1) They won't shut up. They have to go on about spirit, and old army, and red
ass, and how bonfire represents the burning sensation they have in their urine
to beat UT, and blah blah blah. Shut up. You start to get the feeling the entire
school was built to spite UT.

2) Forget the fact that when the Texas Legislature back in the 1870's passed
legislation to start a state university they also decided to have a subsidiary
branch of the main school (University of Texas) that would teach agriculture and
mechanics. Aggies love to say their school is older, from where they get that I
don't now......the fact is, the State intended A&M to be a branch of UT. They
are like the afterbirth from the original creation. Like Danny Devito in
"Twins".

3) So they apparently have this complex, so much so, that they must devote their
entire school to trying to prove to UT that they are just as good. All the
while, nobody at UT denies that A&M is a good school, yet they won't shut up. So
they write a fight song......about?....Texas, and how they want to beat them.
They have a Fish Camp for freshman where they tell them how bad Texas is and how
good A&M and all its traditions are. It is the world's largest known case of
***** envy, and it is manifested in everything A&M does.

4) The people at A&M. Now we all have friends who went to A&M or are at A&M.
There are some nice people there. However...there is the Corp. East Texas'
answer to dreams of ROTC kids everywhere. For every boy scout who never
learned to stop playing with his GI Joe Toys, there is the Corp. Now, forget the
fact that A&M will actually let people with sub-par grades enroll if they agree
to join the Corp. Forget the fact that the Corps looked like a Gestapo hate
rally while beating down students on Kyle Field in 1995. Forget the fact that
along with the numerous hazing charges that have been filed against them, and
swept under the rug over the years, they just this past month have had one Corps
member bring charges against another Corps member who apparently had been
propositioning others for a little actual sodomy. Not only could I go on with
more instances of idiocracy by these
Khaki-clad-shaven-headed-dorks, I am sure each of you have your own stories.

The point is: We all respect West Point, Annapolis, The Air Force Academy;
however, nobody respects the Corp. I imagine they are kind of the laughing stock
of the military world. Just because you dress like the Army, and try and act
like the Army, does not make you the Army. People at A&M don't even respect
these clowns. It is not cool to shave your head and dress up. Halloween is only
supposed to be one day of the year. If you want to carry guns and beat up
civilians, move to Israel.

5) It is even less cool to slobber on somebody's daughter on national television
and call it a tradition. Dry humping 18 year old girls in the stands at football
games is not cool. Not only is it not cool, it should be against the law. I know
that in College Station, students are just prone to mount each other on the
campus lawn, or in the middle of class, or anytime anything good happens you can
just grab the girl sitting next to you and start sucking on her face. But
everywhere else in the world, it is looked down upon. Especially if you are
doing it on my TV. That is why we have moved the game from Thanksgiving. Because
people across the nation were gagging on their turkey when in the middle of
watching a football game, some boy scout is tongue thrashing some overweight
co-ed during somebody's Thanksgiving dinner. We do not need to see burly women
engaged in a suckfest every time your woeful offense manages to put points on
the board. Some of these girls are in desperate need of a trip to the Clinique
counter. Screw that, forget make-up, it is too late for that, just give them a
veil.

6) "t.u." is not funny. It is NOT insulting. It is dumb. Just imagine if folks
from Texas kept talking about M&A and giggling. That would not be funny. In
fact, it would be retarded. That's why UT fans don't do it. Please learn.

7) You want to lose the image of country bumpkins, of a people fond of sheep, of
people that aren't stupid? Then quit building things that fall down.Quit chasing
cheerleaders around with swords on national TV. Quit whooping in
church. Quit whooping period. Quit putting up scoreboards for the enjoyment of
dead mammals. Quit spending your Friday nights practicing how to yell. Quit
telling rape jokes to reporters when you're running for Governor. When
you are filling out season ticket renewals, and the form asks for your phone #,
H & W, quit putting 258-3999, Height 6'3", Weight 185. Just, collectively, stop
making asses of yourselves. Go to East Texas, tour every small town, and ask
every red neck with a 5th grade education why they cheer for A&M and wear
maroon. That is your fan base. This is why you are perceived by the educated
masses as stupid.

8) Nobody cares if you think your band is better. They might be louder, they
might march in neat little zig zags, but they have no musical ability. The point
is, nobody cares who wins halftime. Quit getting geeked up about marching bands.
I find it hard to believe you stood through your high school band's entire
halftime performance. And why? Cause nobody cared then and nobody cares now.
Plus, you can hear them fine sitting down even if you do care. Why is it cool
all of a sudden now that you're in college?

9) Men should never let out high pitched whooping sounds. Perhaps the only
justifiable situation in which this can be tolerated is perhaps during an anal
probe. Oh wait...I understand now.

10) Dogs are not ladies. They don't look or smell like ladies. Dogs eat their
own feces and should be treated accordingly.

11) Finally, College Station is an arm-pit of a town. Quit pretending that it is
a great college town. It is a town and there is a college there. That should be
the end of this comparison. If you feel that life doesn't get any better than
the Dixie Chicken, and enjoy being stuck in a never ending "Dukes of Hazard"
episode, then move there. More importantly, don't move to Austin.....they are
trying to create an educated, technological, and open minded population base.
Austin is, and will continue to be, the birthplace and final resting place of
all that is cool.

As my friend Stephen Johnson once said: "If the world were ever to get an enema,
College Station is where you would connect the hose." If you go to school at
A&M, please don't be an Aggie.