Group Therapy: A talk before the Texas A&M-Auburn game

Welcome to the Texas A&M-Auburn football game anxiety group therapy session.

No one will be asked to provide their last names. We want everyone to be comfortable here. Provide as much information about yourself as you feel is necessary, but don’t feel obligated. Just please be very open about your issues. After all, true healing cannot begin without honesty.

If you face your problems we may find some solutions, or at least some suggestions can be made to help you cope and maybe even sleep a little better at night.

Ok. Who’s willing to start?

Yes … you in the blue and orange sweater vest and the visor.

“Hi. I’m Gus. I was really excited about this year, but then had problems with my Johnson. Jeremy threw six interceptions in three games. I was once considered the best at what I do. Now … I have doubts. It was so easy with Newton. Marshall was really good, too.  I thought I could turn any quarterback into a Heisman Trophy contender, but I had to turn to this kid, White. He’s done OK, I guess. But he’s thrown just one touchdown pass in five games. Geez, I miss Duke Williams.

“Anyway, I’m struggling to with the possibility that I might not be as great as originally thought. We were supposed to win the SEC West. Now, we might not even qualify for a bowl game. That scares me. I remember what happened to Chizik.”

Obviously, Gus is experiencing feelings of insecurity. Can anyone else relate to that?

“I can. My name is Will, but my friends call me Boom. Floridians call me Will. I too was once considered one of the best at what I do. I was like King Midas. Everything I touched turn to gold. Yet, lately everything I’ve touched has turned to … well, let’s just say it just hasn’t turned out well. I’m getting defensive about it, which is about the only defense I have. LSU ran all over us. Ole Miss and Kentucky passed all over us.”

Relax, Will. It could be worse.

“How? We’ve got A&M next. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. Kyler Murray does both. Dual threat quarterbacks scare me. Jacksonville State almost beat us with a dual threat quarterback. That was our place. We have to go to College Station. I don’t like College Station. The mayor there is on my back.”

You in the No. 13 jersey … do you have something to contribute.

“Yeah. I’m Sean. Look Boom — or should I call you Will? — at least you only have the mayor on your back. I’m hurt as it is and now I’ve got to worry about Myles Garrett on my back. Ole Miss sacked me three times last week. What’s Garrett going to do to me? Nobody could keep Garrett off Nick Marshall last year and he could run.”

Excuse me, sir. You in the No. 72 jersey, please sit down. There is no reason to be intimidating just because Sean voiced his concerns.

“OK. I’m Shon. And I’d like to see you try to block that guy. Ever since last year I’ve had a recurring nightmare. In it I’m getting dragged by a car for miles and miles and miles and miles. And all I can do is hold on.

“Actually, all I did last year against Myles was hold on. My biggest fear is that this year’s officiating crew won’t be visually impaired and will call holding penalties. But it is a Southeastern Conference crew, so I’m probably OK. Still, anytime I hear Smokey Robinson sing 'You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me' I have flashbacks.

“I can’t hold it together.”

All of you need to settle down. Try to relax. You can still reach a bowl game if you beat Georgia, Idaho and Alabama.

Sorry, I didn't mean to mention Alabama. Try not to panic. Take these paper bags. Put them over your mouths and noses. Now, breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Your anxiety is certainly understandable. You must find a way to cope. You've got to get a grip on your problems.

Well, except you, Shon. You’ve done that enough already.