I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate since I felt the same way in my early 40s. Before I respond thoughtfully, I have one question. Do you drink on a regular basis?

Condolences.

Feel the same way in my late 40s. One thing that changed my daily habits was to get more honest and qualitative on my health. Sure I don't feel like I'm overweight, but my BMI says I'm obese and I can't use the athlete excuse for having a decent muscular frame (6' 225). I've had to get critical on myself. Part of that is learning what lab work results to focus on and studying all of that based on books and podcast learnings. Fortunately my blood work suggests I'm in better shape than I would have though… so now I'm focused on reducing BMI, increasing VO2MAX, eating more nutritional calories, and getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night.

So stretch goal now is to lose 50 lbs by age 50, which would get me into the normal BMI range - roughly 185 target. Seems impossible, but I got off to a good start after pegging low 240s last summer and just need to make daily good decisions.

Definitely understand and can relate to your experiences and reflections.

Between 2019 and 2020 I had two coworkers die of cancer. And myself in my mid-30's a cancer survivor as well. One coworker lived a regret free life and was very content in the circumstances, but I can't say the same about the other - yet they were working for the same company in the same office, living in the same town.


I might highly suggest this book for you, and really everyone. It's called Taking Stock: A Hospice Doctor's Advice on Financial Independence, Building Wealth, and Living a Regret-Free Life

The author, as a hospice doctor, has some amazing insight into life and life purpose.

sorry for the loss!

We'll said

Hoosegow said:

---

Just drink like the rest of us...

An old pastor used to always something along the line that there are two clocks. One is marking your time until you die. The other is marking God's time until He comes back. You never know when that is going to be.

Being a good husband, a good dad, a good roll-model, a responsible citizen... that IS what is important. Every day you should enjoy the fruits of your labor. You are healthy. Your family is healthy. I assume you are drowning in debt. Your relationships with those who are important are good (I assume). What better fruit can there be?

It is funny, i read not so long ago (but long enough to not remember the source), that people these days are conditioned to think they are always supposed to be having a great time by social media. Everywhere you look, somebody is doing something fantastic or cool. Your going to have your highs and lows, but most of life is smack dab in the middle.

You never know when you are going to breath your last. You can't worry about it. Learn to appreciate the small things. A sunset. The smile on your wife's face. The giggle of your kids laughing. Take a look at what you have and be truly thankful. All the other crap... doesn't matter.

Worse case scenario... just drink.

---

Some good words here.

Max - Very sorry to hear. You are not even remotely close to alone in how you feel. I am in the same boat, as is my brother. We took a trip over labor day together (the first "me time" I've had since 2019) and that was largely the topic of conversation. The proverbial mid-life crisis is a real thing, but I've also heard it passes. Dread and anxiety give way to gratitude and reflection. In the end, "we suffer more in our imaginations than in reality." You have to put in the paces to live and take care of your family, but don't neglect yourself either. Be thankful for the time we have. None of us are getting out alive.

Damn fine post right there.

Find your purpose in life and work towards it. Moving towards obtaining purposeful and meaningful goals is always the most fulfilling experience. You give your own existence meaning, and that creates satisfaction more than any indulgent temporal experience.

Be healthy, if not for yourself, than for others who benefit from your relationships.

Life is always unpredictable. I had a 30 year old co-worker pass on in an auto accident recently. It was totally random misfortune, and it does make you think the time we have is precious, and it should be treated that way.

Are you financially stable? How intense is that pressure? Yes but this year was VERY expensive as a family and income dipped a bit due to unforeseen circumstances at work but I'm not anticipating another down year at work.
2022 just happened to have some very odd circumstances for my workgroup. We will need to buy a car next year and I'm not looking forward to that. We save monthly and don't spend all we have, we are mostly fiscally conservative though we are surrounded by others who don't see life that way.

Do you have any outlets; hobbies, sports, activities? I lift weights most mornings before work since it's the only time of day I can make work.

How is your friend network? Pretty much nonexistent these days since I'm no longer in TX. I've chronicled those issues before in some mental health threads here and I am medicated for depression as well. I've just gotten to the point where I've had to accept that I just don't have friends anymore. I've been working from home since well before the pandemic began so all my work interactions are over Zoom because the company I work for doesn't seem to thinks it's necessary for people to see each other in person.

Religious involvement? None here, I'm agnostic and my wife is an atheist.

How is your partner? (This could be a huge impact if partner is controlling or other issues.) She's had health issues in the past that I don't know if we'll ever overcome per se because they're not within our control. Though I'm in good physical health as is she I always worry about her. Our daughters combative behavior is the biggest mutual stressor on us. We rarely have good or easy days as a family. My wife and daughter are all gas no brakes, neither seems capable of stopping a fight.

How much do you pay attention to social media, main stream media, etc.? Almost none. I'm on zero social media platforms and won't ever join one and I rarely pay attention to MSM because it's all partisan BS that lacks any real informative details and just hopes to trigger people on one end of the spectrum or the other. I do not understand why there's no true impartial news platform in existence for people that just want the facts and are capable of making their own decisions regarding the good and the bad.

