Health & Fitness
Sponsored by

Bipolar 2 - looking for help

3,771 Views | 19 Replies | Last: 1 yr ago by TrueAggie2004
TrueAggie2004
How long do you want to ignore this user?
To begin, I'll say that I don't want this post to trigger or upset anyone, so if discussing/reading mental illness is difficult, please consider skipping over. I realize this is taboo and not talked about too much so I apologize in advance if I'm overstepping. At the same time, everyone always says if you need to talk, need help, to reach out.

I am looking for help.
The more practical the better. If there are physicians, counselors, therapists, etc. that can offer some suggestions or direction that might help. Other support is appreciated - anyone who may have experience and what's worked for them.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in 2009 and have struggled with it for ~12 years. I have been on and off different medications during that time (currently on since 2017). It took a while to accept, but I'm there. I take responsibility for it and whatever problems it causes.

Other things I do to mitigate effects or symptoms:
  • speak with a psychologist every 1-2 weeks
  • read/research online, from magazines, books, etc.
  • exercise no less than 2-3 days a week
  • journal and mood mapping
  • outdoor activities
  • a weekly support group

All these things take time, money, and/or effort.

For those that don't know there are different diagnosis in the bipolar realm. The best way to describe bipolar 2 is lower "highs" and lower "lows". For me, I'm very rarely manic and generally hypomanic, a much less severe version of mania. The lows are extremely difficult for me.

The illness seemed somewhat manageable at first, but still not easy; however, it feels degenerative as it's gotten worse as I've gotten older, particularly the last 3 years or so. I went through a divorce in 2018, and became a single dad to two kids through that. That has been a very hard transition. Obviously the divorce was very difficult. I lost a friend, a wife, and a big part of my support system.

This is affecting all parts of my life now - professionally (I am employed full-time), financially, socially, my relationship with my kids. All the stress of those things + managing the mental illness itself is a lot. I'm depressed most days, feel empty and life has really lost meaning for me. The only thing keeping me going is my kids and even that wanes sometimes. Depression not only affects my mood, but means low energy - difficult to make it to work, difficult to do chores at home, difficult to take care of my personal business/bills. It all seems pointless. Mornings are the hardest for some reason. I wake up feeling pretty sad and hopeless. Suicidal ideation has always been in my head since the very beginning. It's the reason I sought help at the beginning. I've never made an attempt but have thought about how I'd do it, where, who would find me, what I'd need to take care of ahead of time. I have the hotline numbers and I've called them in the past when things have really been bad. I actually admitted myself to the hospital once to be safe. I'd say suicidal ideation is pretty much a daily experience for me. On the days it's not, I feel incredibly blessed - those are great days for me.

Apologies for being all over the place. And I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for help and answers. I feel pretty desperate and I just want to fix it or improve things. I've accepted there's no "cure" but it's getting very hard to even have a normal or enjoyable life. I don't want to live like this forever.

Sorry again for the heavy topic. Like I said, just looking for help, suggestions, ideas.
NoahAg
How long do you want to ignore this user?
I'm sorry about what you're going through. I can't imagine, as I've never dealt with anything like you've described. But I can certainly pray for you and your kids.
Hoosegow
How long do you want to ignore this user?
Mom was diagnosed in 1994 when I was a senior at A&M and died fighting it, Alzheimers, and COPD in 2017. COPD did her in. While I do night have it, I took care of Mom as her primary care giver from the time Dad died in 2009. From my side, when she was going through some bad patches, it was hell for me as well. I had to check her in to a hospital multiple times. Deal with cops. Her disappearing etc. Here is what worked for her, when she was good.
- she had to stay on top of her medicine. We used every resource we could get our hands on to bounce information off of. Was she having a bad day, bad week or was he slipping into depression? Was she going manic or just having a good day.
- you mentioned a good psychologist. Mom's was the best. It was all private pay. Medicare sucks and medicare mental health care is down right criminal. The psychologist, Mom and I would get with her psychiatrist and we could get ahead of her episodes with her medicine. I 'd say once we got this down, Mom did pretty well and did not have severe swings for probably a good 5 year stretch (lots of work).
- you probably know this, but do NOT self medicate. Mom was also an alcoholic because she tried to stay on top of it using booze. This always sent her into a downward spiral.
-good, disciplined sleep patterns are a must. It is my understanding that uncontrolled mania with bouts of poor sleep increases your chances of getting Alzheimer's . When Mom was not getting the care she needed, she'd go weeks with 2-3 hours of sleep at night. Followed by sometimes going catatonic. Set your alarm, get up every day at the same time. Go to sleep every night at the same time.

