My "Statement of Purpose" for Grad School

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The Cowboy
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Howdy!

I've never posted on the Acad. Board but have been on TexAgs for a little while now so I guess a introduction of some sorts is necessary. Anyway, I have always wanted to be an Aggie (read below to see what has put that off so far), and I am currently applying for grad school to get a master's in Sports Management. I have spoken with advisors in person and via telephone. I do feel like I'm qualified, however, I heard they kind of "hang their hat" on your essay. I finished mine tonight and found it that it can be hard to put the way you feel about things into words. So I figured I would post it on here for criticism before I sent it in.

Constructive criticism is welcome, but please be gentle. ; )

They say about the Aggie Spirit that "from the outside looking in, you
can't understand it." I can. From the time I could walk, I feel like I have
been an Aggie. One of my first Halloween costumes was an Aggie football player
(Bucky Richardson and Aaron Wallace were my heroes back then). My father, who
attended Texas A&M along with my uncle, brought me up as an Aggie. Growing up
in southeast Texas meant that I would have to travel 180 miles to experience
events such as Muster, Bonfire, Midnight Yell, and everything else that makes
Aggieland so special. However, to me and my family, the distance did not
matter. I made many trips to College Station, and each one meant as
much to me as the previous. I learned everything I could about Texas A&M and
what it meant to become an Aggie. There was no doubt in my mind that I would be
the next to continue the Aggie tradition in my family.
Out of high school, I was accepted into the Fightin' Texas Aggie Class of
2009. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I had always dreamed of
receiving that letter, and its arrival in the mail was almost surreal. By the
time my story took a different turn, I had already had my major picked, dorm
room assigned, and was looking into my class schedule. However, a phone call
from the head baseball coach at Hill College, in Hillsboro, Texas, changed the
next four years of my life and my plans of becoming an 'official' Aggie.
Growing up, the only thing I loved as much as A&M was the game of
baseball. It took over most of my life outside of school. I was presented
numerous awards in high school and colleges began taking notice. The coach at
Hill offered me a scholarship to continue my education and baseball career at a
discounted price. My passion for baseball, along with the obligation I felt to
aide my parents financially, is what pushed me toward taking the scholarship.
My family had taken so much time and effort out of their lives (and wallets)
for me to become successful in baseball. It seemed to me that accepting the
scholarship was the least I could do to help them.
I spent one year at Hill College, learning what it was like to balance
school and sport at the collegiate level before I was offered another athletic
scholarship to McNeese State University, which I accepted. At the time,
baseball had taken over my life, and I had come to grips with the reality that
maybe I wasn't quite talented enough to play for the Aggies. I was skeptical
about my move to Louisiana, but it was close to home and offered me an avenue
to continue my playing career. I am extremely grateful and have no regrets
about choosing McNeese. For three years, I did my best to bleed Cowboy blue and
gold, while still holding a special place close to my heart for the maroon and
white.
Even though baseball has consumed much of my life, I always took pride in
my academic endeavors. My parents always pushed me in the classroom, and it was
through their motivation, along with my hard work, that led me to academic
success. I was presented many honors throughout my scholastic career, beginning
at Nederland High School. I graduated in the top ten percent of my class and
was a member of both the National and Spanish Honor Societies. I was proud that
my academic abilities were able to translate to the next level as well. Each
semester while in college, I was a member of the Dean or President's list at my
respective institutions. While at McNeese State, I really began to reap the
fruits of my scholastic labors. Due to being regular member of the Academic
All-Southland Conference teams, my name was submitted for more prestigious
awards. During my senior baseball season, I was selected to the
District XI CoSIDA All-Star team which is comprised of the best student
athletes college baseball has to offer from six regions of the United States.
Members of all six teams were sent to ESPN the Magazine where they compiled
their Academic All-American teams based on performance on the field and in the
classroom. In June 2009, I was selected to the ESPN the Magazine Academic
All-American team, only the third McNeese State baseball player to ever be
presented with Academic All-American Honors. My final scholastic award was the
culmination of all my efforts. I graduated cum laude from McNeese State
University in May of 2009 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Mass
Communication, along with that same hunger and passion I had always had to
become an Aggie.
My background in sports and communication makes the Sports Management
Graduate Program seem like a perfect fit to continue my education. I understand
much of the on and off-field concepts that go along with running a sports
organization. Project concepts and ideas were easy for me to come up with most
of the time during my undergraduate career because I would work to make the
assignment sports related. The Master's Degree plan offered by Texas A&M in
Sports Management would open up a lot of avenues for future endeavors. I plan
to take my educational and athletic experiences with me from Texas A&M into the
job market with a belief that I will make some company, organization, or
athletic department better financially and ethically.
If I were to be accepted, a degree from Texas A&M is much more than an
accomplishment. It means becoming part of the Aggie family and wearing my Aggie
ring for the rest of my life. My lifelong dream of officially becoming a
student at Texas A&M. If I am honored to become a student in Aggieland, I can
promise that I will give every ounce of my heart and mind to the university and
my education. There is no doubt that I will do everything in my power to
improve on what is already a sterling reputation.
Finally, I hope I have sufficiently explained my spirit, love, and
unbridled passion to become a Fightin' Texas Aggie. It's hard to put the
feelings into words, as "The Spirit of Aggieland" says, "But there's a spirit
can ne'er be told." There are no more accurate words in Aggie lore than those.

