Hop's Deep Reflections: Hushing the Hogs, CFB chaos & more
Talk about a wild ride Saturday night.
To be honest, I was getting that Oklahoma 77-0 feeling after that second Arkansas touchdown in the first quarter. Sam Pittman and his Piggies came out ready to play and ready to shove the ball down our throats, and we didn’t have an answer on defense. In the meantime, the offense looked stale, predictable and tired. The offense slept walked through the first quarter without a first down, unable to get anything on the ground, and unable and unwilling to throw the ball downfield against a swiss cheese pass defense. And boy, were the Piggy faithful having a great time. They crawled out of the Ozarks and descended upon civilization to call the Hogs and do whatever it is Hillbillies do. But for the first hour of that game, they were having one helluva party in Jerry World at the expense of disheartened Aggie fans who made the trip.
But even though Devon Achane cracked a long run that eventually helped cut the lead to 14-7, it seemed business as usual for KJ Jefferson as he quickly re-established control and was poised at the A&M goal line to continue a nasty onslaught by this backwoods, country cousin bunch. Then, this little miracle happened ... You don’t mind if we watch it again, do you?
Man, even the red, blue and green play-signaling Mario Brothers trio was pumped as hell on the sidelines. By the way, let’s rewind that clip. I know the yell leaders have been under fire for a couple of weeks, but it’s great to see this scene. Pay attention to the upper-right-hand corner for the sprinting yell leader while Demani is running down the sideline. That’s priceless.
Oh, while we’re reliving this glorious moment, let’s take a look at the Piggy tears and stunned faces after that play.
From then on, it was game on, and the Aggies woke up and played competitive ball, jumping out to a 23-14 lead. Now, it wasn’t all pretty. As you know, the Aggies were in some serious trouble at the end of the game. But, it gave us glorious moment No. 2 in this edition of the “Why the hell are we playing this game in Jerry World?” neutral game series in Arlington. Let’s take a look.
Let’s adore that beautiful field goal attempt from another angle, shall we? I could watch that all day.
Oh, and let’s get the accompanying reaction from stunned Piggy.
And let’s do one more from the Piggy bench. Hey, I know people like to make fun of kickers (and I’m part of that crowd, as you’ll see when I start talking about Missouri), but I give the Piggy kicker credit for taking his miss like a man and going the stoic “Yeah, I cost us the game” look unlike the disgraceful whaling from BYU’s Jake “The Make” Oldroyd after his multiple misses last week against Baylor. But then they pan the sidelines and find Arkansas’ senior All-SEC offensive lineman balling like a kid who needs his bottle. Come on man, there’s no crying in the SEC.
And one more parting shot before I begin this ridiculous excuse of pseudo-journalism...
1) I mentioned this in my postgame thread, but a lot of you are asking about the three-man front and why D.J. Durkin utilizes it so much. I’ll let more competent guys like Stephen McGee break that down for you technically in the coming days, but ultimately, what I think is going on here is trying to get more speed and explosiveness on the field and blitz (both run and pass blitzes) with some quicker linebackers and defensive backs to combat the escapability of KJ Jefferson. He was gashing us pretty good on those first two to three drives of the game, and our staff decided to go five in the box with three DLs and two LBs... or three DLs, one LB and one DB in the box. When playing against a good running QB, I think you’ll see a lot more of that package going forward. Okay, that’s as much serious football talk as you’ll get from me in this piece. Let’s get back to more fluff, frivolity and poor man’s humor.
2) Speaking of explosiveness and playmaking at the linebacker spot, let’s give a shout-out to the much-maligned Chris Russell, who took some brutal shots from the message board world last week.
Time for y’all to apologize to the man. We see you, Chris!
Good to see some attitude and confidence for an out-of-state guy who has toiled in obscurity and decided to make the most of this opportunity. Stare it down, my man. Stare it down.
3) I ran across college referee Scott Campbell in the Thursday night West Virginia-Virginia Tech game. My first reaction is, “This guy seems to call every game I watch on TV.” Every time I turn on a college game, there he is in his tight referee shirt and his goggles.
I figure I’ll do a bit on him for this fine piece of literature.
It’s a world I never imagined existed, and I’m much worse of a person for knowing it now exists. Apparently, there is a cult following for a handful of referees that pride themselves on pumping iron and looking good for the ladies in their stripes.
A quick Google search left me stunned and numb. It is a culture, and it’s everywhere. Here’s a montage with two of the biggest buff celebrity referees that include the aforementioned Campbell and native Texan and former Big 12 ref Mike Defee.
Headlines such as “We’ll waste no time addressing Mike Defee’s Popeye-the-Sailor-style arms ...”, and “Muscles and Details Lead to Mike Defee’s Mastery” are posted all over the Internet. This was in Referee Magazine, for God’s sake. You’d think the referee community’s own industry journal wouldn’t marginalize its own people for the sake of a little swole humor.