Last two things
- when you are feeling low, force your self to exercise. The more, the better. Get that natural dopamine rush.
- lastly, stay on top of it. Mom loved the highs. Before the Alzheimer's diagnosis, she was so damn stubborn and refused to listen and get help. She was embarrassed and prideful. Once we got her good medical help we were able to manage her health. We refused to allow her around the grandkids, a lot because she could not manage herself and was a danger to them. She probably lost about 10 years of contact with them because we never knew what we would get.

Mental health sucks so bad. If you have a broken arm, everyone can tell. If you have a broken mind, people think, "Why can't he just be happy or be normal?" Just remember, the world is a better place with you in it. You kid's lives are better with you in it. Your bipolar is no different from any other illness. You have to learn how to manage it.
Max Power
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
You don't need to apologize for wanting to discuss mental health. I might not understand being bipolar, but I've been managing depression for a long time, though I've only been medicated for it about 6 years now. I'm on Bupropion which doesn't help me feel all the way better, but it does keep me out of the deepest holes I used to find myself in, it's manageable.

Before I went on the medication I talked to a therapist for a while, but the main thing I took away from it was that the things that were out of my control were also the things that had the biggest impact on my mood. Just kind of reinforced that helpless feeling a lot of people with depression get.

I still get down on occasion but really all I do is try to focus on the day to day, which is mainly perpetuated by the fact I have a daughter that needs me to be around. I do wonder if I didn't have her whether I'd still be around, she gives me a reason to keep going, regardless of how bad I might get.

The only thing I know for sure that can help me when I'm feeling down is to get out of the house and be occupied

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to stay in a good place mentally. Based on your description, you and I share a lot of things going on in our heads. I'm no physician, but there's a broad spectrum of drugs out there and they impact different people in different ways. Maybe there's something else out there that would better for you or I, but all I know is I'm able to manage right now so it scares me to try other things.

I definitely understand the feeling of how a child can feel like both a blessing and a hurdle at the same time. They definitely give you something to live for, but I also know the feelings they bring on that can aggravate the depression.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're having energy issues I can tell you one of the things that my doctor figured out when they did blood tests on me was that I have really low T. It was low enough that they did a CT scan to see if there was anything in my brain possibly impacting my hormone production. Luckily there wasn't, but as a result I've been on hormone injections to go along with my antidepressants. I can say honestly that the hormone injections along with my antidepressants have me in a better place than I was before I was on them both. I'm now at normal levels of T, I do my injections twice a week vs once because taking 2 smaller doses keeps me at a more constant level.

I feel like mental health issues are akin to alcoholism and addiction, I don't think they can be cured, only managed and you have to actively work at them daily to stay on the right path. I've had to distance myself from any long term goals, I can only focus on the day to day of life.

I get the self-harm thoughts as well on occasion, but I do everything I can to push them out. When I saw my doctor the first time to talk about this he said if I wanted to he could admit me to a facility but I told him I have too man responsibilities to do that. I tend to put myself last in my life, I put everyone else's needs in front of my own. I don't think my wife fully understands what it's like in my head, which I've told her she should be grateful for. She's been as understanding as she can, but every spouse has their limits. I do think if I had to go for in-patient treatment it might be a deal breaker for her. To her credit I do think one reason we're still together is she's talked to her friends and found out that the majority of men don't seek help for their problems so she knows it's actually pretty rare to be married to someone who both admits they have problems, but also works at them. I'm sorry you aren't married anymore, not having a partner can only make things more difficult for you.

