A distant relative and close friend of mine recently went through a nasty divorce. Initially I did all the good friend stuff. Ive listened, ive given advice, I went to one of his hearings (children involved) Ive helped him move, we have invited him and the kids over.
I recently typed his ex-wife's name into the search bar of our texting history. 121 times her name has come up. Ive asked him before to stop talking about her. Ive gone as far as not responding to his texts that are about her. It almost feels like an obsession. He cant stop himself. To his defense, his ex wife and the ex mother inlaw have made up stories, contacted CPS, all in the name of wasting everyone's time. I can honestly say, his ex wife, and her family are c.r.a.z.y.

Im also starting to think he thrives in kaos and needs it. I miss the old days of just being able to have a conversation with him and it not turn into more of his BS divorce related stuff. He talks to a therapist but I swear hes in denial.

Tonight, I started a conversation with him about trucks and he ends up talking about her. Sending me yet another screen shot and alluding to more crap she's started and tue police are involved. I didnt respond.

Yes she has big cans, no I dont have pics.

Im frustrated. Ive had conversations with him over this and he knows its affecting our friendship

It's a process, for sure. Patience.

ToddyHill said:

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Im also starting to think he thrives in kaos and needs it.

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As crazy as this sounds, you are on to something. 20 plus years ago, my first marriage ended, and my life was a mess. Thankfully, I recognized my part in the breakup, and got a ton of counseling/therapy. Here's the weird thing...when life got calm and 'normal,' I had a really hard time adjusting to what was 'normal.'

It's a process.

Just my thoughts.

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His mother is kaotic and his childhood was too. His mother continues to bring kaos into his life just as his ex and her family do. I don't think he's ever experienced "normal"

The friendship just feels draining. I feel like hes in a whirlpool and cant get out. Between his therapist, me, and the others in his inner circle, nothing changes with him.

I miss the good ol days of just talking hobby related stuff

BrazosDog02 said:

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Either be his friend or don't.

If you're going to be his friend, let him vent. He's trying to get his life back together and divorce is traumatic as *****

He doesn't need your help. He needs your ear and advice when solicited.

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Ive been listening to basically the same old stuff for 1.5 years. The divorce went final a few months ago after she drug it out as long as she possibly could to try and avoid what she felt was inevitable (losing her kids)

Is there a limit to being a "good friend"

How much do hookers cost where you live?

Also this is how every Dateline NBC murder of a ex wife starts when the best friend of the husband kills the ex wife for him. Listened to one just like this yesterday on XM radio.

Ginormus Ag said:

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How much do hookers cost where you live?

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In his neck of the woods? A cheeseburger, 2 beers, and a hit of meth. Now, I don't know that for fact, but I've heard things.

The divorce was final just a few months ago? Sounds pretty fresh.

Regardless, if you've reached your limit then you've reached your limit. There's no right or wrong here. You have to take care of yourself too and if he's reached the limit of your grace extension then you have to say something.

"Hey man, I'm so glad that you're still seeing a therapist about stuff with her. It sounds like it's still taking up quite a bit of headspace for you and that you're dwelling and not letting yourself move forward. What does your therapist think about that?"

Or, "Hey man, I know that this has been a really difficult time for you and continues to be. I've done my best to be there for you and I hope it has made a difference. I really need a break from hearing about EXWIFE NAME. Do you think you can honor that for a while? I can let you know when I am ready to be a good listener on that topic for you again, if you still need it by then."

HarleySpoon said:

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deer corn said:

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Sorry to hear this, but for the love of God, it is chaos and chaotic.

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Quit konfusing me.

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***** you

Its censored but it was spelled with a Ph

713nervy said:

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The divorce was final just a few months ago? Sounds pretty fresh.

Regardless, if you've reached your limit then you've reached your limit. There's no right or wrong here. You have to take care of yourself too and if he's reached the limit of your grace extension then you have to say something.

"Hey man, I'm so glad that you're still seeing a therapist about stuff with her. It sounds like it's still taking up quite a bit of headspace for you and that you're dwelling and not letting yourself move forward. What does your therapist think about that?"

Or, "Hey man, I know that this has been a really difficult time for you and continues to be. I've done my best to be there for you and I hope it has made a difference. I really need a break from hearing about EXWIFE NAME. Do you think you can honor that for a while? I can let you know when I am ready to be a good listener on that topic for you again, if you still need it by then."

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I may just cut and paste this. Thanks

Slicer97 said:

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Ginormus Ag said:

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How much do hookers cost where you live?

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In his neck of the woods? A cheeseburger, 2 beers, and a hit of meth. Now, I don't know that for fact, but I've heard things.

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Hey now, don't disrespect these ladies around here. Im sure thats a double cheeseburger and not just a single meat

Scroll down until I see rule 1

I read something about "grey rock" technique where you just get super boring when he starts talking about her. You are psychologically reconditioning him to stop using you as the dopamine hit he gets when he vents to you. Eventually he'll start to associate bringing her up with uncomfortable silence and stop wanting to do it. So like just totally disengage and just say like the same phrase over and over like when you're bored on a phone call "yeah man. crazy." "uh huh yeah."

Slicer97 said:

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Sleep with her and let him know that you did so. He won't call you to whine about her anymore.

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This is really the only way. He either gets over it all and stops talking about her, or he stops talking to you. Win Win in my book. And, you get sex with a crazy one, which is the best. I would suggest getting a burner phone and a temporary apartment to do the ex wife banging. You don't need that crazy b following you around.

Tell him you only want to text about hobby stuff. Only respond to texts about hobby stuff.

If you do a search and her name is in the text, ignore that text.

You're setting a boundary. It is on him to respect it.

Backyard Gator said:

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Tell him you only want to text about hobby stuff. Only respond to texts about hobby stuff.

If you do a search and her name is in the text, ignore that text.

You're setting a boundary. It is on him to respect it.

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This. If you reiterate the boundary and he doesn't respect it, you have to stop responding / disengage. Boundaries are only boundaries if you're willing to enforce them.

Blonde Coffee Beans said:

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713nervy said:

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The divorce was final just a few months ago? Sounds pretty fresh.

Regardless, if you've reached your limit then you've reached your limit. There's no right or wrong here. You have to take care of yourself too and if he's reached the limit of your grace extension then you have to say something.

"Hey man, I'm so glad that you're still seeing a therapist about stuff with her. It sounds like it's still taking up quite a bit of headspace for you and that you're dwelling and not letting yourself move forward. What does your therapist think about that?"

Or, "Hey man, I know that this has been a really difficult time for you and continues to be. I've done my best to be there for you and I hope it has made a difference. I really need a break from hearing about EXWIFE NAME. Do you think you can honor that for a while? I can let you know when I am ready to be a good listener on that topic for you again, if you still need it by then."

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I may just cut and paste this. Thanks

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make sure you leave EXWIFE NAME in there just like that, tho. just for the kaos.