I recently attended an event with extended family, and I come from a family with strong believers (of the literalist Protestant variety). Several uncles and a few cousins in the course of conversation asked me how I was doing spiritually.

I always assume that Christians want to hear "great, I'm on fire for Jesus" or something like that rather than the honest truth. I don't say that because I don't want to lie. However, surely my extended family members didn't ask me that question looking for a debate on the reality of God or whether Jesus was his earthly manifestation, right?

If I say anything other than "great, I'm on fire for Jesus" people will assume I'm somehow struggling with my faith, which is not the case. There is no struggle because I have no faith.

Other than starting an uncomfortable religious debate at an inopportune situation, how do I deal with that question without lying to people?


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What I went with is "this isn't the time to have this conversation."

The problem is that I can only use that for so long...

Aggrad08 said:

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I give a simple "I'm happy with where I'm at." My brothers and I all abandoned religion, but the rest of the fam remains devout, with a number of preachers in the mix.

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That's a pretty good one. I may try that out next time.

That's not something I ask with extended family, Christian or no. Seems weird unless y'all are super open and communicative on a regular basis. Or unless they know you don't believe but want to start a conversation. Why not just say you don't believe and don't want to talk about it?

AstroAg17 said:

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You might as well say "I don't believe in God" if you're going to say "this isn't the time to talk about that". They mean the same thing. I don't think there is a correct answer to your OP. If people ask how you're doing spiritually, and you give the honest answer that you're not, it's going to be awkward.

You should honestly answer, and then if they try to debate that's the time to say "this isn't the time to talk about that".

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Yea, this is kinda what I felt like I was signalling.

AGC said:

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That's not something I ask with extended family, Christian or no. Seems weird unless y'all are super open and communicative on a regular basis. Or unless they know you don't believe but want to start a conversation. Why not just say you don't believe and don't want to talk about it?

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Many of these people I haven't seen in 5-7 years. I feel like this is something I shouldn't be asked, but for whatever reason they think it's a totally normal conversation starter.

chuckd said:

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I'm a Christian who would probably be pegged "of the literalist Protestant variety" and get uncomfortable when asked that question. It's very personal. Like "how's your marriage?", but worse.

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Well I'm glad it's not just me that feels uncomfortable with that line of questioning / conversation.

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Many of these people I haven't seen in 5-7 years. I feel like this is something I shouldn't be asked, but for whatever reason they think it's a totally normal conversation starter.

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Yes, as a casual conversation item, it is really inappropriate. Inappropriate not just because it's a personal question, but because much of the bible talks about confronting our own issues inside (and outside) of talking about to others about theirs. Someone fishing for your "lack of spirituality" misses the point, imo.

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I'm a Christian who would probably be pegged "of the literalist Protestant variety" and get uncomfortable when asked that question. It's very personal. Like "how's your marriage?", but worse.

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I think there is still a time and place for this sort of conversation, though.

Woody2006 said:

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Aggrad08 said:

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I give a simple "I'm happy with where I'm at." My brothers and I all abandoned religion, but the rest of the fam remains devout, with a number of preachers in the mix.

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That's a pretty good one. I may try that out next time.

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If you go with that, say "I'm happy with where I am." Grammar and all that.

Yeah asking that question of someone is at least as intimate as "so how's your sex life?"

The answer to that question is either honestly (because the person is close enough to ask that) or with "none of your business, thanks".

k2aggie07 said:

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Yeah asking that question of someone is at least as intimate as "so how's your sex life?"

The answer to that question is either honestly (because the person is close enough to ask that) or with "none of your business, thanks".

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If I said "none of your business, thanks" to my family members, don't you think they will receive that as "I don't believe in your silly god or expectations of eternal life"?

The problem with this is that in not answering the question, I really have.

I'd probably answer that same question from my family, and I'm not an atheist...?

k2aggie07 said:

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I'd probably answer that same question from my family, and I'm not an atheist...?

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Well I suppose you have a different relationship with your family than do I. That seems a bit confrontational for the situation, IMO.

BQ75 said:

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Woody2006 said:

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Other than starting an uncomfortable religious debate at an inopportune situation, how do I deal with that question without lying to people?

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Sir, not being informed to the highest degree of accuracy, I hesitate to articulate for fear that I may deviate from the true course of rectitude. In short, sir, I am a very dumb fish and do not know, sir.

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I'm thinking that would work better if I had been in the corps.

As for the OP's actual question, before Doc derailed this, I'm pretty sure plenty of suitable responses have been given. As for me, I'd probably just say "Given the volatile nature of religion and politics, I try to avoid discussing either at parties. Thanks for asking though, but I'd love to talk about the Aggies going 8-5 again this year."

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For the OP, I think my reaction would be a surprised laugh, honestly. And I actually think the vast majority of my religious relatives would do the same if another relative asked them that.

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In my family, they treat this question as the equivalent of "how's your health?"

There's also always someone with an acoustic guitar in case an organic bout of praise music is needed.

