It's not a rivalry, it's not a rivalry... but I can't stop thinking about DADDY! It's not a rivalry...

When Slade Black received his welfare check this morning, he was surprised to find that it was $2003 more than the usual amount. He knew that he should call and tell somebody about the mistake, but his mind began to wander to his past. He thought back to his senior year of high school at New Deal High. He was filling out applications for college. About the only place he thought he could get in was Texas Tech, and it was close to home, so he filled out the admission form. He was afraid that his SAT score was not good enough for even Tech, so he multiplied his score by two, and put down 803 on paper. Five years later, he graduated Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management. Slade figured that if that situation turned out so well, then maybe welfare fraud would do the same.

Slade thought about all of the things he would normally like to do, but being unemployed has never been able to afford. He dreamed of the girls out at Nibbles, Players, and the Bunny Ranch. He envisioned the plethora of drunken nights he could have by blowing the money out at the strip. As Slade mused over these things, his mind slowly turned a new leaf, and in his twisted white trash logic, he thought, “if I am going to do something wrong, I mine as well do something right!” That is when Slade decided to spend the money on his third wife, Darlene.

Slade hopped into his ’83 El Camino through the rolled down window, and tore out of the drive of Commander’s Palace. Commander’s Palace is an “upscale” manufactured homes establishment, not to be confused with a trailer park. Slade’s first idea was to buy Darlene a new watch. His gift would serve two functions. First, it would be a nice gesture. Second, it might help Darlene better time the oven, so she could stop burning the Tuna Helper. He cruised South on Loop 289 and exited South on Slide and turned into the mall parking lot. He went in to Dillard’s and began to look around. He was sidetracked when he saw a sign that read, “Help wanted, Managerial Positions” Slade spent some time reflecting and decided that after 2003 days of unemployment, that it was high time to get a job. So he filled out an application and turned it in. He then purchased a Fossil watch for Darlene, and went back to his car.

As Slade walked, he kept thinking about the disgusted look the cashier gave him when he turned in the application. It burned into his memory, just like the time he witnessed the Masked Rider’s horse plow into the wall at a football game years ago. He looked into his mirror to see what repulsed the girl so much. He decided that it must have been his hair, which was greasy, tangled, and matted. His next good deed was to paint the front porch. He was on his way to the Paint store on 50th street when he noticed a barber shop on his right hand side. He walked in and sat down in a chair and said, “Cut it all”. The barber, Joe, looked hesitantly at the tangled mess, but noticed the wad of cash in Slade’s hand, so he began to cut.

Slade paid Joe and gave him a good tip for his trouble and returned to the El Camino. He was impressed at how devilishly handsome he was with a fresh haircut. He smiled into his rear view and thought, Darlene will be amazed. As he smiled, he began to look at the years of abuse that Skoal Bandits, black coffee, and Pall Mall cigarettes had done to his teeth. He decided that the paint would have to wait, and drove South on Slide, looking for a dentist to whiten his teeth. He found an office on 73rd street, and went in. The receptionist told him he would have to make an appointment and come back. Slade waved the handful of Benjamin’s in front of the window, and he was given an immediate appointment.

After four hours of arduous labor, the appointment was complete, and Slade gave a whole new meaning to the term, pearly whites. As he turned the keys to start the engine, he figured that the only thing missing from his makeover was some new clothes. Most certainly, a sleeveless REO Speedwagon shirt and jean shorts did not fit his new look. He drove to KingsGate, a shopping center where he knew he might find a classy wardrobe. He went in to a store and tried on several things before deciding on buying some Chaps khaki pants, a Ralph Lauren Polo, a brown leather belt, and Cole Haun shoes. After the purchase, he changed in the dressing room, and left his old clothes there.

Slade was excited about returning home to Darlene with his new look. He purchased a dozen red roses from the United Supermarkets store and began to drive home. He knew that Darlene should be home from work by now, and he was anticipating much delight. Yes, Darlene had a job at a day care, you see, she received a better education from South Plains College. Slade was dumbfounded when Darlene screamed and ran when he opened the door. The fact of the matter is that she did not even recognize him. Slade looked around the house, trying to give her the watch and roses. He yelled her name, but to no avail. Finally, he opened the bedroom door, only to be confronted by a baseball bat to the face. Darlene had mistaken him for an intruder. Slade’s pearly white teeth fell to the floor, blood gushing onto his clothes. In the middle of the mayhem their was a voice on the answering machine, “Mr. Black, this is Wendy at Dillard’s, I am calling in regards to your recent application. I would like to set up an interview with you.”

uh.. You are on our website. How many Ags on yours?