The Setup
We roll into Baton Rouge ranked #3 in the nation, the highest we've been this early in decades. ESPN College GameDay is hyping "Aggies on a Mission." Finebaum calls us "a legit playoff threat."
We're way past base camp and starting to show some altitude sickness. The air's thin up here, and we don't know how to breathe it. This is unknown territory for Texas A&M, the kind of rarefied air that's given us AMS*
since 1939.
Meanwhile, the Swamp Kitties down in Baton Rouge are smelling faintly of bourbon, humidity, deep-fried vengeance, and are 6-2, or soon will be.
The Real Problems (That Everyone Pretends Aren't Problems)
Coaching Contrast
Fanbases: Delusion vs. Delirium
[ol]
We fumble a punt after taking a 7-0 lead, and making LSU go 3 and out. We'll lose the lead and then the game. LSU converts a 3rd-and-27 on a broken screen pass that everyone, including Beth Mowins knew was coming. Our place kick holder just had to sneak a corndog, and his greed leads to us missing a 33-yarder that lands in the student section. Mike Elko says "We just need to settle down," as the Tigers go up 24-13. TexAgs melts down by the third quarter. LSU fans storm the field smelling like gasoline, bourbon, and victory. [/ol]
The "Mountain Path" Metaphor (Because It's Always the Same)
We start the climb every year. The view looks amazing. College Football Playoff peak in sight.
And then, somewhere between Baton Rouge humidity and SEC reality, we slip into a crevice, tumbling into an 8-4 abyss, clutching our recruiting rankings like a participation ribbon.
vs
Final Reality Check
We're not built for success this high up. LSU is built to drag people down into the swamp. And once the Swamp Kitties get their claws in, it's over.
Final Score: LSU 34, Texas A&M 16.
Don't bet on the Ags, buy some stock in Fletcher's Corn Dogs.
And the Aggie "path of destiny" takes its annual detour to the Texas Bowl. Worry not fellow Aggies, this loss will be soon forgotten when we get trounced by 28+ by Mizzou and find ourselves ranked 19th and comfortably out of the National Championship picture.
*Aggie Mounting Success: Occurs due to the body's inability to adapt to high rankings, positive media coverage, & legit respect, thus causing doubt, fear, and ****ting the proverbial bed.
We roll into Baton Rouge ranked #3 in the nation, the highest we've been this early in decades. ESPN College GameDay is hyping "Aggies on a Mission." Finebaum calls us "a legit playoff threat."
We're way past base camp and starting to show some altitude sickness. The air's thin up here, and we don't know how to breathe it. This is unknown territory for Texas A&M, the kind of rarefied air that's given us AMS*
since 1939.
Meanwhile, the Swamp Kitties down in Baton Rouge are smelling faintly of bourbon, humidity, deep-fried vengeance, and are 6-2, or soon will be.
The Real Problems (That Everyone Pretends Aren't Problems)
- Extreme Pressure: We've never handled being ranked this high in October. It's like giving a toddler a chainsaw.
- Discipline: We still lead the SEC in penalties per game. Half our drives die on false starts before the first snap.
- Injuries: Le'Veon Moss is still out. Our backup backfield now looks like an intramural roster pulled from the MSC Rec Center.
- Defense: Once again, we're giving up explosive plays because we can't figure out how to tackle in open space. The phrase "eye discipline" might as well be our team's safe word. When D1 coaches have to yell "TACKLE HIM" it's never a good sign.
- It's a night game at Death Valley, where our dreams go to die and corndog fumes fuel chaos.
- The crowd smells like regret and tailgate smoke, and that's the Tiger toddlers. Every LSU fan you meet is two beers deep, convinced Brian Kelly is just Saban is disguise.
- Our players will walk off the bus looking like they could win, and then board that same bus hours later knowing they never could.
Coaching Contrast
- Mike Elko: Calculated, calm, defensive-minded. The guy you want running NASA, not necessarily surviving a riot disguised as a football game.
- Brian Kelly: Red-faced, smug, yelling in accents no one's ever heard. But he knows how to weaponize chaos. He'll fake a punt, fake a field goal, and fake sportsmanship, and it'll all work.
Fanbases: Delusion vs. Delirium
- Aggie fans: "We're finally elite! We control our destiny!"
- LSU fans: "Hold my daiquiri and watch this." They're drunk, hostile, and somehow both sunburned and shirtless. By halftime, the smell of corn dogs and the memories of "what could have been" will hang over our sideline like a Cajun smog.
[ol]
The "Mountain Path" Metaphor (Because It's Always the Same)
We start the climb every year. The view looks amazing. College Football Playoff peak in sight.
And then, somewhere between Baton Rouge humidity and SEC reality, we slip into a crevice, tumbling into an 8-4 abyss, clutching our recruiting rankings like a participation ribbon.
vs
Final Reality Check
We're not built for success this high up. LSU is built to drag people down into the swamp. And once the Swamp Kitties get their claws in, it's over.
Final Score: LSU 34, Texas A&M 16.
Don't bet on the Ags, buy some stock in Fletcher's Corn Dogs.
And the Aggie "path of destiny" takes its annual detour to the Texas Bowl. Worry not fellow Aggies, this loss will be soon forgotten when we get trounced by 28+ by Mizzou and find ourselves ranked 19th and comfortably out of the National Championship picture.
*Aggie Mounting Success: Occurs due to the body's inability to adapt to high rankings, positive media coverage, & legit respect, thus causing doubt, fear, and ****ting the proverbial bed.
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