In one similar article, the title was simply “Unnecessary Bruffness: The Story of a Referee’s Rise to Social Media Fame.”
And it doesn’t stop there.
SBNation ran a headline, “Meet Beef Ref: Jacked Football Ref Shares His Workout Secrets,” and it goes into his detailed daily workout and nutrition regimen. Oh, and in this article, he wants to clarify that being swole should not overshadow the fine work of other officials saying, “I did not want that (my guns) to overshadow the work of the crew in the game because the other guys do a really nice job (even though they are a bunch of girly men with no muscles).”*
* Of course, he didn’t say that last line, but that is a direct quote when asked if his yoked-ness affects his crew’s ability to do their actual job...you know, the job to officiate a game which seems to be lost in these swole-themed articles.
Unfortunately, there is a sad episode of bullying attached to such worship and admiration of all things buff and puffy in the referee world. Even before I unexpectedly dipped my toe into this bizarre world of fibrosity, I knew about the GOAT of all herculean referees. Yeah, he’s the man, the myth, the muscled...retired NFL official Ed Hochuli.
Ed is old-school. Not only was he the well-built, husky NFL official, but he is also famous for the “unsportsmanlike conduct for giving him the business” call years ago. He is the Elvis of the paparazzi that follows all things yoked. So when pappa Hochuli retired a couple of years ago and his son replaced his spot in the NFL, the Internet world exploded with rage and disdain when they found out Ed’s boy was just a mere enforcer of football rules with no aspirations to be a gun-pumping, shirt-busting arbiter of the field and rejecting the out-of-control posse of online groupies begging to follow his every twitch. To this day, he’s still bullied and treated like your average frail flag thrower and not the son of the Bloated GOAT. It’s just so sad ... OK, maybe not. But hey, I’ve got to write something for my paycheck.
Now that this schtick has concluded, I will no longer read another tweet about a referee in my lifetime. I just wasted about an hour of it today, and I feel a lesser man for it.
4) Now that I do this column again, I’ve got an eye on things that are fertile for a good laugh. I’m looking for maybe a good sideline celebration with props, but I’ve got to say I think we’ve seen the peak of this once treasured sideline activity. Either teams aren’t doing it as much, or ESPN is tired of giving airtime to such things. I mean, there’s only so much you can do that’s original. I saw a guy working a pimp cane last week. Trayveon Williams did it three years ago, and nobody could one-up his incredible dramatic interpretation with the pimp cane. It fell flat. West Virginia had a blinking miner’s hat celebration that wasn’t bad, but it included these buffoons.
I look for a fanbase doing something stupid, and that’s easy to find. Still, I don’t want to overdo it. Maybe a cheerleader acts up, or a mascot does something out of the ordinary. However, when a coach with the adrenaline pumping starts spouting off and making grand promises that his players certainly can’t keep, bells, whistles and flashing lights go off in my head. I know I have the potential for some incredible bits in the coming weeks, and that’s exactly what first-year Texas Tech head coach Joey McGuire gave me on Saturday after his big upset win over the ragged and lifeless Steve Sarkisian and the numb Longhorns. This will be comedic gold in the very near future. It’s coming to a Reflections piece near you in the coming days. Trust me.
Thank you, Coach McGuire!!!
Oh, you’ve made my weekend, sir. I will donate a little to your favorite charity for this gem you handed me on a silver platter. Somehow, I think that road is about to take a detour through Manhattan, Kansas, and Stillwater, Oklahoma, in the next two weeks. I’ll be waiting.
5) I’m out of the loop on all things Texas Tech and Lubbock other than I know it’s a hell hole. I was watching this Texas vs. Tech game, and they started showing a TV shot between quarters of the Tech student section doing what appears to be Sawing Varsity’s Horns Off.
I know I’m old as dirt and way out of the loop these days outside of anything not related to estimating my future Medicare benefits, but can someone explain to me what this is supposed to be because it looks a lot like they ripped us off on some sawing? I know they won’t claim it, so I’m sure they have a different spin on it ... is this tortilla-themed? Is this a rain dance? Is it a way to maximize the absorption of cheap alcohol in their systems? Maybe they think it’s a form of birth control. Hell, I don’t know, but it looks a lot like Sawing Varsity’s Horns Off, and they are playing the Longhorns. I wouldn’t put it past those goobers to poach the idea. Who knows?