I'm also taking it hard because one of my friends back home died this year, these two deaths in particular both just make me get introspective. You're right about that, the older you get the smarter you generally get because you understand more but at the same time it reinforces how dumb you used to be even if you thought you were smart. As a kid I thought I was smart, as an adult I know that I just wasn't dumb, and there's a difference. I've met truly smart people as an adult and I am certainly not as smart as I thought I was.

Luckily as an adult the results of Aggie sporting events don't impact my mental health anymore like they did as a younger person. Though we lost to App State it didn't do anything negative to me mentally.

Max, it certainly seems that you have a decent grip on the things that are within your control. While we would all like to have more friends, more activities, etc, the realities of life sometimes prevent this.

And is frequently prevented by the things that are OUT of your control. Not going to sugar coat it, you have your hands full with your family. And I have no expertise or quick advice to give you that is going to change it any time soon. From my experience as a step father, who married late in life to a fairly unique woman, I have learned that I am very different in a thousand ways from my wife and step kids. I guess I no longer subscribe to the 'opposites attract' saying....

You have to deal with what you have. I have learned that matching my wife's or kids' intensity/mood/behavior in a tough situation is pouring gasoline on a fire. I have learned to diffuse daily situations with calmness, questions, or occasionally humor. Sometimes taking the bull by the horns on issues that matter (staying calm)...or deflecting when the issue is senseless (yes, only using MY opinion as to what is important or not may sound a but callous, but sometimes a crazy situation requires a voice of reason and steady rudder). I am not always successful, yesterday had a blowout with the wife and I violated all my above advice.

I know this in a few minutes is not going to fix much of anything. You will likely feel you are spinning your wheels most of the time. But hopefully your solid introspection will assist you to always strive to be better. It starts within.

Accept what you cannot change...

PS: Dedicate 30 minutes to reading a good book, pick up the phone and call an old friend, vary your workout a bit,...just a few suggestions.

My father is 87 and worked hard to start his own business and give us everything we could have ever wanted and every opportunity there could be. What's funny though is a few months ago he told my wife and I to enjoy life more. Save money, sure. But use some to enjoy life as well. Travel, get out and experience things.

Op you have done a fantastic job working and being there for your family. But remember to start working in "you" time. It may save your life. Start working out. Start getting out more. Nothing huge. Just small things at first. Go on walks or train a couple of days a week. Take time to take in things you e missed or would like to do. Don't be afraid to miss work a small amount.and yes, having a dream job is possible. The fact that the "unicorn" exists proves it to be. Maybe someday you'll find that. Remember, it probably took most of these unicorns years of very hard work and sacrifice to see their dream come to fruition. It usually wasn't handed to them. Very sorry for your loss and prayers sent for him and his family.

Like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, say screw it, buy a 70s trans am, work at a burger joint and enjoy whats left of life.

Couple of things that stood out to me:

1. Friends - Humans are social creatures and we have to spend time with other people. You need male friends in your life to just hang out with with no agenda other than bull****ting around. In this day and age you're far from alone with male loneliness. My suggestions are to find a meet up group with some thing that you might interest, like a book club for science fiction, poker, watching Aggie football. Whatever. OK those were my personal interests but fill in the blanks for some thing you might like. Just being around other human males of your age group is so life-affirming and cathartic. It is not self indulgent to do things like this, it is a basic life functions that you need for your mental health and sanity.

2. Family life at home. If you can't have serenity in your own home, life is going to feel challenging. My first question to you is are you contributing to any of the chaos in anyway? You can only control yourself so if you're not setting a positive example of staying cool under pressure and meeting crazy with sane start there first. You have to feel good about your own actions at home, and you need to set the example for everyone else. After that if you're 90% doing well there, you and your wife need to get on the same page about how the approach to parenting your daughter does not work. It isn't normal to feel that stressed out at home, and it doesn't have to be that way. You need to make it a priority to figure out how to de-escalate the situation with your daughter. You might need some family counseling here to get to the root of things, but at minimum what you're doing is not working and The status quo is only going to continue making you frustrated. Definition of insanity and all that.

I am saying both of those two from experience. When I prioritized spending time with friends on a regular basis and put in the work on myself to change the way that I approach conflict from anger to cool (this took hours of meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy to notice my emotions and change unhelpful thought patterns at the root), my satisfaction with life improved dramatically.

Max, great start.

A physical group activity checks a lot of boxes...health, camaraderie with people your age, a good boost to mental and physical energy, something to look forward to...

Just keep the intensity to a moderate level. The last thing you need as a responsible adult is an injury. You will be angry at yourself (and your S.O. may remind you once in a while...) Some guys don't lose their youthful intensity on the field even if they are in their 30's or 40's. Stay clear of them, we don't bend and bounce as easily as we did in our teens. (Stretch and warm up too!!)

Good luck!

I almost put earlier, but if you haven't had a sports type physical in a while I'd see a doc too before you start strenuous cardio activity