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Anyone ever "Super Commuted" for a job?

6,014 Views | 64 Replies | Last: 6 yr ago by IDaggie06
Flexbone
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I've been offered a great job with a company in Virginia, but my family and life are in Texas. The only thing holding me back is location. The company has agreed to kick in for one of my flights home on weekends (wife and 19 month old aren't coming at least for now) per month, and my plan is to fly out late Friday afternoons and return home late Sunday night every week. This is known as super commuting, living in one city for work but going home on weekends (I'd never really heard the term). Has anyone ever done this? Is the travel a beating? My wife is ok with it. The problem is I can tell the company really wants me to move there full time eventually, even though it has nothing to do with my Job - they just seem to think the travel would eventually cause me to look elsewhere. Honestly, a big part of the jobs appeal is that I can in fact transfer back home to the office in Texas eventually.

Anyone ever done this? Any advice? Is it awful or worth it?
JobSecurity
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Just my opinion but I can't see a scenario where a job would be so good that I could spend a couple thousand dollars a month on flights and only see my family for 8 days a month. And you'd be doing that for years? Maybe as a 6 month contract I could see it.
coastalAg
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I knew someone that did this and it ended his marriage. Figure out a way to relocate the family with you or dont do it would be my advice.
PrestigeWorldwideAg12
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My dad lives in San Antonio and flies to San Jose, Ca; Baltimore, Md, and Guadalajara, Mex every week for work and flies home for the weekends. It is doable.
ORAggieFan
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Don't do it longterm. My dad did it back in '88 for six months, then we moved with him.

If you can maybe get home Thursdays and work Fridays and one week a month from home. Even that would be tough with a little one.

I travel a lot, but not near this. It takes a toll on you.
stridulent
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What kind of work is it? So much can be done working remotely these days.
htxag09
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Just for the other side of the token, my boss does it and him and his wife are still happily married and no issues. Granted, his children are grown and now having kids of their own, so it's not like he's missing out on family things (as often) during the week. Also, he's been in outside sales traveling globally his whole life, so him and his wife are used to him being away for work.

Also, my company pays for his flights. Not sure I understand it, but I guess we wanted him bad enough. The other question would be hotels/apartments. Do you have to pay for a separate apartment or will your work put you in a hotel?
ATM9000
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I did this for about 9 months in 2014/2015. If you have young kids and a young family, it sucks and is generally unhealthy in my view. It will start wearing you down and you'll start skipping trips home and your wife will get pissed. I did not enjoy it. Thought about committing to doing it longer term but family opted to move up with me.

As an aside, I just don't think spending 5-8 hours a week in coach on an airplane is that healthy so consider that too.

I flew Houston to New York and my job was in Fairfield County. Make sure you take into account how far you are from the airport each direction when you account for time because that's just even less weekend each week.
Silky Johnston
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Guy I work with has done this most of his career. I think he is on wife #3.
deadbq03
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I did this for 3 months; fam was in DFW and me in Houston, so travel wasn't too bad... But even then, this was awful. My oldest, who was 3 at the time, took it very hard. Took 6 months of us being back together for him to get back to normal.
jtp01
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My neighbor does this from Amarillo to Atlanta. His deal is structured differently though.

He flies out Monday mornings and back Thursday night for 3 weeks. Then he works from his home office during the 4th week. They pay for ALL of his flights.

Think about things outside of the work. Who is going to fix the sink, who is going to mow your lawn, will you ever go on a vacation, traveling that much may reduce your desire to go somewhere. Many times I've had to help his kids pen loose cattle, help his son with some projects for school that required shop time. I don't mind helping them at all, they are GREAT NEIGHBORS, can you say the same for yours?

It's a different situation as I only travel extensively during the fall and early winter. After that I'm in my home office and have the flexibility to travel how I want.
AgResearch
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You're not going to get to transfer back to the Texas office....that will be the carrott they use to get you there.

Don't do it.
ATM9000
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jtp01 said:

My neighbor does this from Amarillo to Atlanta. His deal is structured differently though.

He flies out Monday mornings and back Thursday night for 3 weeks. Then he works from his home office during the 4th week. They pay for ALL of his flights.

Think about things outside of the work. Who is going to fix the sink, who is going to mow your lawn, will you ever go on a vacation, traveling that much may reduce your desire to go somewhere. Many times I've had to help his kids pen loose cattle, help his son with some projects for school that required shop time. I don't mind helping them at all, they are GREAT NEIGHBORS, can you say the same for yours?