Here's how I manage:
-Take my medicine, every day, never miss a dose.
-Exercise every day that I can, first thing in the morning, get off to a good start. I'm up before 5:00 every day.
-I rarely drink any alcohol.
-Try to get regular sleep, I used to take sleeping pills but I've been able to ween myself off them this year.
-Try to stay away from junk food and sugar.
-Try to stay in the company of people, spend as little time alone as possible.
-Keep myself occupied, especially if there's anything that gets me out of the house.
-Focus on why I keep going, my daughter, I can't let her down.
-Be a part of my family, not just present, but an active participant.
-Try to stop worrying about anything I specifically can't control.
-Stop watching the news, there's basically nothing good out there.
-Try to be thankful for anything that's good in my life and keep from focusing on the bad.

I've heard some people say that setting long term goals can help, that doesn't work for me, nothing long term seems attainable, just the way my brain works. But perhaps there's something that might help you.

I've heard that micro-dosing of hallucinogens has yielded very good results for people struggling with mental health, everything from depression to PTSD. Not sure what kind of doctor you would need to try that out.

This might sound silly but I watched a TED talk from Matthew McCounghey once and he said the most important thing to getting to a better place wasn't figuring out all the things you needed to add to your life, but eliminating the negative, and there's a lot of truth there. Ridding yourself of negative people, influences, activities, etc can pay dividends.

My heart goes out to you, feeling like you're your own worst enemy is an awful feeling. And I'll probably struggle with it for the rest of my life. Don't give up the fight.
Ghost of Andrew Eaton
How long do you want to ignore this user?
I don't pity you but I will say that coming on here and sharing that is pretty brave. Yes, I know that it's an anonymous board but still, I imagine you've had similar conversations in "real" life. There is nothing I can share with you that meets your needs but just know that people you don't know can care about you. I hope the best for you.

I apologize if that comes across hollow but I've seen people struggle with all types of mental health issues and my heart goes out to you/them. Life can be very hard and I can't imagine having something that makes it harder that you have little control over or caused for yourself.
Guitarsoup
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I don't have anything helpful to add, but thank you for sharing and I hope that others have better advice. I know that can be a difficult road, so you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sharing struggles and asking for help takes a lot more bravery than most have.
aglaohfour
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I'm not sure how useful anything I have to say will be, but your title caught my eye and I really commend you for opening up about this! I sincerely wish people would talk about mental health with the same degree of comfort they'd discuss any other chronic illness or injury.

I will say this, you are doing a LOT to keep yourself healthy and you should feel good about that. It's a struggle, I'm sure it's exhausting. But to the people who love and depend on you it makes all the difference in the world, I promise you that. My FIL has been diagnosed bi-polar for 9 years now, and we would give anything for him to do even half of what you're doing.

You mentioned seeing a psychologist, is it possible that whatever "style" of therapy you're doing isn't the right fit for you? There are so many variations of talk therapy available now, maybe it's time to branch out and see if you can find a better fit. Same thing with meds. If it's been a while since you had new prescriptions, revisiting those may be in order? Depending on so many factors, you could be having hormonal changes that have made your prescriptions less effective. I also believe that there has been some evidence that gut health impacts bi-polar symptoms. If you're interested in that, a nutritionist may be a good investment.

Again, I'm so impressed that you reached out about this. I hope that you're able to find what you need to be healthy, happy (you truly deserve happiness!) and present for the ones who love you most.
JR2007
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Much respect for coming here and being so open. I pray you find help you need.

