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1. Cowboys
The "legend" of the Cowboy says it all. How many kids grew up playing
Cyclones and Sooners? or Jayhawks and Cornhuskers? If kids don't play Army,
they play Cowboys and Indians. West Point is in the Conf USA and Indians
aren't politically correct anymore, so the Cowboys take the top prize. When
Investment Bankers and Movie Stars hit the big-time, what do they do? They
go west and buy a ranch and some cowboy boots; they don't steal land and
grow corn on it.

2. Longhorns
Number two because cowboys rustled the damned things out of the Texas
breaks, drove them up the Chisholm Trail through Oklahoma to Abilene, Kansas
and sold them so they could be eaten in Chicago and New York. Also number
two because of great Cowboy songs telling them to "get-along," although they
really ain't little doggies.

3. Aggies
Would have made the top two if anyone in a major media market knew what the
hell one was. That, and the fact that they have taken a once honorable name
and turned it into a Branch Dividian style cult, keeps the Aggies below the
Longhorns.

4. Buffalos
Must be a close 4th place because of their majesty and the fact that Indians
lived off of them until the cowboys killed the rest of em. Since there ain't
any Indians in the Big XII, they are still below Cowboys, Aggies and their
even more majestic competitor the Longhorn.

5. Tie: Lions (Wildcats) and Tigers and Bears ? OH MY!
Come on, people, use some imagination. Fairy tales, the Wizard of Oz and
Saturday morning cartoons are no way to develop a major college mascot, not
to mention the fact that they are the most over-used in the world of sports.
From High School through to Professional Sports, there are 3,178 Lions,
4,298 Tigers and 2,476 Bears.

6. See number 5.

7. See number 5.

8. Jayhawks
A cute nickname for a bird that strikes utter terror on chickens.
Even Foghorn Leghorn will tell you, "I say, I say Boy . . . that is one . .
. I say, I say . . . lousy excuse for a species". Any time you can take an
animal out with a Brittany Spaniel and a 20 gauge over-and-under, it doesn't
deserve to be a mascot.

9. Cornhuskers
An honorable profession that could have been ranked higher if it were not
for the propensity of people to confuse huskers and holers, combined with
the fact that it is difficult to tell the difference between the male and
female genders of this strange group of people. Two million people (male and
female), and every single ankle looks the same...diameter equal to the
diameter of the calf muscle and covered with hair.

10. Cyclones
Let's see, we now have Doppler radar that can tell us a twister will be
exactly at 51st and Harvard in 18.5 minutes. That's good offensive strategy.
Even if one gets through our defenses, the end result is personal property
damage. As fate would have it though, virtually all of the personal property
damage is usually to trailer homes that Sooners have stolen.

11. Red Raiders
The name Raiders implies raping and pillaging, but this rapist and pillager
dresses like a fruit cake and nobody likes the idea of a homosexual
rapist/pillager. The name Red has long stood for Russia and Communism, so
what we really have here is a pinko-commie homosexual that rapes and
pillages.

12. Sooners
Whether it is about stealing personal assets of others?or referring to one's
sexual prowess the name Sooner is something to be ashamed of. Oh I know, I
have heard the crap about the spirit of settlers in wagons, but those people
settled land honorably and sent their children to the Land Grant College in
Stillwater while the true Sooners ended up in jail.

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8. Jayhawks
A cute nickname for a bird that strikes utter terror on chickens.
Even Foghorn Leghorn will tell you, "I say, I say Boy . . . that is one . .
. I say, I say . . . lousy excuse for a species". Any time you can take an
animal out with a Brittany Spaniel and a 20 gauge over-and-under, it doesn't
deserve to be a mascot.

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11. Red Raiders
The name Raiders implies raping and pillaging, but this rapist and pillager
dresses like a fruit cake and nobody likes the idea of a homosexual
rapist/pillager. The name Red has long stood for Russia and Communism, so
what we really have here is a pinko-commie homosexual that rapes and
pillages

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what we really have here is a pinko-commie homosexual that rapes and
pillages

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