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In my family, they treat this question as the equivalent of "how's your health?"

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That sounds terrible. They must be the same stock as the guy who asked me if I'd found a "church home" yet in week 2 of a six-week internship in a city I had no history/ties to whatsoever.

Best answer yet.

I'm not anyone else at the current time on Texags other than doc Daneeka. Just for the record. I only make a new name when I get banned... Permanently.

[If you derail this thread again you will get a ban. -Staff]

woah Staff way cleaned up.

My post was for realsies

swimmerbabe11 said:

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woah Staff way cleaned up.

My post was for realsies

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Yep, I had a serious reply as well, because, well, the question in the OP would be treated by my family in the manner as, "Dude, are you drunk?" And, yeah, we might actually be close to it because all our family gatherings involve libations, and usually copious amounts.

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I always assume that Christians want to hear "great, I'm on fire for Jesus" or something like that rather than the honest truth.

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You know, reading the OP again and this stood out to me. I completely understand the assumption and it's probably largely accurate. That there's some truth to that makes me sad. Vulnerability and openness is something we've lost in our society, in general, and the church as well. It's something I struggle with and wish I had the courage to be more open about my brokenness with my brothers/sisters in the church. Nobody wants to appear "weak" or "lesser". Our society places so much emphasis on "strength", "power" and "success" that even those in the church have a tendency to bottle up those things that seem counter to those so the world doesn't see it.

I'll chance a response here.

That type of questioning makes me feel entirely uncomfortable, and I think it hardens back to my days as a an agnostic and living in the Bible Belt.. questions like how's your spiritual health or have you found a "church home," are very awkward to a non believer.

Now being a Catholic convert I still find that type of question to be inappropriate unless I really know the person.

All that being said, I struggle to not find fault in the people for asking. For a person of faith, to pray for someone or to connect with them on their faith, is the greatest connection or gift we can offer.

I think it has been posted before. But Penn sums it up well here on an experience he had.

While tounge-in-cheek, my response was somewhat serious as well.

Depending upon who exactly is asking, I would very likely respond with a humorous pun about spirits.

My legit response was deleted too. My serious answer is I would laugh at someone who asked me this. I'm also serious in that pretty much all my religious family would do the same. 747's "Dude, are you drunk" is pretty much what this hypothetical person would get from any of the Beer Barons.

This depends on culture as well. In America we do not like to go deep.

For instance, someone says "How are you?"
We are pressured to give a short answer and move on. We rarely really want to know how things are really going.

This question about your spiritual life is against our cultural standards. We aren't supposed to dig that deep unless first invited.

I'll come out of lurker waters to respond....

As a Christian, it is our duty to our fellow man to engage in these discussions in a manner that does not drive them away. The true Christian faith preaches that the only way to enternal life with our Heavenly Father is faith in the sacrifice of Christ.

So, as a Christian, we want everyone to join us in paradise. But especially our family and the ones we love.

I am one of five children and the only one who still attends church on a regular basis. The others still profess to Christianity, but do not attend church on a regular basis and many of their kids claim to be atheists. If they truly believed in the tenants of Christianity, they would do everything they can to help their kids find the truth in Christ. So I doubt their sincerity.

So of course it scares me and my parents. I have cousins who have abandoned their faith and are atheists, too.

My approach has always been to maintain a positive open relationship with my family. When the family members I worry about ever bring up religion or the meaning of life, I do not miss a chance to talk about Christianity. But I am careful not to get them defensive or make them feel judged.

It's a difficult balance, but hopefully the OP understands that if other family members truly love him, the question is one about love and not about judging.

It can be uncomfortable, but it should not be if approached and discussed appropriately with respect.

Why did the mods ruin my thread?

We were having fun...

Mods, for the record, I am a big boy and can handle trolls and distractions / derailments. I don't need your help. Thanks and gig em.

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RetiredAg said:

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I always assume that Christians want to hear "great, I'm on fire for Jesus" or something like that rather than the honest truth.

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You know, reading the OP again and this stood out to me. I completely understand the assumption and it's probably largely accurate. That there's some truth to that makes me sad. Vulnerability and openness is something we've lost in our society, in general, and the church as well. It's something I struggle with and wish I had the courage to be more open about my brokenness with my brothers/sisters in the church. Nobody wants to appear "weak" or "lesser". Our society places so much emphasis on "strength", "power" and "success" that even those in the church have a tendency to bottle up those things that seem counter to those so the world doesn't see it.

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I meant this more from a confirmation bias perspective.

This may not be the case for all Christians, but for my family I know they want everyone to at bare minimum "play along", if you will. They don't want to be challenged on their beliefs, and don't expect to be. They expect that asking a question like "how are you doing spiritually" to be answered within the basic framework of an acceptance that God is real and the Bible is the inerrant truth.

If I said, "you know I'm really struggling with my faith right now", they would be fine with that and probably start praying for me even more fervently than before. However, if I said "I'm doing fine because I don't believe in God or spirituality", I think they would be shocked and feel attacked.