Look into the ketogenic diet for mood stabilization in bipolar disease. You'll mainly find case reports and handful of websites, but probably more anecdotal evidence on podcasts/videos.
administrative errors
How long do you want to ignore this user?
TrueAggie2004 said:

To begin, I'll say that I don't want this post to trigger or upset anyone, so if discussing/reading mental illness is difficult, please consider skipping over. I realize this is taboo and not talked about too much so I apologize in advance if I'm overstepping. At the same time, everyone always says if you need to talk, need help, to reach out.

I am looking for help.
The more practical the better. If there are physicians, counselors, therapists, etc. that can offer some suggestions or direction that might help. Other support is appreciated - anyone who may have experience and what's worked for them.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in 2009 and have struggled with it for ~12 years. I have been on and off different medications during that time (currently on since 2017). It took a while to accept, but I'm there. I take responsibility for it and whatever problems it causes.

Other things I do to mitigate effects or symptoms:
  • speak with a psychologist every 1-2 weeks
  • read/research online, from magazines, books, etc.
  • exercise no less than 2-3 days a week
  • journal and mood mapping
  • outdoor activities
  • a weekly support group

All these things take time, money, and/or effort.

For those that don't know there are different diagnosis in the bipolar realm. The best way to describe bipolar 2 is lower "highs" and lower "lows". For me, I'm very rarely manic and generally hypomanic, a much less severe version of mania. The lows are extremely difficult for me.

The illness seemed somewhat manageable at first, but still not easy; however, it feels degenerative as it's gotten worse as I've gotten older, particularly the last 3 years or so. I went through a divorce in 2018, and became a single dad to two kids through that. That has been a very hard transition. Obviously the divorce was very difficult. I lost a friend, a wife, and a big part of my support system.

This is affecting all parts of my life now - professionally (I am employed full-time), financially, socially, my relationship with my kids. All the stress of those things + managing the mental illness itself is a lot. I'm depressed most days, feel empty and life has really lost meaning for me. The only thing keeping me going is my kids and even that wanes sometimes. Depression not only affects my mood, but means low energy - difficult to make it to work, difficult to do chores at home, difficult to take care of my personal business/bills. It all seems pointless. Mornings are the hardest for some reason. I wake up feeling pretty sad and hopeless. Suicidal ideation has always been in my head since the very beginning. It's the reason I sought help at the beginning. I've never made an attempt but have thought about how I'd do it, where, who would find me, what I'd need to take care of ahead of time. I have the hotline numbers and I've called them in the past when things have really been bad. I actually admitted myself to the hospital once to be safe. I'd say suicidal ideation is pretty much a daily experience for me. On the days it's not, I feel incredibly blessed - those are great days for me.

Apologies for being all over the place. And I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for help and answers. I feel pretty desperate and I just want to fix it or improve things. I've accepted there's no "cure" but it's getting very hard to even have a normal or enjoyable life. I don't want to live like this forever.

Sorry again for the heavy topic. Like I said, just looking for help, suggestions, ideas.
I gifted a friend some mushroom capsules and he hasn't had any mood swings since beginning microdose regiment. His gf [suffering from migraines regularly before the same regiment] was lauding the effectiveness when I checked in.

I'm more than happy to send you the same capsules with regiment, but you gotta keep me up to date, in return I won't charge you a dime.

Cryptohemp at gmail


Edit: literally came to the board today specifically to talk about bipolar and mushrooms today. Kismet

