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THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON-

a Dallas deal-maker and overall awesome guy



Copyright 2006 Katherine F. Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized Reproduction Prohibited



My name is Cash McMogulson III, I don't know you, but you probably know me. You've seen me in Paper City or out at the bar. I didn't notice you --- don't worry. I was probably wearing a blazer. My days are always productive and my nights are always awesome. Did I tell you about last thursday? No! ****. Well here it goes, another banner night

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My buddies and I went to Bob's for dinner. We do deals. We eat steaks. I got the filet rare. That's what you order. I didn't eat the carrot. That's gay ****. Anyway, our waitress was hot! I've been seeing this girl, Ashley St. Standard. I mean, she's hot too of course, and even though she's pretty average in the sack and not too smart she was in a good sorority- the same one as my mom. I don't know where she is tonight. Don't really care, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So Bob's was ****ing amazing oh and we totally played credit card Russian roulette. I didn't lose, but I paid for the whole thing anyway. Who the **** cares who pays, it was practically a business dinner since we talked about all the deals I have going on. I always have deals going on. So do my buddies. So then I looked at my Rolex and it was like 10:30pm, it's EARLY! My buddy Turner Parkerton was so wasted he's a closer too. That's why we hang out. So anyway he just broke up with his girlfriend who sucked by the way (I mean if she didn't suck, I'd be dating her) and we wanted to find some really hot tail for him I mean, since I'm seeing that girl



I told Turner I'd drive, so we all got into my black Tahoe. I mean Tahoes are great that's what guys should have. I'd get an '07 Range Rover, but I don't want to beat it up on my hunting lease. The valet took forever, so I just gave the dude a $20. I don't have time to wait for change. It's just a bunch of ones. That's not even money. We were going to go to Sense and get a table and some bottles of Ketel, but we didn't want some North Dallas chicks throwing themselves at us and drinking off our bottles. I don't touch 972s anyway. So in the car we all decided to go cougar hunting. Best sport in Dallas. You know what a cougar is right? Yeah! So ****ing hot. They're old and rich and all they want is sex. So they're just like me, except older and female. Not that I'd date one of them for real. But they're good for entertainment. So me and Turner went to TABC, it's cougar den in there. Just roll in there in a hot white shirt and blazer and you're golden. Just a couple of bleeding deer waiting to get clawed. Cougars can smell a guy with a Rolex from 100 yards. It's half the reason I wear one. Here kitty. So, I was talking to this one hot cougar and this fat girl tried to talk to me. I mean she was ordering a drink, but still, she talked to me and asked me to move over so she could get to the bar. My friends and I close deals, we don't talk to fat chicks got it? It pissed me off so bad a piece of my hair even fell out of place. I have great hair at least that's what my mom told me. It's kind of wavy and the ladies love it. My dad Cash McMogulson Jr. has the exact same hair, he's in real estate too. Enough about me, back to the evening



So it was almost 1am and we still hadn't found any ass for Turner, not that it's hard for me to find ass, because it isn't. I knew where to go (I ALWAYS know where to go) the Loon. Finding a drunk chick to hook up with in the Loon after 1am is like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier and when you look like me and Turner, it's almost unfair. The Loon was packed. This dude in a ribbed v-neck with spiky hair totally on one of my Ferragamo loafers and I almost beat his ass. "The dealership Addison called, the lease on your H3 is up, time to go home" That's what I said to him! My shoes cost as much as his car payment. Loser. No, I take that back, my tie costs as much as his car payment. It was so ******* funny. I can't help it. I'm superior. I've got so much more money than him, I mean my parents do, but still. When they die, I'll be way richer. You should have been there. I was wasted, and I didn't need to deal with a bunch of trash, Turner and I are too good for that ****. What? You think it sounds like my night sucked? Are you kidding me? So what if nothing happened! I don't care, it was awesome. $1000 dollars for dinner doesn't even make me blink. I can't wait to tell all my friends tomorrow. I'm going to email them and tell them how awesome it was. I'll be in the office early of course. I've got this deal to work on.

