Relatively Clean:
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee." she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole." she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."



Dirty:
Two beautiful women were playing golf. One named Marianne the other named Rose . Well, Marianne teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of handsome men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

Marianne and Rose rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a nurse and a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.


The truth:
A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a p-ssy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Gig'em

[This message has been edited by KeithStone (edited 9/16/2011 1:10a).]

I googled "cleaning jokes" and this one came up:

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

quote:

---

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

---

Funniest thing so far.

What do you see when the pilsbury doughboy bends over?

Donuts

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?






Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

What's green and ice skates? Peggy Phlem

knock knock

who's there?

to

to who

to WHOM!

I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."

------


Always a great laugh

Did you hear about the dog whose whole left side got cut off?





He's all right now.

What did the mother bullet tell the father bullet? I'm going to have a BB.

How do you catch a Polar Bear?


Well, you go up north where polar bears live

You go out over the ice and cut a big hole in the ice.

You then encircle the hole with green peas.


then you hide.


When a polar bear then comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

A bear and a rabbit were taking a *****in the woods. The bear looks over to the rabbit and says, "Hey, do you have a problem with *****sticking to your fur?" The rabbit looks to the bear and replies, "No."

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

How do you wake up lady gaga?

You p p poke her face.

What is jackie chan's favorite drink?

wa-TAH!

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?

Dam...

Hmmm.. a clean joke?

How do you make a woman stop cleaning?
Tell her to make you sammich.


that's all i got.

So now Reddit and TexAgs are becoming the same thing...

Flaith's peanut joke

What do you get when you goose a ghost?



A handful of sheet.

So a guy was driving past a farm and sees a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity got the best of him so he knocked on the door and asked the farmer about it. The farmer told him the house had caught fire one night a while back and the pig broke down the door and went into the bedroom and woke the family up so they could get out. He seemed finished with the explanation, so the guy asked "Great, but what about the wooden leg?" "Mister", the farmer chuckled, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

My wife said she divorced me because I'm a liar. I cannot believe this, she is so pretty and love her so much.

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch in rocking chairs when the woman takes her cane and whacks her husband across the shins.

He yells and says, "What the %&**%(&^ was that for?"

"That was for 50 years of bad sex."

a couple of minutes later, he takes his cane and whacks her across the shins.

She yelps and hollers, "Now why did you do that?"

"That's for knowing the difference!"

[This message has been edited by Dad-O-Lot (edited 9/16/2011 7:54p).]

There was a boy named Booty Itch. It was Booty Itch’s first day in the 1st grade. The teacher came up to him and said “Hello, what is your name?” He replied “Booty Itch.” She said “Excuse me!” He said “My name is Booty Itch.” The teacher sent him to the principals office. The principal said “What is your name young man?” He reliped ” Booty Itch.” The principal said “for the last time, what is your name!?” He replied ” For the last time, Booty Itch.” The pricipal sent him home. While Booty Itch was walking home, he was hit by a bus. At his funeral, his mother cried “Oh my Booty Itch, oh my Booty Itch.” The priest said “Well scratch it my sister, scratch it!”


I giggled.

[This message has been edited by keesha07 (edited 9/16/2011 8:22p).]