I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant s**t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

I bought a world map for the wall so that I can begin marking all of my travel destinations with a push pin.

Unfortunately, I have realized that my first two trips must be to the far upper corners of the earth in order to begin my new hobby.

"People ask me why I got into comedy. I tell them because I was really good at holding ice cream cones."

"A dog is forever in the push-up position."

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said "**** that, I'll just make a copy."

Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize. C'mon man just let me have some. We'll make a compromise. You can guess how many I want. If you say a handful you are right.

is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something

I order a club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

My girlfriend's name is Lynn.
My old girlfriend is named Lyn, too, but she spells it L-Y-N.
Sometimes I **** up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say the nn long enough.

I imagine a fly was very close to being called a "land" because that's what it does half of the time.

"I'd like to talk to you about the differences between frogs and bears. When there's a frog around I don't have to hang my $#%@ing sandwiches from a branch; a frog knows they are for me and he would rather have a fly. A fly goes ziggy-zag, my sandwiches do not."

"If I want honey on my toast, I do not have to squeeze a plastic frog."

"I have found that a tent is a bad place to have an argument - if I get mad, what am I supposed to do, walk outside and slam the flap? Maybe I will just zip it up real fast and show that I am angry."

My apartment is infested with Koala bears.

It is the cutest infestation ever.

You know what keeps me from acting? F***ing...auditions.

Why is a commercial for an above-ground pool only 15 seconds long? Because that's exactly how much fun you can have in an above-ground pool.

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I think the Pringles company originally wanted to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber truck was supposed to arrive a truck full of potatoes showed up instead.

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But they were a laid back company, so they said 'f-it, cut em up!'

It doesn't take a Dr. to realize stepping on a cushion is more comfortable. I would have bought that from a Mr. Scholls. Possible a Senor Scholls.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they are saying here you throw this away

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Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.

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Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.

i met the girl who works at the doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. it's zero.

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Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.

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Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.

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Man, you really like Tide.

"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place - Mitch's Pizzeria... this week's coupon: Unlimited Free Pizza. Special Note: Coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday - Buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

I live in an apartment , which sucks because I like to play my music loud. My neighbor knocks on the wall when he thinks the volume is too loud.

I always yell back, "Go around, I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a knob on that side, but it is totally flat over here."