It's a different situation as I only travel extensively during the fall and early winter. After that I'm in my home office and have the flexibility to travel how I want.

When I was super-commuting, there was another guy who was doing the same from Chicago on an arrangement similar to this at the same time...and had I chosen to do that longer term, that's what my agreement would have looked like. For what it's worth, he ended his agreement and moved his family here too and said that even doing that loosened arrangement, it is ridiculously hard on a young family.
cjo03
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This is pretty much what most big consulting firms do. Except travel out Monday morning and come back Thursday evening. Whenever it stretched Sun-Thurs or Mon-Fri it was tough. Consecutive Sun-Fri were borderline unbearable. And they cover all costs every week. All food, rental car, hotel, flight, unexpected incidentals. Etc. I did it for 7 years before kids. A lot of people do it but I don't recommend it.

How big of a raise are you looking at? If they are expecting you to cover any of the travel costs at all it better be huge.
HollywoodBQ
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foleyt said:

Just my opinion but I can't see a scenario where a job would be so good that I could spend a couple thousand dollars a month on flights and only see my family for 8 days a month. And you'd be doing that for years? Maybe as a 6 month contract I could see it.
When I did this between LA (work) and Denver (home) for 8 months, my salary increase was about $3,000/mo.
And compared to being out of work in Denver, it was more than an $11,000/mo increase
$30,000 Millionaire
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I've never "super commuted" but I have spent 200 nights annually at hotels and flown 150K - 300K annually for many years. It is very difficult to have any semblance of a work life balance or any real relationships. It takes a toll and it is very bad for your health.

It is comically stupid to view this sort of situation as only a 2 year thing or temporary. The people you work with don't give a flying fack about your family situation and if you don't have a 2 year return negotiated in writing, it's unlikely to happen. As soon as you get there, you're there and that's that. In fact, it may be to your detriment to spend a week at home each month depending on your office culture.

Other people have pointed this out already, and they're correct: you've made your mind up regardless. I am sure it's a great opportunity. Is it really worth it, though? You and your wife will drift apart and you won't know your children. You'll be lucky not to get a divorce and you'll just be a FaceTime Dad. There is no such thing as quality time over quantity of time. The quality moments are spontaneous, not scheduled. You won't be there for your family when they need you: child gets sick, car breaks down, wife needs to invest some time at work for a deadline.

Good luck to you.
$30,000 Millionaire
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Uncle D probably made it as easy as they could have. It still sucks though. I'm sure you're great at PowerPoint!
cjo03
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$30,000 Millionaire said:

Uncle D probably made it as easy as they could have. It still sucks though. I'm sure you're great at PowerPoint!


better than average!
$30,000 Millionaire
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Since you're not thinking clearly, let's think through what your life is going to be like:

It's a 3+ hour flight from IAH or DFW to IAD. You'll need to leave home at least 2 hours before your flight, and you're going to lose an hour. So let's say your flight is at 7 pm central time, you're going to need to leave the house by 5 pm and you'll need to start getting ready to leave by 4. That means that whatever your family is doing has to have you at home by 4 to pack, etc. let's say the flight takes off on time, you're going to land at 11:30 pm or so. Then you've got to make your way to your car or take uber/cab. By the time you make it off the plane and get where you're going to go, it's 12:30 AM minimum. Does work start at 8? Haha.

Fast forward to Friday, you've got a big meeting and you book the 8pm flight, you're going to land around 10:30, you're in the door around 11:30 if you're lucky. Do you know how much it sucks to fly anywhere on a Friday evening or get to the airport? The traffic sucks and delays have compounded by the end of the day. De icing is a thing part of the year. Boy does that suck!

It's Saturday morning, you haven't been there all week so wake the f up and take care of the kids. Your list of honey dos is long, so you had better get on it. You've got your kids soccer game or whatever, you all go out to eat, and the day flows by. It's Saturday evening, and you've got a tough choice, do you do something as a family and put your son to bed since you're never there or do you hire a sitter for 1:1 time with your wife and not hang out with your son? By the way, you've got some laundry to do! Let's say you have a low key Saturday night at home with the family. The nights over and you know you're going to have a long day tomorrow, so you want to go to bed early. Your wife refuses to sleep with you because she hasn't seen you all week, you get pissed off, and you fall asleep in your anger. You are the primary bread winner, after all, she should cut you some slack, right? She only had to run the house like a single mom entirely by herself for the week.