Edit2: we are experimenting with isolating psilocybin/psilocin to be used in different products [inhaled vs ingested, among others] and I'm so excited about these results just with mushroom caps [plus proprietary blend].... I'm REALLY excited about DMT experimenting coming soon. Dmt has shown some great promise due to the short time it bonds to the serotinergic system... bla bla. Fun **** this path is leading me down.
txags92
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Kudos to you for opening up and talking about it. I experienced (at somewhat of a distance) a member of my in-law's family who was bipolar and schizophrenic. The best advice I can give you is to always always always stay on your meds. Identify a couple or a few people who you absolutely trust to always give you good advice and who know you well, and then trust them absolutely. When you don't agree with them, consider whether they are wrong or your perception of yourself is skewed. Her problem was that she would come off her meds when she felt good, then would distrust anybody who tried to get her back on her meds, she would crash, get hospitalized, stabilize on her meds, and then start the cycle over. I know the schizophrenia played a big role with her issues, but you have to have people you trust when it comes to whether your meds are working or not because you are not always going to be the best judge of whether you need them. Most of all, don't be afraid to go to those people you trust and ask for help when you need it. Talking here is great, but never be afraid to ask the people closest to you when you need it.
jdubd34
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Guitarsoup said:

I don't have anything helpful to add, but thank you for sharing and I hope that others have better advice. I know that can be a difficult road, so you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sharing struggles and asking for help takes a lot more bravery than most have.


Well said
aggiebrad94
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
In researching recovery strategies for my kid, I stumbled upon red light therapy. It listed depression and mood as conditions that it can help with.

https://redlighttherapyhome.com/blogs/news/red-light-therapy-for-anxiety-and-depression

I've also learned - the older i get - that the more we share our struggles and fears, the more support and love we get in return.
JBLHAG03
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
You are very brave for posting. I deal with similar emotions from divorce and only really getting to see my kids about 25% of their life. Very hard. Biggest help for me is lifting weights/exercise every day I dont have my kids. Gives me something to focus on and look forward to results.
Diyala Nick
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
OP,

Nothing to add, but thank you for sharing. The stigma associated with mental health must stop, and it takes people with first hand experience and courage to lead that fight.

Hats off to you.
Geriatric Punk
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Good to see you back, bud.
Life's an endless party, not a pushcart.
lb3
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
TA2004,

I see it's been a month since you've last posted. Hope you're doing ok.

I dated a girl who was diagnosed BP-I. For her the biggest issue was accepting that mania was not her normal state. You may not have the same mania but you've accepted your illness so you've done the hardest part.

When she was in a long period manic phase she was superwoman and was the top of her field at age 26 and was getting invites to the white house etc. But when she was depressed I was on constant suicide watch. Obviously, that mania isn't the reality for someone with BP-II so I'm not sure my specific experiences with her would be of much help.

But some general comments are that not everyone responds to specific medications the same way. You know this as you've been on multiple medications over the years, but if one is losing its effectiveness stay on top of it and ask your psychiatrist about changing your dose or trying something different. My ex had to change medications several times.

She also suffered short term mood cycles. She would have short term highs at work and come home and be tired and I only ever got to experience the daily lows which made our relationship difficult at times. Luckily for me she saw how much her illness was wearing me down and broke up with me.

But to that point on daily cycles, the recommendations of having a daily routine involving sleep and exercise are important. It's not just the dopamines but the aerobic capacity that can help avoid the tiredness that can initiate short term depressive cycles that build into those full blown depressions.

As for suicidal ideation, it takes a lot of courage to admit that. My ex almost never talked about it but it was always there lurking when she was depressed. I can't relate directly because my mind never goes there but you might want to explore mindfulness training with your counselor. If you've had thoughts like these all your life, you've been reinforcing those neural pathways and training yourself to interrupt these thoughts can, over a period of months and years, reprogram these pathways.

I also take some lessons from our pets. We have a dog that is a bit neurotic and extremely defiant but like most pets, she lives in the moment and doesn't fret about the past or future. I'm genuinely jealous at how excited and happy she can be about the simplest things in life. I'm not sure if you're religious but for some people, placing their faith and trust in a higher power, can help alleviate the constant stresses and worries about the future.

Good luck, and hope to see you back on the forums.
TrueAggie2004
How long do you want to ignore this user?
OP here.

