My wife and I promised to always be honest with each other when it comes to fitness and how we look naked.

Well, I need to tell her that she's getting a little squishy (need to think of an other term) and has no tone. I do get annoyed because we have a fully stocked home gym and a 46" TV to do her videos if she wants and she has worked out twice in 1.5 years. I know I don't look as good as I did when we meet 9 years ago, but I lift 4 days a week and do bjj 3-5 (just started back up). She's turning 36 soon, I'm 38, and I'm worried it'll get worse. I know at 38 I have to keep the momentum going because it's hard to start from scratch later in life.

I do find her attractive still, but at times I'm like ummm.. Women do have it easier because they can look good with "curves" compared to guys, but it just boils downs to I want her to try. We do have 2 year old, but she doesn't work and could easily knock out a workout during her nap 3 times a week. Or, she could get up early (at times gets up near 9 with my daughter) while I get up at either 4 or 430 AM to get the w/o in before work.

So obviously I'm annoyed, how do I best approach this?

Good luck with the divorce.

Start with a post divulging personal information about your marriage on the internet. Whatever you do, don't have a personal and human conversation with your wife. But if you do have that conversation, cite some things you read from strangers on the internet. Proceed with zero caution from there.

/s

Let her have it. Just be prepared when she tells you you're lacking in one particular area yourself.....

Speaking as a woman...there is nothing you can say that will "help" or "encourage" her. Anything you say will be interpreted as criticism (as it should be). I'll explain why.

You said you have a 2 year old...I cannot stress just how much pregnancy changes a woman's body. There are certain things, that no matter what you do, will NEVER go back to the way they were pre-pregnancy. On top of that, the media is constantly pushing images at women that they should be back to their "pre-baby body" within weeks, like pregnancy and childbirth is just NBD. This gives women AND men a false sense of what post-pregnancy bodies look like.

I don't really know what you mean by "squishy", but if you are any way, shape, or form referring to her abdomen, you need to keep your mouth shut. Pregnancy can cause permanent damage to the abdominal area that cannot be corrected no matter how many sit-ups and crunches you do. In addition to stretched out/extra skin, pregnancy can also cause separation of the abdominal wall (called diastasis recti). Mine was so bad that it caused terrible back pain and I finally (after 15 years of suffering) had it surgically corrected.

If she breast fed, her boobs are going to be squishy and saggy. Even if she didn't, they may still be squishy and saggy, depending on how much pregnancy made them grow.

Couple that with her age, which you said is 36...I'm 41, and the past 5 years or so have been rough. Your body changes A LOT. I had my kid when I was 26, and I feel like my body has changed as much in the last 5 years as it did when I was pregnant. So, she's feeling all of that at the same time.

Not to mention, this is the age where we get more wrinkles and gray hair and cellulite. In short, aging sucks, and I personally think it's harder for women.

Now, I'm also a firm believer that people (men and women) should take care of themselves as they age. I'll admit, I ~would~ have a hard time if my spouse gained 50 lbs. But, it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Either she will start exercising or she won't. For me personally, I had to gain about 15 lbs and get to the point where I felt like crap most days before I was motivated to start exercising. I started with running, which meant I lost weight, but I was not toned. It took another few years before I started doing anything to build muscle tone and strength. And even with all that I do (I exercise for at least an hour pretty much every single day, doing a mixture of cardio and weights), I still have "squishy and saggy" parts. That's just my genetics (I have never had an athletic body).

Bottom line, though, is it has to be HER choice. And she has to find some form of exercise that she REALLY enjoys. Just because you have equipment at home doesn't mean that's what she wants or needs to stay motivated to exercise.

I can pretty much guarantee that you telling her that you're "annoyed" because she's "squishy" will not go well. At all. And, frankly, that's a pretty insensitive and selfish way to describe her body.

Well, if she was in better shape a year after pregnancy than she is now, did she do anything specific to get there? Was she working out? Because I was at one of my lowest weights that year after I had my son, but it was from breastfeeding and being so busy that sometimes I forgot to eat. I may have looked better because I weighed less, but I definitely wasn't toned. I'm definitely more toned (and stronger) now, but I weigh more.

If the answer to my question above is yes, than you ~might~ want to approach the situation not by criticizing her appearance, but by asking her why she stopped exercising.

As you have noted, we all do better when we have a routine. The past couple of years, I've gotten into a specific kind of exercise (Pure Barre) that is 1) expensive and 2) requires that I make a reservation for class. I'm motivated to go because it costs so much, and once I schedule a class, I pretty much NEVER cancel it.

