with this.
My grandfather recently died and all of his great grandkids attended and it was open casket.
Kids ranging from 2-11

Agreed. Give them "practice" the more they attend the more comfortable they will be with this as a part of life.

I attended my father's funeral when I was 9 (he was killed in a car wreck) and I think I turned out OK and I am an oldie and have only murdered a couple of people (just kidding)-

I do not remember the funeral service but I remember being at home very early in the morning when we were told he was killed and running down the hall back to my bedroom crying my heart out, don't really remember anything else; not the funeral, not any of the people at, during or after the service, just running down the hallway back to my bedroom very early on what I believe was a Sunday morning.

When my grandparent's died, their funeral was in the same church as my dad's, but I was much much older and I do remember feeling like I had been there before but could not really remember any details.

We recently buried my wife's mother and all of our grandchildren (6 kids ages 4 to 14) were there and they did fine. Even went up to the alter for a Catholic blessing even though they are not Catholic.

So my vote would be to let them go, just explain that death is part of life.

Best of luck to you.

I did leave one of my kids at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently he was there all day with the corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks, he came around and started talking again. But he's okay. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that.

depends on their relationship with them and how you approach it.

IMHO these are important life lessons that kids can learn as soon as they are ready. shielding them from it only stunts their ability to mature.

if she had a good and strong relationship with him then you should sit her down with ur husband and talk with her about it.

explain that funerals are times to obtain closure and come to grips with the passing of a loved one and the purpose of a funeral is for the attendees' benefit. Tell her that they can be difficult but they are designed to help with the grieving process and can be times of healing. emphasize that they are not designed to be scary but that they can cause feelings of discomfort. explain but not in graphic detail the basic flow of a funeral/memorial service/viewing and let her know that as the granddaughter she has a right to be there if she wants.

Then ask her what she thinks. Let her work it out for herself. if she was close to him she might want to go. if she is scared to go ask her what she is scared about and talk through those fears with her. if she does not want to go let her know that is okay and her personal choice.

Dueces gramps, leave me something in the will.

atag said:

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My father in law is nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. My girls are going to say goodbye to him tomorrow. They are 10 and 4. Obviously my 10 year old understands what is going on. We have talked about death and heaven to the 4 year old about her grandfather and she seems to understand pretty well whats happening. Should she go to the funeral to say goodbye or is she better left at home? Ive never really had any reason to ask this type of question.

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Any age

We've brought ours (8, 6 and 2) to a couple in the last few years (even 1 open casket). They all are fine, though the oldest girl was a little sad for a day or two. Up to you and your spouse.

First of all, I am so sorry for your family's loss.

Three of my grandparents have 10+ siblings, so going to funerals was weirdly a regular thing when I was a young child. The funerals themselves never traumatized me in any way, but I vividly remember lying awake terrified for several nights after my parents took me to the casket at viewings. I'm sure their intentions were good and they never knew how much it upset me because I was really good at internalizing my emotions, but I was extremely sensitive to it and to this day I still feel very disturbed when I think about it. For that reason I personally wouldn't risk my daughter being exposed to an open casket until she's maybe 12 or 13, but we do discuss death frankly and I wouldn't hesitate to take her to a close family member's funeral.

My dad died when I was 26 and I still remember him in the casket looking very unnatural and it's not a pleasant memory. Not a fan of open casket.

I say any age should attend, but skipping the close-up open casket pass isn't a bad idea. But I think even that just depends on the kid. Death and grieving is a part of life, and I think it's actually healthy for people of all ages to be exposed to it and to learn/understand how to deal with it

Husky Boy Jr. said:

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My dad died when I was 26 and I still remember him in the casket looking very unnatural and it's not a pleasant memory. Not a fan of open casket.

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Man same. My dad died when i was 22. He was a stereotypical mans man. Loved hunting and football and lived on a ranch. His last words as he died from a heart attack were "i aint goin to no doctor." That weirdly makes me smile because that was my stubborn dad in a nutshell. All that being said....in his casket....they put effing makeup on him. Im almost surprised he didnt come back from the dead and whoop some ass for them putting makeup on him. Now i understand why they do it but they should have left him alone and closed the casket. Its a major reason i want to be cremated. It still haunts me that my last vision of my dad is with makeup on. Eff that noise.

atag said:

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Husky Boy Jr. said:

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My dad died when I was 26 and I still remember him in the casket looking very unnatural and it's not a pleasant memory. Not a fan of open casket.

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Man same. My dad died when i was 22. He was a stereotypical mans man. Loved hunting and football and lived on a ranch. His last words as he died from a heart attack were "i aint goin to no doctor." That weirdly makes me smile because that was my stubborn dad in a nutshell. All that being said....in his casket....they put effing makeup on him. Im almost surprised he didnt come back from the dead and whoop some ass for them putting makeup on him. Now i understand why they do it but they should have left him alone and closed the casket. Its a major reason i want to be cremated. It still haunts me that my last vision of my dad is with makeup on. Eff that noise.

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My Dad sounds very similar. I understand having mixed feelings about that final memory.
I hope you and your family find peace - my kids have never lost a grandparent in their lifetime.

are they in the will

Unfortunately my kids have been to too many funerals. The hardest was my dad's while holding a 6 month old.
I'd recommend you take them, but prepare them for what to expect. Also, talk about what an open casket means, and ask them if they want to go up and look inside or not. One of my kids did, and the other didn't at their great-grandmother's. Their really isn't a right or wrong way to grieve, we are all unprepared to do it. Also, don't be scared to say "I don't know, what do you think?" to any tough questions.
It can also be nice to the grieving adults to have a young person to hug.
Some funerals can be interesting because you'll hear stories and meet people you normally don't meet or hear. My grandmother's was actually kind of fun because it was mainly a celebration of life with her favorite music and all of our favorite stories about her.
But bring some quiet toys or coloring books if they get bored.

As soon as someone important to their life dies.

I didn't bring my son to my first wife funeral, but he was only 28 months old. Not sure if it was for him or me that I left him with a friend.

They're stronger than you realize. Think about farm kids. Don't leave them out of the discussion or the funeral.