I wanted to check in with y'all with an update and try to respond to some of your replies. I've been reading the replies and suggestions since my post, but have had other things going on and wanted to collect my thoughts and respond when I could focus.

First, I wanted to say I really appreciate the support and encouragement. It has really mattered to me. I never considered myself brave. I really don't talk about this a lot, but desperation can be a powerful motivator I guess. Many of you are correct, this is difficult even if there's some anonymity behind the internet.

I am interested in learning more about the red light therapy, so I'm going to look into that. The micro dosing of mushrooms/psychedelics(?) intrigues me as well, but I know nothing about it and just don't want a bad reaction to my medication. But I'm not ruling it out.

Some bad news...
I lost my job last week due to absenteeism. They basically terminated me, but gave me the option to resign in return for a favorable reference/recommendation. Even in my discussion with my boss he said I was a high performer and great when I was there, I just was missing too much, and my position could not sustain that (I was in a management position). I had a good job - white collar professional with a degree and other credentials. I know many of you might be thinking, how could you allow that to happen, and I don't really have a good answer except that when you wake up and start your day with persistent low mood, low energy, and suicidal ideation, it's pretty difficult to get to start your day, complete tasks or even get to work. Things felt pretty pointless. Depression can be pretty crappy. It wore me down after a year or so and it became increasingly difficult to overcome.

The day of the job loss (10/20) I basically went into full blown crisis and had some pretty strong suicidal thoughts. Basically ready to give up. I made a good decision and called family, we talked to my psychiatrist and we ultimately all agreed that it would be a good idea for me to check myself into the hospital. I was in a pretty bad place. I voluntarily admitted myself to a local hospital that has a psych ward. It's probably about like what you imagine, but not as "crazy" as sensationalized in TV and movies. The first day or so I slept a lot. They reduced my Lamictal dosage, stopped my Tegretol, and started a new drug (Latuda). I also started a different anxiety med (Vistaril) and sleeping aid (Trazadone). Previously, I had been taking Xanax and Ambien for those and both of those drugs left me pretty groggy into the next day. Things started to get better within about 2 days. I would make a point to wake up, make my bed, shower, eat, etc. Sounds simple and silly, but I was struggling with that before so those were big milestones for me. I went to all the groups (therapy) and journaled and wrote some. I stayed in touch with immediate family each day, but hospital didn't allow visitation because of COVID. Since I was a voluntary admit, I could have requested discharge at anytime but I tried to respect the process, follow the recommendations or doctors/staff and make sure I was well. Hearing some of the other patients' struggles and circumstances helped me get some good perspective as well.

I was discharged 6 days later (10/26) and I've been staying with family right now while I recover. I'm maintaining my medication and therapy, and I'm going to an intensive outpatient program for the next 2-3 weeks. My attitude and energy is a lot better and I'm optimistic about the future.

Eventually, I'm going to have to find another job, but I'm focusing on developing better habits, learning strategies for positive thinking and coping, and generally just trying to make sure I'm okay before diving into a job search. Also, trying to decide if now is a good time for a career change or maybe something with a different schedule or less stress. Certainly don't want to get in somewhere only to fall into another bad pattern - want to avoid future employment or job issues. And I want to work. That's important to me.

Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I'm on a good road to recovery, looking back I can see how bad things were. I really needed help. It's clear to me now that the medication I was on wasn't working. I'm a little disappointed in my doctor/therapist that they weren't more proactive, but also wish I had been more of an advocate for myself. What probably should have happen, is I should have taken FMLA or an extended leave of absence from work and dealt with all this like I'm doing now. Also, had I been more transparent with some people they might have been able to point out that I needed to change something. But I was embarrassed, particularly with the job stuff. But that's all water under the bridge at this point. Just to need to chalk it up as a learning experience and move forward.

