Sorry if this is Germans Bomb Moon, but this site is awesome.

Dontevenreply.com

ahahahahah this is great!!

quote:

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From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the **** up.

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Welcome to last Tuesday!


However, this site DOES crack me up

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=32

quote:

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Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)

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quote:

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Me to SHANIQUA *************
Hello,

I saw your ad on ********** and I think I have a great car for you. I am selling my 1996 Ford Explorer. I used to work in the film industry, and I got this car after it was used in a movie. It has a custom paint job from the movie set. I barely drive it, so it has only around 60,000 miles on it. I really have no use for it anymore, so I am willing to get rid of it. Take a look at it and let me know what you think. I've attached a few pictures of it. Please note that it did have a MINOR accident involving an animal and may have slight damage.

Thanks!

Attachment:

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quote:

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SHANIQUA ************* to Me
Sir I thank you for trying to help but I don't want to drive the truck from the dinosaur movie.I wouldn't mind if I had money to get it painted over but I don't. Thanks anyway

Me to SHANIQUA *************
I always believe that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn't judge this car by its paint job. It has a great engine that will not quit. From the inside, you can't even tell it is painted like that. This car is reliable, and will NOT be going extinct any time soon.

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
No thanks!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA *************
Tell you what, for an extra 50 bucks I will spray paint the entire car flat black. I took an art class in high school so I have some experience painting and it will look great.

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
NO THANKS!!!WHEN YOU GET A SHINY BLUE OR BLACK ONE THEN YOU LET ME KNOW.

Me to SHANIQUA *************
Here's what I am willing to do. For $60, I will spray paint the entire car black, and then cover it with scotch tape so it is shiny. I'll also throw in a VHS of Jurassic Park I taped off of TBS 5 years ago. Includes many classic "retro" commercials that you don't see on TV anymore. A collector's goldmine!

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
NO THANKS TRY SOMEONE ELSE.I'VE ALREADY MADE A DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE THEY WILL BE BRINGING ME THE TRUCK TOMORROW MORNING.

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quote:

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Me to SHANIQUA *************
WAIT! Before you make that deal, check out the new, REPAINTED Explorer. I repainted it a nice shiny blue. Please check out the picture and reconsider!

Attachment:

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OMG I was literally laughing out loud at this one

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=44

The best part is in the comments section when people respond to the trolls - its like they get trolled on a trolling site.

A few of my favorites (they are all pretty good however):

Tyrone's Dog Babysitting Service

Brokeback Beach

Hybrids Suck

Father & Son

Camry Killer

Kittens for my Tiger

Turtle Sandbox

The Shaniqua Chronicles pt. 1

Oh man that is full of WIN!!!

wow

the refrigerator story had me crying!

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.


From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike



From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

ttt for night crowd

My absolute favorite site this month, soo much better than FML

this one is strong

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=28

I've actually tried the exact Jurassic Park car routine on craigslist want adds, its tough to get laughable replies to work with, some people are actually interested in the car, though one lady asked for more recent pics of it

[This message has been edited by EliteZags (edited 7/13/2009 1:23a).]

quote:

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Re: in need of car, truck or suv!!!‏
From: ******(
*******)
Sent: Wed 7/08/09 6:51 AM
To: ******(
well when can I look at it. and how much do you want for it or would you be willing to work out payments with me? I could pay you every two week even if you would rather that than one a month. well I am free all day so please let me know. Thank you!!!
******(~

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quote:

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RE: Really Cheap Van/SUV‏
From: ********
Sent: Tue 7/07/09 6:44 PM
To: ********
Hey,

Do you have any photographs of the car that are recent? Thank you!



"We are the bridge between what was and what can be..."

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you can actually see the raptor jaw and Jeff Goldblum sitting in the car in the pics (stillframes)

[This message has been edited by EliteZags (edited 7/13/2009 1:18a).]

quote:

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Original ad:
litter of 5 kittens. two orange, two black, one mixed-grey. all are three weeks old and looking for a good home!
From Yin Chang to *********@***********.org

hello

i buy all kitten you have. how much?

- yin chang

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

Sorry. These kittens are not being sold for food.

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quote:

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From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
****, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

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http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=51 for the whole thing

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=37

[/Laughing/crying face]

quote:

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Original ad:
I am looking for inexpensive dog apparel (T shirts, sweaters, etc.). My dog is a Minature Pinscher. He is a boy and he is around 12 lbs. Maybe you bought some clothes for you pet and they have grown out of them. Also, if you know of any places or websites that offer cheap dog clothing. Either one, please let me know! I really do not want to pay $20 for dog accessories! Thank you!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hi,

I saw that you are looking for clothing for your dog, so I think it is a fair assumption that you are the type of person who likes to buy stupid ****. In that case, I just broke up with my girlfriend, and she has a ton of crap like that that I want to get rid of. I have a "no place like home" welcome mat, a valentine bear that talks when you squeeze it, the first season of Gilmore Girls on DVD, and one of those singing fish things. Let me know if you want any of this ****.

Thanks,

Mike

From Katie ******** to Me

Your assumption is incorrect. I do not like to buy stupid ****. I just like to pamper my dog as I don't have any kids. Thanks, but I am not interested in any of those items.

From Mike Anderson to Katie *******

In that case, I have a 32" Sony LCD TV for your dog. You can put on the Animal Channel for him. I'll sell it to you for $400.

- Mike

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bwhahahahahahahahahaha

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=13

new one added: http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=53

Original ad:
I am a 17 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

oh crap, I'm crying! freaking hilarious!

sshhhh... (at work, site blocked, pls post more stories to forum) ... freaking hysterical LMAO

quote:

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You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them

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I can't stop laughing at the horse one.

bwhahahahaha

Handicapped movers...HA!!!

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=39

Oh my. I started laughing hysterically at my desk after reading the horse one. people asked me what i was laughing about and i just said an e-mail. ususally texags doesn't make me literally lol

gawd this stuff is awesome

This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.

Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my ***** of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little **** that ****s just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose wh*re that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?


From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!


From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH **** YOU MIKE!! DROP ****ING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SH*T I ****ING HATE YOU!!!


From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

***k YOU, you stupid c*nt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were ****ing Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his d*ck in some rotten p*ssy. You ****ing tw*t.


From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU ****ING *SSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A ****IN KNIFE


From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fu**ing scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black d*ck in your mouth you ****ing WH*RE


From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.


From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR ****ING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SH*T HUSBAND WITH IT


From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his d*ck.


From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

**** YOU


From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the **** up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus ****ing christ man c'mon!


[This message has been edited by EliteZags (edited 7/15/2009 3:23p).]

Crap. I started choking right about here:

quote:

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I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting.

---

This guy is not nearly as funny as he thinks he is.

you're such a badass for not agreeing with everyone

Chuy is such a maverick. It's like the sheople are all going this way, and he's going that way. Whoa.

I just don't think it's funny. He's not making any jokes; he's just harassing people by e-mail. Anyone can do that.