Thanks and Gig'em!

The Cowboy
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Also, I'm really not that arrogant/conceited, but I felt that I had to throw some accomplishments around to add to my qualifications.
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The Cowboy
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Thanks for the advice. I knew it wasn't going to be perfect after one draft.

It's hard to not sound overly desperate when you feel so strongly about things, and I understand how the last paragraph is too much. I cut that down pretty well.

I'm not too worried about the changing of tenses. I want it to be somewhat conversational. After getting an undergrad in communcation, I have found/learned that the majority of communication done now is conversational. I don't want to seem to rigid, but I will go back and fix the spelling mistakes as there are no excuses for those.
Ag_Wolverine
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On my phone and cannot do a better edit but my suggestion would to switch the order around a little; why the sport management program (stress what it is you like about them, why you would fit, how they would benefit from you, something like that but you only have that aspect towards the end), then your personal history/ accomplishments/ evolution into sports management and the fuzzy-goodness about A&M last. Grad school is similar to an employment, so treat it that way and squeeze the warmy-goodness down.
CharlieTheUnicorn
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I think you should focus more on what degree you would be getting and what you bring to that college, than how much you love A&M and baseball. Both are great things, but should be after thoughts to the degree and education you seek. I only scanned it, but it seems like you focus a great deal on how you grew up loving A&M and baseball. Every point should lead in some way back to why they want you in the college and how your ambition will add to the education you seek from A&M.

The degree you seek and the college should be stated up front in the first paragraph. Your accomplishments in Baseball should be mentioned in regards to the knowledge and experience you can offer to the program.

If you need a final grammar edit, let me know. I love editing. Good luck!

[This message has been edited by CharlieTheUnicorn (edited 12/2/2009 2:25p).]
aggiespartan
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I'm not exactly sure what the prompt is that they gave you for your statement of purpose, but I think what helped me when I applied to graduate school, is that I looked at the faculty and found profs that I knew I would be working with and explained why I wanted to work with them to accomplish my goals. A lot of times they want to know that you researched their department and why you feel it will be a good fit for you. Keep in mind that the department will be reviewing your essay, not the admissions department. I'm not saying they won't like your love for A&M, but graduate school is more academic and focused than applying for undergrad.

I just looked over your essay again, and I would just like to emphasize that you are applying to the program for academics. I don't think I have ever known anyone in this program, but it seems like you wrote a paragraph or less of why you actually want to be in that program, studying under these people. Your excitement is wonderful, but remember what you are applying for.

[This message has been edited by aggiespartan (edited 12/2/2009 3:40p).]
Dr. Devil Dog
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quote:
I'm not exactly sure what the prompt is that they gave you for your statement of purpose, but I think what helped me when I applied to graduate school, is that I looked at the faculty and found profs that I knew I would be working with and explained why I wanted to work with them to accomplish my goals. A lot of times they want to know that you researched their department and why you feel it will be a good fit for you. Keep in mind that the department will be reviewing your essay, not the admissions department. I'm not saying they won't like your love for A&M, but graduate school is more academic and focused than applying for undergrad.

I just looked over your essay again, and I would just like to emphasize that you are applying to the program for academics. I don't think I have ever known anyone in this program, but it seems like you wrote a paragraph or less of why you actually want to be in that program, studying under these people. Your excitement is wonderful, but remember what you are applying for.


+1

You have to sell them on what you would add to the department, not what you would add to the campus as a whole
The Cowboy
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Thanks for the response guys.

I have done a lot of editing to it, and as I said earlier, I didn't expect the original to hold through an edit.

I have added to my credentials, and why I am choosing the Sp.Mgmt. department.

Has anyone been through there? Or know anyone that has? I'd like to know what they stressed in their essay.

And there is no prompt for it. It just says type a statement of why you are picking this school and department.
aggiespartan
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I think I would still look at the professors' expertise in the program. In the version that you gave us, I didn't see your main objective anywhere. I think it might be helpful to be able to say something (roughly) like "my goal is x, there are people in this program that specialize in/have published about y, and that will help me in z way." That will show that you have clear goals and you have done your research about the department. That's how I wrote my statements (each statement for each school was different) and that seemed to work for me.
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The Cowboy
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Hmm...well for what it's worth I called the academic advisor I had a meeting with and asked her some pertinent questions about my essay.