I'm lucky. I'm still alive. I made a good decision to live. And I'm grateful and fortunate that I have the support I do from family and friends. People have been remarkably good and patient with me and it's not lost on me that all of this is probably hard on them as well. I'm in a much better place, and despite all of this and being unemployed I'm actually looking forward to the future. I guess maybe I found rock bottom.

I don't normally air all my dirty laundry, but I'm choosing to do so, not for attention, but for awareness of how insidious and serious mental illness can be. I don't want other people struggling to feel alone and I want to help them through my experiences - maybe someone can avoid some of the problems I have had. Talking about this with my friends and family has been hard. I have a lot of shame about my illness and it's embarrassing at times.

Taking care of yourself mentally is just as important as taking care of yourself physically (and I've found they often work hand in hand). As, I once told someone, not everyone has a mental illness but everyone has mental health.
billyjack2009
How long do you want to ignore this user?
God be with you. You are LOVED.
administrative errors
How long do you want to ignore this user?
TrueAggie2004 said:

OP here.

I wanted to check in with y'all with an update and try to respond to some of your replies. I've been reading the replies and suggestions since my post, but have had other things going on and wanted to collect my thoughts and respond when I could focus.

First, I wanted to say I really appreciate the support and encouragement. It has really mattered to me. I never considered myself brave. I really don't talk about this a lot, but desperation can be a powerful motivator I guess. Many of you are correct, this is difficult even if there's some anonymity behind the internet.

I am interested in learning more about the red light therapy, so I'm going to look into that. The micro dosing of mushrooms/psychedelics(?) intrigues me as well, but I know nothing about it and just don't want a bad reaction to my medication. But I'm not ruling it out.

Some bad news...
I lost my job last week due to absenteeism. They basically terminated me, but gave me the option to resign in return for a favorable reference/recommendation. Even in my discussion with my boss he said I was a high performer and great when I was there, I just was missing too much, and my position could not sustain that (I was in a management position). I had a good job - white collar professional with a degree and other credentials. I know many of you might be thinking, how could you allow that to happen, and I don't really have a good answer except that when you wake up and start your day with persistent low mood, low energy, and suicidal ideation, it's pretty difficult to get to start your day, complete tasks or even get to work. Things felt pretty pointless. Depression can be pretty crappy. It wore me down after a year or so and it became increasingly difficult to overcome.

The day of the job loss (10/20) I basically went into full blown crisis and had some pretty strong suicidal thoughts. Basically ready to give up. I made a good decision and called family, we talked to my psychiatrist and we ultimately all agreed that it would be a good idea for me to check myself into the hospital. I was in a pretty bad place. I voluntarily admitted myself to a local hospital that has a psych ward. It's probably about like what you imagine, but not as "crazy" as sensationalized in TV and movies. The first day or so I slept a lot. They reduced my Lamictal dosage, stopped my Tegretol, and started a new drug (Latuda). I also started a different anxiety med (Vistaril) and sleeping aid (Trazadone). Previously, I had been taking Xanax and Ambien for those and both of those drugs left me pretty groggy into the next day. Things started to get better within about 2 days. I would make a point to wake up, make my bed, shower, eat, etc. Sounds simple and silly, but I was struggling with that before so those were big milestones for me. I went to all the groups (therapy) and journaled and wrote some. I stayed in touch with immediate family each day, but hospital didn't allow visitation because of COVID. Since I was a voluntary admit, I could have requested discharge at anytime but I tried to respect the process, follow the recommendations or doctors/staff and make sure I was well. Hearing some of the other patients' struggles and circumstances helped me get some good perspective as well.

I was discharged 6 days later (10/26) and I've been staying with family right now while I recover. I'm maintaining my medication and therapy, and I'm going to an intensive outpatient program for the next 2-3 weeks. My attitude and energy is a lot better and I'm optimistic about the future.

Eventually, I'm going to have to find another job, but I'm focusing on developing better habits, learning strategies for positive thinking and coping, and generally just trying to make sure I'm okay before diving into a job search. Also, trying to decide if now is a good time for a career change or maybe something with a different schedule or less stress. Certainly don't want to get in somewhere only to fall into another bad pattern - want to avoid future employment or job issues. And I want to work. That's important to me.

Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I'm on a good road to recovery, looking back I can see how bad things were. I really needed help. It's clear to me now that the medication I was on wasn't working. I'm a little disappointed in my doctor/therapist that they weren't more proactive, but also wish I had been more of an advocate for myself. What probably should have happen, is I should have taken FMLA or an extended leave of absence from work and dealt with all this like I'm doing now. Also, had I been more transparent with some people they might have been able to point out that I needed to change something. But I was embarrassed, particularly with the job stuff. But that's all water under the bridge at this point. Just to need to chalk it up as a learning experience and move forward.

I'm lucky. I'm still alive. I made a good decision to live. And I'm grateful and fortunate that I have the support I do from family and friends. People have been remarkably good and patient with me and it's not lost on me that all of this is probably hard on them as well. I'm in a much better place, and despite all of this and being unemployed I'm actually looking forward to the future. I guess maybe I found rock bottom.

I don't normally air all my dirty laundry, but I'm choosing to do so, not for attention, but for awareness of how insidious and serious mental illness can be. I don't want other people struggling to feel alone and I want to help them through my experiences - maybe someone can avoid some of the problems I have had. Talking about this with my friends and family has been hard. I have a lot of shame about my illness and it's embarrassing at times.

Taking care of yourself mentally is just as important as taking care of yourself physically (and I've found they often work hand in hand). As, I once told someone, not everyone has a mental illness but everyone has mental health.

I appreciate you, thanks for sharing the journey.

My email is open for you anytime whether to shoot the **** or if you want to discuss research/best practices re:psychedelics/etc. Cryptohemp at gmail 100% agree if you've got a working system no need to muck it up.

Glad to hear you sought and found the assistance, guidance and support you needed short term, and glad to hear you planning on long term.
TrueAggie2004
How long do you want to ignore this user?
OP hear with an update.

It's been almost 18 months since my hospital stay and a lot has happened.

I found work with a friend where I could work as a self-employed consultant and that helped me transition. I could make my own hours but also had to hold myself accountable because I needed to work in order to have an income. It was good for a while but I eventually needed something with benefits. Once my COBRA ran out the marketplace insurance I got was terrible. High deductibles and they didn't cover my Latuda, which without insurance was over $1,500 for a 30-day supply. I've managed to stay in it by getting samples from my psychiatrist.

My ex-wife found out about my hospital stay, and in April of 2022 sued me for child support and a modification of our child custody agreement. I had not been paying child support. When we divorced we agreed to split time with the kids pretty close to 50/50 and also agreed to splitting expenses for the children 50/50. I was in court for 6-7 months, lost the case, and spent close to $30,000 in attorney fees. I had always had open lines of communication with my ex, so she could have talked to me if she had legitimate concerns about me or the children. Instead I think this was entirely about money. I was furious about this, the court system, and everything but I've put that anger behind me as it doesn't change anything and only hurts myself. I do hate her though.

Despite an absolutely horrible year, I stayed out of depression and continued to take good care of myself. Earlier this year I accepted a new job with benefits. I found a new therapist that specializes in DBT and that has been really helpful.

I love my kids, I'm enjoying my job, it's easier to wake up and get through the day. Dare I say, I'm happy and content as I move through the week. It's a true relief. I still have some problems and challenges and I still have to focus on taking care of myself, but it doesn't feel insurmountable.

Thank you to you all for hearing my journey and for your supportive posts. Even though we don't know one another personally, some of your words brought me comfort during a really difficult time.

To anyone else that may share in struggling with mental illness, keep fighting and don't give up!
Refresh
Page 1 of 1
 
×
subscribe Verify your student status
See Subscription Benefits
Trial only available to users who have never subscribed or participated in a previous trial.