Two peanuts were walking down a street.

One was assaulted

two pickets to titsburgh

Two muffins are in an oven. One looks at the other and says, "sure is hot in here."
The other one says, "holy s***! A talking muffin!"

hit?

do you even joke, bro?

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing, because you've already told her twice!

What's the difference between you, and a mallard with a cold?

One is a sick duck...

I can't remember how it ends, but your mother is a hoar.

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

Most animals are in capable of operating an MRI scanner.....but catscan

Why'd the melons have a fancy wedding in a church?

Cause they cantaloupe!

Did you hear they arrested Ronald McDonald?

Yeah, they found him behind the Dairy Queen eating a Dude.

Two golfers were on the green where the pin placement was in a tough position. One golfer said "This is a Kardashian hole". The other golfer looked confused and said "What do you mean"?

The first golfer said "Because, ain't nothing white going in that hole".

Did you hear about the magical tractor....

It turned into a field

Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell?










Because he wanted to win the no bell prize!

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

[dude]

So, anyway ...

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says: "Are you ok? You look exhausted."

The man replies: "I haven't slept a wink in two weeks. But fortunately, I have an appointment at the veterinary clinic tomorrow morning."

The bartender: "A veterinary clinic?! Shouldn't you see a doctor instead?"

The man: "No ... It's my pet cricket. He has restless leg syndrome."

Why were all the football players sweating after the game?


Because all the fans left

quote:

---

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing, because you've already told her twice!

---

What do you call a woman with only one black eye?


A good listener!

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?










Because she was a woman.

What did the mexican say when the 2 houses fell on top of him?

Get off me homes!

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

Slap her

Guy walks into a bar and notices a hot blonde working the bar. She asks "What I get you?" On the menu, he sees "Beer $2. Ham and cheese sandwich $3. Hand job. $10."

He looks up and says "Are you the one performing the handys?"

She smiles and nods yes

He then replies "Well go and wash your dirty ass hands and make me a sandwich."

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a trash bag full of body parts?





I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

A pirate walks into a bar and says, "ARRR, lemme have a rum & coke!"

Bartender serves the drink with a peculiar look on his face and says, "I don't mean to pry... but do you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your crotch?"

The pirate downs his drink & slams the glass on the bar and say, "ARRR I know and it's driving me nuts!"

How did Helen Keller lose the hearing in her right ear?

Someone called and she answered a hot iron.

How did Helen Keller lose the hearing in her other ear?

They called back.

2 guys are out hunting pronghorn in the west Texas scrub, when one excuses himself to pinch a loaf. Halfway through, he yells out, "I got nothing to wipe with." His buddy yells back, do you have a dollar? Just use that."

10 minutes later, he comes out of the bushes covered with crap. His buddy says WTF, to which he replies, "You ever tried wiping with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler goes into a bar.

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?




Beef strokin' off.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapus.

Why are cowgirls bow legged?

Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

How do you know a Polish guy designed the lower half of a woman's body?


Who else would put the sh***er so close to the snack bar?

A homely woman walks into a bar with a duck on her head. Bartender says "We don't allow pigs in here." Woman says "It's not a pig, it's a duck." Bartender says "I was talking to the duck."

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband Dan had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dan must have experienced."Dan was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dan's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dan.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Dan is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Dan."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum"

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What's the problem?"

And the moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man?" He goes, "I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and uh, all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there."

And the podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?"

And the moth goes, "Yes." And he goes, "Uh, at night I...I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the...in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I... that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps...perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish faade once and for all."

He says, "Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good.

And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"

And then the moth said, "'Cause the light was on."