Different people are motivated by different things, but given that she's not working, she could be dealing with depression or some self-worth/identity issues. If so, you focusing on her appearance is only going to make that worse.

Regardless, have a conversation about what motivates her, what she's passionate about, and what goals she hopes to accomplish over the next few years. Just because she stays home doesn't mean she wants her entire identity tied up in being a wife and mother. Making this about her physical appearance is ignoring the root cause and will backfire on you.

Edited to add: Whatever she is doing on her phone isn't helping the situation, either. Social media drags down people with even the best mental health. Comparison is the thief of joy.

TXTransplant said:

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Speaking as a woman...there is nothing you can say that will "help" or "encourage" her. Anything you say will be interpreted as criticism (as it should be). I'll explain why.

You said you have a 2 year old...I cannot stress just how much pregnancy changes a woman's body. There are certain things, that no matter what you do, will NEVER go back to the way they were pre-pregnancy. On top of that, the media is constantly pushing images at women that they should be back to their "pre-baby body" within weeks, like pregnancy and childbirth is just NBD. This gives women AND men a false sense of what post-pregnancy bodies look like.

I don't really know what you mean by "squishy", but if you are any way, shape, or form referring to her abdomen, you need to keep your mouth shut. Pregnancy can cause permanent damage to the abdominal area that cannot be corrected no matter how many sit-ups and crunches you do. In addition to stretched out/extra skin, pregnancy can also cause separation of the abdominal wall (called diastasis recti). Mine was so bad that it caused terrible back pain and I finally (after 15 years of suffering) had it surgically corrected.

If she breast fed, her boobs are going to be squishy and saggy. Even if she didn't, they may still be squishy and saggy, depending on how much pregnancy made them grow.

Couple that with her age, which you said is 36...I'm 41, and the past 5 years or so have been rough. Your body changes A LOT. I had my kid when I was 26, and I feel like my body has changed as much in the last 5 years as it did when I was pregnant. So, she's feeling all of that at the same time.

Not to mention, this is the age where we get more wrinkles and gray hair and cellulite. In short, aging sucks, and I personally think it's harder for women.

Now, I'm also a firm believer that people (men and women) should take care of themselves as they age. I'll admit, I ~would~ have a hard time if my spouse gained 50 lbs. But, it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Either she will start exercising or she won't. For me personally, I had to gain about 15 lbs and get to the point where I felt like crap most days before I was motivated to start exercising. I started with running, which meant I lost weight, but I was not toned. It took another few years before I started doing anything to build muscle tone and strength. And even with all that I do (I exercise for at least an hour pretty much every single day, doing a mixture of cardio and weights), I still have "squishy and saggy" parts. That's just my genetics (I have never had an athletic body).

Bottom line, though, is it has to be HER choice. And she has to find some form of exercise that she REALLY enjoys. Just because you have equipment at home doesn't mean that's what she wants or needs to stay motivated to exercise.

I can pretty much guarantee that you telling her that you're "annoyed" because she's "squishy" will not go well. At all. And, frankly, that's a pretty insensitive and selfish way to describe her body.

---

dont listen to any of this. Women do the exact same thing when it comes to men being in shape(mostly talk **** to their gf how fat you are) and when a man suddenly can't make enough money. Being in shape is about will and and want she doesn't start now she never will.

For the record, in my entire adult life, I have NEVER had a female friend trash talk her husband/BF to me because he gained weight and/or didn't make enough money.

First of all, I would shut that kind of talk down because it's obnoxious and not the appropriate way to deal with marital problems. Second of all, my friends aren't superficial jerks. And I'm assuming the OP's wife isn't, either.

But, I understand that some people do behave that way. If that's the kind of relationship you have, then yeah, ignore everything I've said.

But, if you have a mature, respectful, loving relationship with your wife and want to keep it that way, then every point I've made is valid.

newhowdyag2004 said:

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My wife and I promised to always be honest with each other when it comes to fitness and how we look naked.

Well, I need to tell her that she's getting a little squishy (need to think of an other term) and has no tone. I do get annoyed because we have a fully stocked home gym and a 46" TV to do her videos if she wants and she has worked out twice in 1.5 years. I know I don't look as good as I did when we meet 9 years ago, but I lift 4 days a week and do bjj 3-5 (just started back up). She's turning 36 soon, I'm 38, and I'm worried it'll get worse. I know at 38 I have to keep the momentum going because it's hard to start from scratch later in life.

I do find her attractive still, but at times I'm like ummm.. Women do have it easier because they can look good with "curves" compared to guys, but it just boils downs to I want her to try. We do have 2 year old, but she doesn't work and could easily knock out a workout during her nap 3 times a week. Or, she could get up early (at times gets up near 9 with my daughter) while I get up at either 4 or 430 AM to get the w/o in before work.