Sunday rolls around and you're up early as well, trying to have some "quality time"'with the kids. You hustle breakfast together, go run some errands, and if you're a church goer, you go do that. It's mid afternoon, and you've got to be home in three hours to pack. You can't go see a movie, it would be unfair to your family to see your buddies, so your friendships slip, and your wife gets mad at you again because you can't take your kid to a class mates birthday party so she can have some time to herself.

Imagine a scenario like this 48-50 weeks a year. Sounds like hell to me. If you were smart, you'd fly Monday morning and back Thursday. It's a lot more sustainable. So what if you get to work at noon on Monday and work from home on Friday. If the company you're working for doesn't value your sanity and ability to have a complete life, you are making a grave mistake.

Again, good luck to you.
Canyon99
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Had a similar arrangement for 4 months waiting for my wife and kids to finish the school year and move down with me. It sucked. There's not enough money in the world to even consider that arrangement again.
98Ag99Grad
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$30,000 Millionaire said:

Since you're not thinking clearly, let's think through what your life is going to be like:

It's a 3+ hour flight from IAH or DFW to IAD. You'll need to leave home at least 2 hours before your flight, and you're going to lose an hour. So let's say your flight is at 7 pm central time, you're going to need to leave the house by 5 pm and you'll need to start getting ready to leave by 4. That means that whatever your family is doing has to have you at home by 4 to pack, etc. let's say the flight takes off on time, you're going to land at 11:30 pm or so. Then you've got to make your way to your car or take uber/cab. By the time you make it off the plane and get where you're going to go, it's 12:30 AM minimum. Does work start at 8? Haha.

Fast forward to Friday, you've got a big meeting and you book the 8pm flight, you're going to land around 10:30, you're in the door around 11:30 if you're lucky. Do you know how much it sucks to fly anywhere on a Friday evening or get to the airport? The traffic sucks and delays have compounded by the end of the day. De icing is a thing part of the year. Boy does that suck!

It's Saturday morning, you haven't been there all week so wake the f up and take care of the kids. Your list of honey dos is long, so you had better get on it. You've got your kids soccer game or whatever, you all go out to eat, and the day flows by. It's Saturday evening, and you've got a tough choice, do you do something as a family and put your son to bed since you're never there or do you hire a sitter for 1:1 time with your wife and not hang out with your son? By the way, you've got some laundry to do! Let's say you have a low key Saturday night at home with the family. The nights over and you know you're going to have a long day tomorrow, so you want to go to bed early. Your wife refuses to sleep with you because she hasn't seen you all week, you get pissed off, and you fall asleep in your anger. You are the primary bread winner, after all, she should cut you some slack, right? She only had to run the house like a single mom entirely by herself for the week.

Sunday rolls around and you're up early as well, trying to have some "quality time"'with the kids. You hustle breakfast together, go run some errands, and if you're a church goer, you go do that. It's mid afternoon, and you've got to be home in three hours to pack. You can't go see a movie, it would be unfair to your family to see your buddies, so your friendships slip, and your wife gets mad at you again because you can't take your kid to a class mates birthday party so she can have some time to herself.

Imagine a scenario like this 48-50 weeks a year. Sounds like hell to me. If you were smart, you'd fly Monday morning and back Thursday. It's a lot more sustainable. So what if you get to work at noon on Monday and work from home on Friday. If the company you're working for doesn't value your sanity and ability to have a complete life, you are making a grave mistake.

Again, good luck to you.


This sounds like a fking nightmare.
IrishTxAggie
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This scenario is sort of what I grew up with and what I did for about 3.5 years. Dad was a global tech manager and his job was basically 100% travel. Think he was gone 45wks/year. Home on weekends though. I was a sales manager that covered the US. Leave Monday morning, home Friday evening and was gone for ~45wks/yr as well. My parents were used to it because my dad was already doing it when he met my mom. I on the other hand struggled personally and it cost me more than one relationship and lost touch with a lot of friends because of it too. It's a different lifestyle. Your wife may say it's fine right now, but a day may come where having small children at home by herself is too much. If there is family nearby, that tends to help tremendously. Some SOs may hold a certain bit of animosity about it because they feel they're at home holding down the fort while you're out having fun while you're gone. It can take a toll. Really think about this type of scenario. It's not as easy as it sounds.
BeastmodeAg
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98Ag99Grad said:

$30,000 Millionaire said:

Since you're not thinking clearly, let's think through what your life is going to be like:

It's a 3+ hour flight from IAH or DFW to IAD. You'll need to leave home at least 2 hours before your flight, and you're going to lose an hour. So let's say your flight is at 7 pm central time, you're going to need to leave the house by 5 pm and you'll need to start getting ready to leave by 4. That means that whatever your family is doing has to have you at home by 4 to pack, etc. let's say the flight takes off on time, you're going to land at 11:30 pm or so. Then you've got to make your way to your car or take uber/cab. By the time you make it off the plane and get where you're going to go, it's 12:30 AM minimum. Does work start at 8? Haha.

Fast forward to Friday, you've got a big meeting and you book the 8pm flight, you're going to land around 10:30, you're in the door around 11:30 if you're lucky. Do you know how much it sucks to fly anywhere on a Friday evening or get to the airport? The traffic sucks and delays have compounded by the end of the day. De icing is a thing part of the year. Boy does that suck!

It's Saturday morning, you haven't been there all week so wake the f up and take care of the kids. Your list of honey dos is long, so you had better get on it. You've got your kids soccer game or whatever, you all go out to eat, and the day flows by. It's Saturday evening, and you've got a tough choice, do you do something as a family and put your son to bed since you're never there or do you hire a sitter for 1:1 time with your wife and not hang out with your son? By the way, you've got some laundry to do! Let's say you have a low key Saturday night at home with the family. The nights over and you know you're going to have a long day tomorrow, so you want to go to bed early. Your wife refuses to sleep with you because she hasn't seen you all week, you get pissed off, and you fall asleep in your anger. You are the primary bread winner, after all, she should cut you some slack, right? She only had to run the house like a single mom entirely by herself for the week.

Sunday rolls around and you're up early as well, trying to have some "quality time"'with the kids. You hustle breakfast together, go run some errands, and if you're a church goer, you go do that. It's mid afternoon, and you've got to be home in three hours to pack. You can't go see a movie, it would be unfair to your family to see your buddies, so your friendships slip, and your wife gets mad at you again because you can't take your kid to a class mates birthday party so she can have some time to herself.

Imagine a scenario like this 48-50 weeks a year. Sounds like hell to me. If you were smart, you'd fly Monday morning and back Thursday. It's a lot more sustainable. So what if you get to work at noon on Monday and work from home on Friday. If the company you're working for doesn't value your sanity and ability to have a complete life, you are making a grave mistake.

Again, good luck to you.


This sounds like a fking nightmare.


A nightmare is a understatement, they'd have to open a blank check possibly for me...
GrayMatter
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I don't think there's enough money in the world for me to consider such a thing. Like the person above me said it best, "quality time is spontaneous, not scheduled".
cjo03
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AggieBaller98 said:

I don't think there's enough money in the world for me to consider such a thing.

I dunno... I love my wife and kids. But add 2 digits to my salary and I may consider just bringing them and their new traveling private school teacher with me every week. On my jet.
topher06
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Doing it right now. Would not recommend if you have to do it even close to every week. I was starting to stay and work from home maybe 1 out of 3 weeks and that really helped. Then my house flooded so that now I'm doing it every week again but will go back to some time home once the house gets fixed.

Basically, don't do it every week or all of your friends will forget about you and your wife will struggle (even if she doesn't think so right now). Try to do 1 out of 2 weeks or 2 out of 3 weeks. Be ready to give up a lot of watching football if you want any chance of maintaining your relationship just using weekends.

Also, I wouldn't really consider unless the company is paying for all flights. There are enough other expenses that it isn't worth it if you're paying for your own flights.
DannyDuberstein
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The Monday/Thursday travel and/or working remotely a week out of every month really only work if that is the culture in the office and common among coworkers. When it isn't (and it sounds like it isn't here), you're the resented, pain in the ass guy that isn't there when he's needed. And that great job that was a step up the ladder becomes a step toward the door.

Alternatively, when you stack a lot of those weeks that $30k so accurately described together, good luck with maintaining an energy level to do either job as well, at work
or as dad. The stress when you're doing neither as well you are used to and capable of adds another layer.
water turkey
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Not worth it with a young child.
schmellba99
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I did this for a year when I moved back to Texas. The first 6 months was part of the deal of moving back, and it was only me living in Houston and spending the week in San Antonio. Left Monday morning at about 6, drove to SA, spent the week there, left Friday and was home by 8 or so. Every other Friday I swapped with a co-worker that did the same thing but lived in DFW and we left at noon. Aggravating, but not terrible for the most part. And again, it was part of the deal of getting my family and I back to Texas so I knew exactly what I was getting into.

