Gall dang some of these are too funny.


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Enjoy.

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

The teacher asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet, starting with A.

Little Ralphy raises his hand.

Teacher thinks, no way, he's just going to say a**hole and picks another student.

Then B. Raphy raises his hand. Teacher grimmaces, thinking he'll just say b*tch or b*stard and picks another student.

Then C. Ralphy is agonizing, waving his hand in the air. Teacher thinks to herself there is no way I am going to let him yell **** in class, and picks another student.

The teacher keeps going through the alphabet and Little Ralphy keeps raising his hand. Finally she gets to R. Little Ralphy raises his hand again. Teacher thinks to herself, nothing bad starts with R. So she calls on Ralphy.

Teacher: Okay Ralphy, give us a words that starts with R.
Ralphy: RATS!
Teacher: Oh good one, yes, rats starts with R.
Ralphy: (spreads his arms above his head) Rats with dicks this big!

Go Ralphy.



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

You mean little Johnny jokes?

Little Johnny was walking down the street carrying a roll of duck tape. The old man across the street asks him what he is doing, he tells him that he is going to go catch some ducks..."boy you can't catch ducks with duck tape" says the old man....about 20 minutes later, here comes little Johnny walking down the street with a whole group of ducks wrapped up in his duck tape...The little old man just stares...

The next day Little Johnny walks down the street carrying a roll of chicken wire. The little old man asks him what he is doing today and Johnny tellls him that he is going to go catch some chickens "boy you can't catch chickens with chicken wire" says the old main...later that day, little johnny comes walking down the road with the chicken wire full of chickens...the old man just stares...

The next day Little Johnny walks down the street dragging a p**** willow....the little old man hollers, "wait for me, I have to get my hat"

[This message has been edited by SWCBonfire (edited 12/3/2008 12:05p).]

Little Ralphy's teacher gave the class an assignment. Each kid was to spend some time observing their neighborhood and report back the next day after lunch. Next day right before lunch, the teacher released the boys and told the girls to stay behind. The teacher explained that she was concerned Ralphy would say something inappropriate, and she wanted to teach him that it was not only not funny, but disrespectful. She told all of the girls in the class to politely hear Ralphy out, but as soon as he said something crass, they were to immediately rise from their seats, storm out of the classroom and wait in the hall for further instructions. That would teach him, the teacher explained.

Later the students all returned from lunch and one by one they reported their observations. Mike's neighborhood is getting a new park. Tommy saw a trophy 209 buck drinking water at a stream behind his house. Sally saw a black panther fighting a leopard and an aoudad. Johnny took a walk through an oat patch near a fenceline, but nothing happened. Finally, it was Little Ralphy's turn. All the girls turned to listen while sitting on the edges of their seats, and Little Ralphy began.

"I went down to the Johnson place at the end of the road and saw the hens and roosters feeding. That ol' man Johnson has the biggest.."

The girls got ready.

"chicken coop I've ever seen! Mrs. Johnson came out to go for a walk. Man, she's got the biggest..."

Once again the girls were poised to run out.

"fascinaton with walking. Then I decided to walk home. I stopped by the construction site. One of the guys hit his finger with a hammer and dropped it when he went to get a band-aid. Second guy picked it up and asked the first where he should put it. First guy said to put it straight..

This was the biggie, they thought.

"into the trashcan. The head is slipping off and I don't want anyone to get hurt."

At this point everyone figured Little Ralphy was going to behave, and he quietly went on with his story about the construction site. Once he finished, the teacher said, "That was a very good story, Little Ralphy. Tell us, what exactly are they building?"

Little Ralphy replied, "Oh, that's the best part!! It's gonna be a big ol' t*tty bar!!"

It took a second, but the girls all realized Ralphy'd said something inappropriate. They jumped from their seats and took off out the door and down the hallway. Little Ralphy just slapped his forehead. "Come back you stupid b8tches. They won't be hiring for six months!"