So obviously I'm annoyed, how do I best approach this?

---

Lawyer up and buy extra lotion. You're going to need it.

Good luck. You are going to need it. She has to want to do it for herself, not for you.

Is this for real? How insulting to your wife. An incentive? wow.

Mollie03 said:

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Is this for real? How insulting to your wife. An incentive? wow.

---

OMG...I didn't even see that second post until just now.

I'm with you - the financial incentive is just insulting and condescending. But maybe it works for some women...???

I've always worked and am employed in a high paying field where I earn more than enough to meet my wants and needs, so maybe I just can't relate to that kind of arrangement.

But if any man tried to "encourage" me to work out by offering me money or material things, he'd be kicked to the curb in an instant.

I don't think the op is mature enough to be married. Like I already said, good luck.

Man, you stay home with a two year old all day and see how your will to work out is affected...

After age 30, the average adult will gain between 0.6-1.7 lbs a year due to a loss in muscle mass and physical inactivity and metabolic slowdown.

To an extent, some weight gain is a natural product of aging, just like wrinkles and hair loss. If this bothers you, you probably shouldn't get married, or plan on upgrading to a newer model every few years.

If you love and respect your spouse and your marriage, the conversation should NEVER be about weight or appearance. Significant weight gain, particularly if it occurs over a shorter period of time, is usually the result of some underlying physical and/or mental health condition.

Why would you treat significant weight gain any differently than someone who develops a habit of drinking too much, or is severely depressed/has trouble getting out of bed, or who overexercises, doesn't eat, and loses an excessive amount of weight? None of those behaviors is healthy (or attractive or conducive to a healthy relationship), but they don't develop in a vacuum. They are a symptom of something else.

And what does the rest of the lifestyle as a family look like? Does the person who gained weight have a really long commute and/or stressful job? Does all the childcare and/or household responsibilities fall to them, to the point where they don't have time to exercise? Do both people support healthy eating habits, or does one person constantly want to eat out and/or consume excess amounts of unhealthy foods? Does the other spouse keep unhealthy/tempting foods in the house because he/she can eat them without gaining weight?

If your spouse had a drinking problem, you wouldn't keep alcohol in the house (I hope). The same should hold true if a spouse has control issues when it comes to unhealthy foods.

The OP doesn't say that his wife gained weight, only that she isn't "toned". However, just based on his posts, it sounds like he doesn't really approve of her "decision" to stay home (I say "decision" because he said she "literally begged"), and now that she does, he doesn't approve of how she's spending her time. In his mind, he's already decided that she ~should~ have the time, energy, and motivation to work out, and he hasn't really expressed any concern as to WHY she stopped exercising. And, he's convinced himself that she can be "motivated" to start exercising again by controlling how much money he gives her.

Sounds like the wife is at best overwhelmed (I never had to be reminded to shower when my son was a baby), or at the worst suffering from PPD and/ or questioning her decision the stay home and the effect that's having on her identity. Given their kid is only 2, she probably still doesn't feel like herself and thinks she doesn't have the strength to exercise the way she did pre-baby. Maybe there are other issues, too (financial problems or different expectations about what a marriage looks like after a baby comes). She is also probably very aware and self-conscious of the fact that her husband doesn't approve of the way she spends her time now that she's a SAHM.

Regardless, the "problem" that the OP has identified is a really symptom of something else.

Quote:

---

We do have 2 year old, but she doesn't work and could easily knock out a workout during her nap 3 times a week. Or, she could get up early (at times gets up near 9 with my daughter) while I get up at either 4 or 430 AM to get the w/o in before work.

---

We have a 22 month old. Wife went back to work today, but has been on furlough for the past 2 months. I work from home, so i saw how everything goes down during the day. Not sure if you are around during the day when your wife is taking care of the kid, but "easily knocking out workout during a nap" isn't as guaranteed as it sounds.

Honestly, the post about her staying up late, waking up late, not working, addicted to her phone, etc. makes it sound like there are deeper/more important issues to work through than her weight.

I would say that y'all need to have a conversation about her happiness, routine, and family life first. If the baby is attached to her, then you should try and take over more of the child rearing duties. You also mentioned cooking dinner more, which could be a help to her. I'd try and get your family on a better schedule first and then see what follows.

Buy a smart scale that tracks your weight.

Tell your wife you want to lose some weight & need an accountability partner... Ask her if she wants to do it with you. Set goals & reward (weekend trip together, something y'all need but have been putting off buying, etc.), hit goals, profit.

Don't overthink this.