She said they wanted to hear exactly what I told them. She said they want people that want them, and she also sent me an email with "what they look for in Statement of Purpose".

It seems to fit what I have...

...but I have listened to all your suggestions and changed up order, structure, and cut it down a significant bit.

I had a peer edit come in and change some of the verbage, spelling miscues, and add suggestions here and there as well.

aggiespartan
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It's good that you are pretty much done with it. I think what everybody was just trying to tell you is exactly what she said. "They want somebody that wants them." - I think everybody here was trying to tell you that the "them" usually means the department, not the greater university.
Ag_Wolverine
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Just one last suggestion, you can take it for what's it worth, and it doesn't look like you may have trouble with this, but sometimes being TOO specific can hurt you too. You may be in love with Prof X's work but if he's retiring or not taking students, then you may be out of luck too. Plus, he may not even be on the admissions committee and may not even read your statement. Try to find themes, or philosophy, amongst the department and write about your interest in the theme. You can mention Prof X, but mention Prof Y and Z too. Find a balance between being general and specific. Good Luck.
nnichols
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Just finished my SOP. Whoop!
MSCAg
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Well, stick with what your advisor would tell you, but it seems like you need to cut down a bit on your life story of almost going to A&M and instead talk about what you can bring to the program and what you hope to gain.

I wouldn't get specific ("I love Dr. No's research) but I would pick 2 or 3 profs and talk about your interest in their area of expertise.

quote:
My background in sports and communication makes the Sports Management
Graduate Program seem like a perfect fit to continue my education. I understand
much of the on and off-field concepts that go along with running a sports
organization. Project concepts and ideas were easy for me to come up with most
of the time during my undergraduate career because I would work to make the
assignment sports related. The Master's Degree plan offered by Texas A&M in
Sports Management would open up a lot of avenues for future endeavors. I plan
to take my educational and athletic experiences with me from Texas A&M into the
job market with a belief that I will make some company, organization, or
athletic department better financially and ethically.
This paragraph needs to be elaborated more. Maybe be a little more specific with your career goals and what are some specific things you hope to learn out of the master's program (you can reference both profs expertise and look up some of the specific courses they offer and mention those).

I think you come of as passionate and interested in being an Aggie, I just might cut some of the baseball story down a bit and expand on why you want to be an Aggie in their program.

[This message has been edited by MSCAg (edited 12/15/2009 9:13a).]
The Cowboy
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Ok, I have taken ALL of your considerations into mind and have done some serious editing.

I have had it peer edited, parent (who attended A&M) edited, and online edited. I think I have come to a final draft...now I can take a breath.

That is, until I take my GRE.
nnichols
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I could make alot of comments, but I will say: your SOP has alot of personal information and school referances that arent really relevant to your degree consideration. You want your SOP to be focused and concise. Talk about your relevant experiences and awards. You desired area of research and why A&M helps to accomplish your overall goals. You need to discuss what your goals of graduate school are etc. Therefore, your entire essay, not just a small overal lportion should look like this part:

My background in sports and communication makes the Sports Management Graduate Program seem like a perfect fit to continue my education. I understand
much of the on and off-field concepts that go along with running a sports organization. Project concepts and ideas were easy for me to come up with most of the time during my undergraduate career because I would work to make the assignment sports related. The Master's Degree plan offered by Texas A&M in Sports Management would open up a lot of avenues for future endeavors. I plan to take my educational and athletic experiences with me from Texas A&M into the job market with a belief that I will make some company,organization, or athletic department better financially and ethically.

If I was you, Id make a basic intro, then a description of your sport background, awards, playing experience, work experience, etc. Then move to your personal area of interests and how the above experiences have shown you that the average candidate will not be familiar. Maybe something like youve seen both the administrative aspect and the aspect of a player. Maybe it helped you in your ability to communicate more effectively, etc. Then go on and mention why A&Ms program fits your needs. Maybe say something like my interest in A&M's sports mgmt program stems from their specilization in the field of x. This specilization will allow me to better relate my academic interests to my professional degree because it .... Also, just present the facts, dont add opinion and other statements like " They say'you cant understand it...'". They just serve as filler and dont represent YOU. All of the "always been a dream" and "i promise to" statements arent what they are looking for. Right now, it reads like a long winded recap of your life vs a statement of purpose. I dont mean to sound critical, I just think you have the background and experience to have a REALLY powerful statement.

[This message has been edited by nnichols (edited 12/15/2009 6:37p).]
goldag
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Anyone had to do research for their statement of purpose? Not research on the school but info on issue with that degree. It just seems odd to have sources listed in a GRE.
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