The last 6 months I ended up down in the Valley. The deal was changed, flew in Sunday night, flew out Friday evening. I tried staying in my hotel a couple of times, but it was actually cheaper for me to fly back than pay for a hotel room for the weekend. An hour to the airport, flight was almost always delayed on Friday, got home generally around 10 or 11 at night and was usually worn out. Living in a hotel sucked, ate like crap, put on about 25 lbs of chub as a result that I still haven't lost. Left the house usually around 3 or so on Sunday, got to the hotel around 8 or 9 that night, wash, rinse, repeat. A day and a half on a weekend doesn't provide much time for much, and God forbid you want to just take a nap on Saturday or something of that nature. There was no real end in sight for me with this schedule, and my kids were little - made the wise decision to cut ties and find work at home, took a small pay cut to do it and don't regret it.

Honestly, at first me being gone helped my wife's and I relationship some. Made us appreciate the time we had with one another more, less fighting because we didn't want to waste our time together mad. But it still got old, and it put stress on us in other ways - she was basically a single mom for a year with a 3 year old and a 1 year old, I wasn't there to help with things during the week and on some weekends (like when my water heater crapped out, for example). During the summer I came home and spent most of the weekend doing stuff around the house - mowing yards, changing oil, honey do's, helping with laundry, etc. Didn't really get much of a weekend so to speak. Holidays sucked because I didn't want to travel at all considering that I was rarely home as it was.

On a short term basis with a well defined agreement, probably not a huge deal. On a long term, especially with younger kids and with a deal subject to change...nope, not worth it for me personally.
aTm2004
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Quote:

I knew someone that did this and it ended his marriage.
Quote:

Guy I work with has done this most of his career. I think he is on wife #3.
Quote:

You'll be lucky not to get a divorce
ArticPenguin:
I am a middle aged lesbian with two children. In Texas, the GOP would love to claim I am an unfit parent and take my children.

Response when pressed for proof:
I actually have 6 links, and was getting super pissed the more info I looked up...So, look it up yourself, I am not going to fight about something I know to be true, to a person who would just as soon see me in prison or dead.
https://texags.com/forums/16/topics/2948036/replies/51680255
Matsui
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Update?
diehard03
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Quote:

Honestly, at first me being gone helped my wife's and I relationship some. Made us appreciate the time we had with one another more, less fighting because we didn't want to waste our time together mad.

I think this is what makes is so dangerous - it's easy to think everythings going well when you both just choose to bottle it up and try not to be mad. But this has a cost.
diehard03
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Quote:

Update?

the distilled GB thread version is that the reason for doing it stems from not wanting to give up her job in case he didn't like this job and they will reevaluate together after 3 and 6 months.
JoeOlson
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I'm going to echo a lot of what has been said, but that's a pretty ridiculous commuting expectation. If you feel that you NEED to do this, I would ensure that you set expectations for at LEAST 1 week/month back in Texas. I would also target a Monday am - Thursday pm commuting cadence as much as possible. Remember that you will literally have nothing else to do when you're up in Virginia; so, ideally, you should be incredibly productive.

Also, if you're the only person commuting, don't even bother. There should be at least a percentage of remote workers and a culture where someone can be productive outside of an office environment.
Waltonloads08
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Flexbone said:

I've been offered a great job with a company in Virginia, but my family and life are in Texas. The only thing holding me back is location. The company has agreed to kick in for one of my flights home on weekends (wife and 19 month old aren't coming at least for now) per month, and my plan is to fly out late Friday afternoons and return home late Sunday night every week. This is known as super commuting, living in one city for work but going home on weekends (I'd never really heard the term). Has anyone ever done this? Is the travel a beating? My wife is ok with it. The problem is I can tell the company really wants me to move there full time eventually, even though it has nothing to do with my Job - they just seem to think the travel would eventually cause me to look elsewhere. Honestly, a big part of the jobs appeal is that I can in fact transfer back home to the office in Texas eventually.

Anyone ever done this? Any advice? Is it awful or worth it?


Either move your family or dont do it.

Also, I don't buy that you wife really wants this to happen.
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