Quinn said:

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Honestly, the post about her staying up late, waking up late, not working, addicted to her phone, etc. makes it sound like there are deeper/more important issues to work through than her weight.

I would say that y'all need to have a conversation about her happiness, routine, and family life first. If the baby is attached to her, then you should try and take over more of the child rearing duties. You also mentioned cooking dinner more, which could be a help to her. I'd try and get your family on a better schedule first and then see what follows.

---

This. It sounds like your wife is raising your daughter while you're primarily focused on gym time then work every day. It may work for some couples but it doesn't seem to be working for you two and you're missing the queues. There is no amount of incentive, no more gym/exercise equipment you can throw at her or schemes you can come up with that are going to get her to work out.
You are not a baby sitter so that she has time to do XYZ. Spending time with your daughter, helping with chores, cooking, etc can free up time and energy for her but it's not your place to dictate how she spends it.
Focus your energy on reconnecting with your daughter.

I only scanned the thread before. Now, after reading all the comments from the OP...this is either:

1) a troll
2) OP is not giving out all the information or is embellishing (see 1)

Perhaps she is suffering from depression?
I am being serious, and not trying to make any jokes about this. This may be a much more delicate situation than which you realize.

100% troll. Not sure why anyone would think this is funny at all - total waste of time and energy.

Careful, she might tell you to STFU and come back when you have run your 3:30 marathon and completed your 1000 lb quest.

https://texags.com/forums/48/topics/3008289/replies/53426191

There is no way this real. Pretty good troll.

FPS_Dough said:

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TXTransplant said:

---

Speaking as a woman...there is nothing you can say that will "help" or "encourage" her. Anything you say will be interpreted as criticism (as it should be). I'll explain why.

You said you have a 2 year old...I cannot stress just how much pregnancy changes a woman's body. There are certain things, that no matter what you do, will NEVER go back to the way they were pre-pregnancy. On top of that, the media is constantly pushing images at women that they should be back to their "pre-baby body" within weeks, like pregnancy and childbirth is just NBD. This gives women AND men a false sense of what post-pregnancy bodies look like.

I don't really know what you mean by "squishy", but if you are any way, shape, or form referring to her abdomen, you need to keep your mouth shut. Pregnancy can cause permanent damage to the abdominal area that cannot be corrected no matter how many sit-ups and crunches you do. In addition to stretched out/extra skin, pregnancy can also cause separation of the abdominal wall (called diastasis recti). Mine was so bad that it caused terrible back pain and I finally (after 15 years of suffering) had it surgically corrected.

If she breast fed, her boobs are going to be squishy and saggy. Even if she didn't, they may still be squishy and saggy, depending on how much pregnancy made them grow.

Couple that with her age, which you said is 36...I'm 41, and the past 5 years or so have been rough. Your body changes A LOT. I had my kid when I was 26, and I feel like my body has changed as much in the last 5 years as it did when I was pregnant. So, she's feeling all of that at the same time.

Not to mention, this is the age where we get more wrinkles and gray hair and cellulite. In short, aging sucks, and I personally think it's harder for women.

Now, I'm also a firm believer that people (men and women) should take care of themselves as they age. I'll admit, I ~would~ have a hard time if my spouse gained 50 lbs. But, it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Either she will start exercising or she won't. For me personally, I had to gain about 15 lbs and get to the point where I felt like crap most days before I was motivated to start exercising. I started with running, which meant I lost weight, but I was not toned. It took another few years before I started doing anything to build muscle tone and strength. And even with all that I do (I exercise for at least an hour pretty much every single day, doing a mixture of cardio and weights), I still have "squishy and saggy" parts. That's just my genetics (I have never had an athletic body).

Bottom line, though, is it has to be HER choice. And she has to find some form of exercise that she REALLY enjoys. Just because you have equipment at home doesn't mean that's what she wants or needs to stay motivated to exercise.

I can pretty much guarantee that you telling her that you're "annoyed" because she's "squishy" will not go well. At all. And, frankly, that's a pretty insensitive and selfish way to describe her body.

---

dont listen to any of this. Women do the exact same thing when it comes to men being in shape(mostly talk **** to their gf how fat you are) and when a man suddenly can't make enough money. Being in shape is about will and and want she doesn't start now she never will.

---

Tolerance of male squishiness is proportional to wallet size as it turns out.

Maybe you should shut down the stupid bakery business and spend time with your wife and kid when you get home from work. Quit baking cupcakes for people chasing a weight loss fantasy. I can't imagine a keeping a bunch of fat loaded pastries in your house is helping your situation.

Love your wife better.

I'll take, Topics I'm Not Touching, for a million dollars, Alex.