Post your favorite Mitch quotes. I'll start...


"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

I'll bite....


"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

-M.H.

I used to do drugs. I still do but i used to too.

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away"


I think of this one every time I walk by the MSC.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My friend asked me, "Hey Mitch, would you like a frozen banana?"

I said, "No, but I would like a regular banana later...so, yeah."





comic gold.

I think the entrance to Target needs to have people splattered all around.

"I do not have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be pissed off if she heard me say that."

"Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb are the same...except dude didn't get his degree...how are you gonna drop out of school and start making pop?"

These are hilarious...

I like that one about waffles...sorry...I'm teh suck at quotes.

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the ****er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the ****er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's ALWAYS on time!

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Rice is great when you want to eat one million of something.

quote:

---

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away"


I think of this one every time I walk by the MSC.

---

Heh I think that every time I pass the Rudder Plaza/MSC area too.

"I've never been to a rotating restaurant but one time I did put my girlfriend on a merry go round and gave her a burrito."

quote:

---

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

---

unless, you are a table


I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! ****! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!


/couldnt stop with just one

How did no one get this already!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"This jacket is dry clean only. That means it is DIRTY!"

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I never got good at golf, I'm not good at golf. I never got a hole in one. But I did hit a guy. and thats way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'Fore,' but I was too busy mumbling, "They're ain't no way thats gonna hit him"

[This message has been edited by 07ag (edited 12/2/2007 3:41a).]

quote:

---

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

---

quote:

---

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

---

"go around"

I enjoy eating Kit Kat bars.....unless I am with three or more people.

I think the company that makes Pringles is really laid back. They were originally supposed to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truck full of potatoes came instead. They just went, "**** it, cut em up..."

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

"On a traffic light red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. But on a banana its the opposite, Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead and red means "Where the **** did you get that banana at?"

quote:

---

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

---

"I like my sandwiches with alphalpha sprouts." "Well then you're not in the ****in club!"

"I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable."

"It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo."

"I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all."

quote:

---

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for doughnut." 'Cuz we all know that 'D' is. for doughnut

---

"Dogs are forever in the push-up position."

"It's a good things carrots don't get you drunk........"cause rabbits would be F***ED up."

who the hell is this guy?