6) Alright. I get it. Tennessee is back after all these years. It’s been a long, dry spell in Knoxville. They’ve had a pretty rough run of late under some very mediocre coaches. The list is quite long since Phil Fulmer departed in 2008. Remember these guys:
Lane Kiffin
Derek Dooley
Butch Jones
Jeremy Pruitt
Josh Heupel is now 9-6 lifetime at Rocky Top, and the Vols fans are going crazy after beating rival Florida on Saturday to move to 4-0. But in all of the excitement, Vol fans are now suiting out in the stands? Say it ain’t so.
Come on, who would do something like that at his age?
Yeah, I’ll come clean. That’s from the plane in 1995 going to the top-10 matchup with Colorado when the Buffs actually had a real football program. They may have the worst Power 5 team in the country. They’ve lost to Minnesota by 42, Air Force by 31 and a bad UCLA squad by 28 points. It can’t get any worse. Okay, I’m trying to divert from that last photo of my questionable past. But I feel if I’m going to rag on any and everything in college football, I have to own up to my past as well. I have graduated from helmet wearing, although I still have a strange fixation to Mr. Pibb...technically Pibb Xtra. But quickly back to the Vols, their schedule gets MUCH tougher going to Baton Rouge next weekend, followed by Alabama with Georgia and Kentucky on the horizon. Vol fans, I wouldn’t get too comfortable in that party helmet just yet.
7) You’ve got to feel bad for Missouri fans. I mean, it’s a grind if we’re being honest here. You are playing in a conference where you don't belong, and you are playing in a conference in which you can’t compete in any sport, much less football. And it’s a grind because your coach is the non-descript, bland and non-winning Eli Drinkwitz. Nothing personal here. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Actually, he looks like he’s too nice to be a head coach in the SEC. I mean, does this man scream attitude?
I will say, his most memorable trait is being the identical twin of golfer and past British Open winner Justin Leonard...the blandest golfer on the Champions Tour. Am I on to something here?
But I digress. The beaten-down and bummed-out Missouri fans did have hope this Saturday. They were playing an equally mediocre coach on a team with no quarterback and a limited ability to move the ball through the air...yes, Auburn. These two offensive juggernauts are fighting it out to a 14-14 stalemate late in the game when Missouri made their move and traveled deep into Auburn territory in the closing seconds with a chance to win. It’s a 26-yarder in the middle of the field. Surely, Missouri can handle that.
As I was watching, I input all of the relevant data into my proprietary kicker algorithm I developed and patented over the summer months. Here are the input fields for the Missouri kick in question:
Name: Harrison Mevis
Number: No. 92
Girth: Medium-heavy
Team: Missouri
Game on line: Yes
The computer spits back: 99 percent miss rate. My algorithm is never wrong. It was a nervous push to the right. We’re going to overtime in this battle for the bottom of the SEC East.
After Auburn kicks a quiet field goal in the first OT, Missouri gets the ball and immediately feeds Stanford RB transfer Nathaniel Peat who runs off-tackle, slips free and is running down the sidelines for a glorious game-winning touchdown for the Tigers. Then this happens...
I feel bad for the guy. It was a great run, and he did what every runner does when he reaches for the goal. Normally, I’d make some funny crack about the ineptitude of Missouri football, but they’ve been beaten down enough for one weekend. Also, they still have to wake up with Eli Drinkwitz as their head coach. That Vanderbilt game can’t get here soon enough for Tiger fans. I feel your pain.
8) We have way too many college preview shows on game day. You’ve got FOX’s “Big Noon Kickoff,” what used to be the standard of college football Saturdays ESPN’s “College GameDay” and then there’s the “SEC Nation” on the SEC Network. That’s just too much. We don’t need three hours of Rece, Desmond, Kirk, Pollack, Corso, the useless fat picker and the former WWF schmuck. We don’t need Joel Klatt and a bunch of bland former coaches giving us a couple of hours of predictable game analysis and bad bro humor. And now that I watched for the first time from beginning to end of “SEC Nation” at Jerry World previewing the A&M game, we certainly don’t need that.
With “SEC Nation,” it’s not about the on-air talent (with the exception of Finebaum and those country twits eating BBQ and doing very unfunny country boy skits throughout the show). Laura Rutledge is quality. I really don’t have an issue with Tim Tebow or Jordan Rogers. You know I love me some Roman Harper and his spiritual and debonaire looks.
My issue is all of the non-football skits and banter that I guess the producers believe viewers want to see. Hint: We don’t. If you can’t fill two hours of a show with football talk, then do one hour. I don’t give a rat’s ass about Tebow and Rogers going to get a pedicure. I really don’t.
I don’t want to see these unfunny clowns doing Hillbilly Headlines. Listen to this: It’s not funny. They don’t have the material to pull this off.
And in the most predictable skits of the show. You know they have to pull in some mechanical bull shenanigans since they are in Texas. Hey, producers of this show, this stuff isn’t funny, it isn’t entertaining and most importantly, it only discusses football about half the time. It’s a football show. We want football 100 percent of the time.
