The Red Sox have been found to be cheaters. They have destroyed the sanctity of baseball with their heinous actions and smeared the integrity of a game that players like Shoeless Joe Jackson, Pete Rose, Billy Hatcher, Phil Niekro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds worked so hard to build.
Now they must be punished loudly and publicly, because nothing else is more important in the entire world.
Proposed punishments.
1. Giant scarlet C (for cheating) spray painted onto Green Monster.
2. Ted Williams severed head is thawed out and used in the next World Cup.
3. Carlton Fisk must admit that he was secretly waving his 1975 Game 6 home run foul because he bet a large sum of money on the Reds to win.
4. Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon must wear nothing but Yankee gear for the rest of their lives.
Now they must be punished loudly and publicly, because nothing else is more important in the entire world.
Proposed punishments.
1. Giant scarlet C (for cheating) spray painted onto Green Monster.
2. Ted Williams severed head is thawed out and used in the next World Cup.
3. Carlton Fisk must admit that he was secretly waving his 1975 Game 6 home run foul because he bet a large sum of money on the Reds to win.
4. Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon must wear nothing but Yankee gear for the rest of their lives.