Copyright 2006 Katherine F. Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized Reproduction Prohibited

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THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON

Chapter 2

Cash Branches Out

Copyright 2006 Katherine F. Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized Reproduction Prohibited



Cash McMogulson III here. It's been a while. I still don't know your name. Since my last dinner at Bob's, I've done 32 deals. April is always a slow month. I've been in Paper City three times and D Magazine twice. I was wearing jeans and blazer in every picture.but who gives a ****, all the shirts and girls were different --- except for one. In fact this one cougar in training I met was so ****ing hot I let her be in two pictures with me and I think I might even take her out to dinner -- on an off-night, of course. There was just one problem...Just so you know, an off-night is where I don't have any other awesome deals, games, parties or buddies in town. They rarely happen.

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Let me catch you up. Yeah, I was seeing that Ashley St. Standard girl. (blonde, hot, didn't talk too much) So what? She was like an 8-point buck... sometimes you shoot one even though you know youre not going to put it on the wall. Meats still good, its just not trophy material. Right? Whatever. Im only 30, you cant expect me to date just one girl.



So Tuesday, my other buddy Jefferson Davis and I were at this big party for this club were in. It's for the guys who do the biggest deals. We look great, we drink scotch, were in the best clubs. All my buddies are members. I decide who gets in. You couldn't get in. Trust me. Well, me and Davis were talking about our Mavs tickets and how good they are and all of a sudden, this girl walks up to the bar. Kitten with full cougar potential? Check. Blonde hair? Check. Hot legs? Check. Black pants? Check. Louis Vuitton purse? Check. **** off, I know it's gay to know about purses. But you'd be surprised how fast it gets you laid if you give a girl one --- even a small one. They're only like $300. I buy a couple at a time cause they help you if you get caught cheating too.



Davis and I didn't know her --- which meant that she wasn't from HP or UP but that's ok, I'll still date girls from River Oaks or Alamo Heights. I kept waiting for her to check me out. Girls ALWAYS check me out.



Shes standing next to me and then, I realized that my sleeve was totally covering my Rolex! God, she probably thought I was poor. Not her fault. I wear French cuffs to work. Theyre usually monogrammed. So I pulled back my left sleeve and BAM! She turns around. I'm not kidding! Ask Davis. This **** happens to me all the time. Right then the photographer comes up and she gets to be in two pictures with me. This girl was having one hell of a day. Her name was Sara Simpleton and I could tell she thought I was hot, so I told her all about me. Girls LOVE hearing about things like my car and my season tickets. I usually try to work in what street my parents live on, just so they know where I'm coming from. That's a deal closer. Always be closing! Thats what my dad says. It's what McMogulson's have done for generations. You know what else closes the deal? The picture of my dog on my Blackberry. He's a yellow Lab named Tahoe. Sometimes I say I have two Tahoes. Get it? I drive a Tahoe and my dogs name is Tahoe! Chicks can't keep their clothes on when you have a dog, they think it means youre ready to have kids. David ****ing Copperfield doesn't have a better trick. I swear.



Where was I? Talking to Sara. Right. She said just moved here from somewhere. Don't know, don't care, and I think she said something about interior decorating. My mom does that. NOT that my mom has to work, because she doesn't --- but for fun. She buys lamps and stuff for my dad's office. That's what girls are supposed to do.



THEN, I said, I want to take you to Tei Tei this weekend, can I have your phone number, and she says, "ok, it's 469." And I said, "214-469."And she goes, "NO, 469" and I go, "214-469 what?" And GET THIS. Her AREA CODE was 469. What the ****. I've said it before, I don't dial long distance and I don't do long distance. But I do love cougars. Even young ones. And she's hottest thing I've seen in years, and she still lives in Uptown. So I got her number. NOT that I need a date, because I don't I have plans every night until September. We left the party and got in the car to go to The Quarter and Davis was laughing his ass off on the phone with our other buddy Parkerton. He told me to have fun picking her up in Oklahoma. Screw him. His Land Rover has like 17,000 miles on it. So not new. And for the record, Parkerton hasn't closed anything since Star Canyon was open.

Ill let you know how the date goes.

Copyright 2006 Katherine F. Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized Reproduction Prohibited

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THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON


Copyright 2006 Katherine Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited.


Chapter 3 "Cash Deserves Better" - part on

Cash McMogulson III here. I'm heading out the door in a second. It's Thursday and we're going to the W to hunt some Dallas' finest cougars in their natural habitat. I'm on the list. I'm always on the list. What, you thought I was staying in? Trust me when I say that's never happened.