An old man was sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. Little Underoos walks up carrying a brown paper bag and sits next to the old man. About five minutes later, LU opens the bag, takes out a candy bar, unwraps it, and eats it. The old man notices, but does nothing. Few minutes later, LU does it again. The old man continues to feed the pigeons. Another five minutes, another candy bar.

Somewhere about 20 minutes and 4-5 candy bars later, the old man looks at LU. "You know son, that really isn't good for you. You're gonna ruin your dinner. You're gonna ruin your skin. You're gonna rot your teeth, and that sugar is gonna mess you up."

LU just looks up at the old man and says, "you know, my grandpa lived to be 105."

Old man asks, "how? by eating candy bars?"

LU says, "No, by minding his own MF business!"

UnderoosAg, blue star, well done

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

quote:

---

Mike's neighborhood is getting a new park. Tommy saw a trophy 209 buck drinking water at a stream behind his house. Sally saw a black panther fighting a leopard and an aoudad. Johnny took a walk through an oat patch near a fenceline, but nothing happened.

---

Underoos, that is the best one.

One day in Sunday school, little Ralphy/Johhny's teacher asked them what part of the body they thought got to heaven first, after a person died and why they tought it was that body part.

Little Suzie said that it was the head, because you rise straight up and your head would reach the clouds first.

Little Betty said it was your hands, because when you are praying for forgiveness at the very end, you will have your hands up in the air reaching towards God.

Little Ralphy/Johnny said, "No, No, No, it is the feet and I know this for sure. Last night after I went to bed, I heard my momma yelling 'Oh, God, I'm coming,' and I looked into her room. Her feet were sticking up in the air, and daddy must not have wanted her to go to heaven because he was on top of her holding her down.

One day, the teacher asked her class 'What vegetable makes you cry?'

Little Ralphy replies "a turnip".

"No Ralphy' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips"

"Miss" Says Ralphy, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "****!", the dog ate him!"

Those are pretty good. Underoos is winning so far though.

I'm not thru. Be back later.

ttt...because these are a riot

Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Ralphy waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Ralphy, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Ralphy says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job".

[This message has been edited by txaggie02 (edited 12/3/2008 8:09p).]

nm

[This message has been edited by txaggie02 (edited 12/3/2008 8:29p).]

Material stealer.

Damn lazy repeater...

Dang! I didn't see that you already posted it. I will find a replacement.

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Because your finger smells like P**** !"

[This message has been edited by 0708aggie (edited 12/3/2008 8:31p).]

Damn FSGuide. I missed that one.

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his d*** haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

i saw this one on this board earlier in the year:

quote:

---

Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a accident either.'

---

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your a** before the day was over."

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her v*****, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

Here is some more
http://www.little-johnny-joke.com/

[This message has been edited by 0708aggie (edited 12/3/2008 8:45p).]

[This message has been edited by 0708aggie (edited 12/3/2008 8:46p).]

Little Johnny is in the classroom. The teacher asks for students to give a famous quote and then identify the person who made the quote.

So, little johnny raises his hand is going crazy waving it back and forth, but the teacher knowing Johnny's tendency to say nasty things picks on Maria.

Maria says "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"

The teacher says "great Maria...who said that?"

Maria says "John F. Kennedy".

Next, Juan raises his hand while johnny is waving wildly. Juan says "I have a dream". The teacher says "great...who said that?"

Juan says "Martin Luther King." Johnny is getting pissed and waving his hand.

The teacher then calls on Alejandro.

Johnny is fed up and yells "Where'd all these f'ing Mexicans come from?"

The teacher says "who said that?!!!"

Johnny says "Davy Crocket at the Alamo...I am outta here biatch!"

[This message has been edited by queso1 (edited 12/4/2008 9:32a).]

I sent this link to a friend of mine thats in poor health. He called me crying he was laughing so hard. Many thanks for contributing.

queso!