I got a call on Tuesday from his mother and she informed me he passed away early that morning, they think it was a heart attack. He was my age (early 40s) and in what I thought was decent health, not overweight, exercised weekly. I only worked with him around 6 months but he was a good guy and the only person on my team that's my age. A number of people have reached out to me and it's clear he was well liked by everyone. He remarried earlier this year and leaves behind a couple of kids.
It's just shaken me a bit since there are a lot of similarities between us. My family will be ok financially if I was ever to pass unexpectedly thanks to life insurance and investments so that's not the part I think about.
I work hard and try to be financially conservative so that I can retire between when my kid graduates HS and college (54-58.). It's just makes me think what if I pass and I don't even get to enjoy the fruits of all the labor? Given the way I grew up and was taught I'll never be the type to try to find a job I enjoy. Part of me has had it engrained that a job shouldn't be enjoyable as a definition because it's a job, someone pays you for for an activity they don't want to do. I don't hate my job by any means but to me it's always felt that people who wake up and get paid to do what they love are unicorns and it's not attainable.
I don't really do anything for myself, I put everyone else before me. I've been doing that for so long I don't even know what I do want for myself. I've given up a lot to be a reliable husband and father at the expense of my sense of self. The short time I tried therapy this was a problem, I literally don't know how to do anything that's for me. That might sound weird but it's true. I think my self esteem has been nonexistent for so long that I'm incapable of knowing what I want or doing anything about it if I even did. Part of me thinks if I woke up one morning and had that epiphany everyone in my life would tell me to **** off and ask who the hell I think I am. What's been the point of what I've been doing the last 15-20 years if I lost whatever I was deep down?
Sorry for getting all existential but I'm in a weird place right now.
It's just shaken me a bit since there are a lot of similarities between us. My family will be ok financially if I was ever to pass unexpectedly thanks to life insurance and investments so that's not the part I think about.
I work hard and try to be financially conservative so that I can retire between when my kid graduates HS and college (54-58.). It's just makes me think what if I pass and I don't even get to enjoy the fruits of all the labor? Given the way I grew up and was taught I'll never be the type to try to find a job I enjoy. Part of me has had it engrained that a job shouldn't be enjoyable as a definition because it's a job, someone pays you for for an activity they don't want to do. I don't hate my job by any means but to me it's always felt that people who wake up and get paid to do what they love are unicorns and it's not attainable.
I don't really do anything for myself, I put everyone else before me. I've been doing that for so long I don't even know what I do want for myself. I've given up a lot to be a reliable husband and father at the expense of my sense of self. The short time I tried therapy this was a problem, I literally don't know how to do anything that's for me. That might sound weird but it's true. I think my self esteem has been nonexistent for so long that I'm incapable of knowing what I want or doing anything about it if I even did. Part of me thinks if I woke up one morning and had that epiphany everyone in my life would tell me to **** off and ask who the hell I think I am. What's been the point of what I've been doing the last 15-20 years if I lost whatever I was deep down?
Sorry for getting all existential but I'm in a weird place right now.