You might be wondering where I've been. Yeah I know I havent called you back. I was in Vegas for a while. Bunch of my buddies had a conference up there. ICSC. It's real estate. You weren't invited. You know what I call ICSC? Incredible Coke & ****ty Cougars. Get it? Awesome. So funny. My buddy Turner Parkerton and I thought that up. I just went to blow some money. I don't do retail. Not that I couldn't. What's new? Well another deal went through, and I'm thinking about getting a boat. On my way to the 214 Triple Crown - Car, Boat, Plane. Once you've got a plane, most chicks will give it up on the first date. Most do anyway when you've got think wavy hair and a Zegna blazer. Remember that girl I met? Sara Simpleton? The 469'er? Well I was going to take her out to Tei Tei - on an off-night of course, and ****, it was a ****ing nightmare. I almost had to take my blazer off.

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So I met this Sara girl at that party and she was the hottest thing in the room. Like I said before, that other Ashley girl I went out with - total 8-pointer. Sara is a trophy buck. Her ass was hot, even the back of her head was hot. What? Chicks have to look hot from the back. When you've got my seats at the Mavs that's all people see anyway. Have fun watching the game in Row L, and don't try and say hi, they won't let you in my section.

So Tuesday, I decide to call her when I'm on the tollway driving out to Frisco to look at some building...Yeah, I know. There's been a lot of 469 in my life lately. I don't like it either. I don't care if you have 28 Mi Cocinas there, it's not Highland Park. But back to the tollway. That's how you drive in Dallas. 75 is for chicks. I put $1500 dollars on my toll tag a month. I have two of them. One's for the tolls, the other one get's rid of extra change.

So get this ****. Im almost to Beltline and Sara answers and I'm like "Hey, this is Cash McMogulson, you met me the other night." She's like " Cash, that was three weeks ago and can you hold on, I'm at work." And I'm like "Ok, work - like picking out tables & pictures & **** for your house? That's what my mom and sister do. They call it work too." And she says, "No, I work at a law firm. And so I was like "Cool, whose secretary are you?" And then my phone cut out! Must have been the signal. I was way too close to Frisco. It's happened a lot lately. I've got to get a Treo. You can't do good deals if your equipment's sloppy.

Well a few seconds later my Blackberry starts working again so I call her back and she doesn't answer and the voicemail says, this is the office of Sara Simpleton. I didnt know chicks had officesBut then I realized I'd called a girl twice in one day so I hung up.I dont leave messages. I'm not desperate. Especially not with a 469er.

I was about to just say **** it and play some golf with Davis at the Dallas National, until my phone rings and its Ashley St. Standard! Ashley's like a guaranteed deal, it might not pay much, but you don't have to do much work and you know you're getting paid every time. What! So I answer and I'm like wanna go to Tei Tei tonight - I'll pick you up at 8. She doesnt like Tei Tei, but so what! Its not like shes paying. Girls only eat salads anyway so who cares where you take them. And the good thing about her is that she doesnt really talk, so if I have to watch an away game or something Im not too distracted.

So I go to pick her up at those Post apartments on McKinney. That's where girls live. It's like sorority row but with rent. Not that any of the girls who live their actually pay it. So Im waiting and I'm sitting there emailing Turner and Jefferson. They were going to TABC. I've always got back up plans. I rarely use them. Five minutes go by and I look up and Ashleys just standing outside next to some other black Tahoe waiting for someone to open the door! I mean ****! It was an '04! Not even the same body style. And the license plate didnt even say CASH 3. Finally it hit me. I deserve better. Im too smart for her. Im Vice President of McMogulson Real Estate. My dad says Ive got the best hair and the best deals of anyone my age in Dallas. Shes like Addison --- you dont want to deal with her unless I have to. So I drove off

Whatever. Ill call her. **** its only been two days and its nothing a purse cant fix. That Sara girl was so much hotter and not such a huge idiot. I wonder what she does at that law firm. Gotta go. Davis is here. Ill let you know what happens at the W --- there's no way you're getting in.

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The Life and Times of Cash McMogulson

Chapter 4

Cashs Cougar Safari

Copyright 2006 Katherine Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited.