Again, it’s not about the talent. It’s the material. There’s not enough quality content for all of these networks to do two to three-hour pre-game shows. Give us an hour for each show and stick to football, please.
9) When I first started this article a couple of years ago, I got a kick out of the very first Twisted Hard Ice Tea commercial, and I pretty much hammered the product and the brand messaging of everybody having a big party at a tailgate. The “good times” premise seemed ridiculous to me. It’s not quite on par with the “young people having fun” Liberty Mutual ad I discussed last week, but it was along those same lines. Anyway, at the time, I laughed about the horrible product and ridiculous messaging of people getting wasted at a tailgate party on tea mixed with a couple of percentage points of alcohol. It still sounds stupid to me today. If you want to party, slam a brew or take a shot of liquor. It makes no sense to combine the filthy taste of tea (my opinion, obviously) with a trace of booze. That doesn’t scream party to me. Anyway, two years later, I guess Twisted Tea is still going strong, and they have a new commercial with even more intense partying, an all-terrain vehicle with huge mud tires, an inflatable water slide in the parking lot, and more shenanigans. Clearly, I missed the boat here.
But honestly, what really threw me off was last week when my wife went with a friend to the Alan Jackson concert and spent the night in Austin. As I’m loading her stuff in the car, she has a 12-pack of that damned hard tea. In disgust, I asked her, “Why?” She said, “You wouldn’t understand,” and be-bopped off to Austin with her party tea. Please, somebody, answer me this burning question: Why tea and booze together? Why?
10) I’ve been digesting the aftermath of this Tech-Texas game from Saturday. Trust me, I loved watching the Red Raider football team take down the mighty Sarkisians, and it’s another season of “woulda, shoulda, coulda...Nah, we suck” from Texas fans desperate to relive the glory days of 1960s and 1970s. They so much want to snap their grubby little fingers, squeeze their emotional support Shih Tzu and tap their ruby pink slippers and wish, “There’s no place like 1969. There’s no place like 1969. There’s no place like 1969.”
But that’s for another day and another rant. I’m actually going to throw you a curveball here.
After watching the disgusting display of Tech students run amuck on the field, I’ve got to say I’m almost sad that Texas lost. The post-game videos just reminded me how much I hate those tortilla twits. Look, Texas fans are arrogant as hell. They will twist arms and slide money under the table to make sure we get treated like a little brother. They are chumps — no doubt. But for the most part, they are harmless. Yeah, you’ll get a sneer or an arrogant smile passing by at a game. You may even get a sheep joke thrown your way. But I’ve never been physically assaulted or even threatened by a t-sip. That’s not the case with Red Raider fans...and particularly the students.
Should we all forget that episode in Lubbock 20 years ago when the Tech students rushed the field, pulled down the goalpost, and then carried it over and threw it into the Aggie section? Hell, the governor’s chief of staff Mike McKinney was bloodied from the incident. The Tech people laughed it off. Hey, it’s a big win over the hated Aggies, and they are just kids. People still make fun of the incident on Twitter.
This scene has been repeated several times after big wins in Lubbock. Of course, it happened on Saturday after the overtime win. In hypocritical fashion, some Tech clown posted this video and claimed it was the loser Texas football player running into this incident, pure-as-the-driven snow Tech girl. Guns up in the Twitter world. They have another cause for violence to avenge this grotesque act by a Texas player.
While Tech thugs rallied to the cause, the Red Raider girl actually came out and said the player was pushed into her, and he profusely apologized...you know, like civilized humans do. Take note, Tech clowns. The Plains mob quietly retreated, but then another video pops up... This time it’s another Tech student shoving a Texas player in the back.
Here’s another video of a mob of Tech goons on their way to work going after some Longhorn fans at the KFC.
Look, that’s not surprising to us oldtimers who’ve been to Lubbock. They are pond scum. You learn to deal with it, and in our case, we stopped going to that hell hole. But then Texas Tech University comes out with this gem of a statement just a few hours ago.
Those actions not representative of Red Raider values? Come on, folks. These ARE Red Raider values. They’ve been doing this crap for 20 years, and the Lubbock crowd laughs it off. Just face the facts. You have very dull, low-academic performing individuals that attend your school. You get the bottom 50 percent of students from the suburbs of Houston and Dallas, and then you accept mouth breathers from the rest of the state. You are losers. In my Blazing Saddles voiceover...”Values? You ain’t got no stinking values.” For anybody under the age of 30 that doesn’t understand that reference, go rent the movie and thank me later.
That’s it for another week. Once again, I’m sure I let you down, although the bar has dropped so low that you’ll actually find this piece slightly below mediocre. BTHO Leach!!!