Its Cash McMogulson III. Ive hunted more cougars, worn more blazers and done more deals in the past two months than you will in your entire ******* life. Im up at the office with our new idiot associate on a conference call for some medium-sized deal. Im not listening, I had to cause dads pissed. Hes still president. For now. You can add medium-sized deals to the list of things I dont do; its up there with fat chicks, big carrots and 972s. Oh and Ashley St. Standard. I never called her back.

Whereve I been? Wait, you didnt see me last weekend? Thats probably cause while you were at home not closing deals and watching some chick movie with that girl youre going to marry cause she told you she wont sleep with you until youre engaged and shes gained five pounds a year since you met and we all know where thats going but she knows how you like your eggs and b.j.s, I was at the W hotel on a big game cougar safari with my buddies Jefferson Davis and Turner Parkerton. And you arent going to believe what happened to me. I mean NOT going to believe it.

Davis and Parkerton come to pick me up Davis just got the new Range Rover Sport. Hes always been cheap. Sports just another way to say you cant afford the real thing. What, you think I got out-card? **** you.

We valet and hop out of the car and its like I own the place. I mean I do own part of the place. I mean my dad just bought one of those places at the W for when his new girlfriend comes in town. So I kind of own it. Hes so great. 65 and he has thicker hair than me. Hes gonna have to buy mom another car when she finds out about this one.

So we walk in past the line. I dont wait in lines. Did you think your yellow Chevy Avalanche and cell phone belt clip were getting in before me? Wrong! And to make things more unfair, I was wearing pink shirt. Im unstoppable in pink. For when chicks cant see your Rolex, a pink shirt is like a big cougar-killing gun. My dad taught me that. So my buddies and I get in the elevator and go up to the Ghostbar with this one pack of cougs, but they were DNPs Do Not Pets. Not all cougs are do-able. Actually, one was a DNF. Do Not Feed. Ever been mauled by a chubby cougar? Me neither. It happened to Parkerton once after his fifth Loon drink. You know that alley behind the Loon? Nevermind, its a long story. Back to the night.

We thought wed kick of the night with a bottle of Ketel. We always get bottles.

No ****, as soon as the bottle hits the table I swear it sends a text to every Louis Vuitton purse in the bar and the kittens and cougs just come running.

Turner and I had almost finished our third drink and some shots and this one pretty smokin girl comes over and starts to hit on Jefferson. She probably hadnt gotten a good enough look at me. But then her friend walks up. Hot. Blonde. Young. Somewhere between kitten and cougar. And says the only words better than "Im not pregnant." And those words are:

"Im in town for the weekend."

So we start talking and Im like, "whats your name?" Youve got to ask girls questions like that so they think youre caring and interested. I was even going to ask her few more when get THIS ****. all of a sudden she says, "My name is Melissa. I like guys in pink. Im staying at my friends boyfriends place, want to go upstairs?" I hadnt even finished my drink! I swear to God. Dad was right. This place is awesome. I look around and Jeffersons already closing on his chick and Im a little buzzed. What! Youd do the same ****ing thing. NOT that it would ever happen to you. So were in the elevator going at it and shes already ripped three buttons off my shirt with her cougar claws. Then were back at her friends place. Im not going to go into details, but it was the best 21.4 minutes of her life.

I wake up the next morning with no buttons and ****ing terrible hangover. Melinda or whatever her name is passed out on the bed so I pull my jeans on and to the kitchen to get some water. And as if getting clawed by a hot cougar on half a bottle of vodka isnt cool enough, my luck just cant get any better cause the fridge has my favorite kind of Vitamin Water. Its all McMogulsons drink. We buy it by the case at the office. Then I realize theres also our favorite beer, and our favorite vodka and JESUS ---WHERE THE **** AM I and WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF MY DAD ON THE FREEZER!!!?!!!??!!!!! Holy **** this is my dads place!

I just hooked up with my Dads new girlfriend.

Turns out I didnt. But Jefferson did! They were both staying there at my dads place. The coug I hooked up with was her best friend! My dad is so pissed at us. Hes buying me a new Range Rover to keep my mouth shut. Im Cash McMogulson. I got the cougar and the Rover. Im not gonna lie, my life is awesome.

Gotta go. Theres a big deal on line 2, Im back on the call.

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All you need is a 3
carat ring. You can pretty much marry any chick you want for 3 carats.

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It's hard for guys like me and Parkerton and Davis to
hang out with guys who are always doing lame **** like going to church
and charity stuff.

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