Anyone else currently going through, or been through, a situation where the spouse is getting a PhD? How was it?

Our current situation:
-Received a $100,000 grant at OU plus stipend for full time
-3 year timeline. Goal to be a college professor.
-no kids, but our timeline would be having 1st during program (early 30s for her)

I'm incredibly excited for her and proud of her. However, I fear for the long nights, strain on a relationship, and being away from all our family/support (everyone is in DFW area).

Thanks for any feedback... I'm a worrier by trade. I found out about this tonight so my head is spinning! Unfortunately, she has about a week or two to answer in the affirmative!

To achieve your PhD in three years is a very fast and tight timeline. How confident are you that she will finish "on time?"

What field of study is her discipline?

I agree with double b that 3 years is a pretty quick turnaround for a PhD. I guess it depends on what your wife is studying, but typically the tenure process for faculty at even a decent institution is rigorous and stressful. The number of people who get divorced while going through the tenure process is something obscene, like 70+%. And all of that would be after she graduates and is working.

Thanks for the response. I cross posted in the job forum also. She and I both certainly don't want to take her out of one stressful situation to an even worse one. All signs point to an even difficult challenge for her in academia.

Hoping to get her out of the current job to reset and make a better decision without all the pressure.

Not trying to be an ass but If you don't have kids, why is being close to family such a big deal? It isn't like you need free babysitting.

I can understand being worried that you won't be able to find a comparable job in a small college town, but other than that, I don't get why a couple in their late 20s with no kids would have any issues/concerns with living anywhere.

You being bored and feeling left out of her life while she is in the program and how that would impact your relationship seems like a legitimate concern. But I don't think being closer to your family is going to solve that.

Some people actually like their family and seeing them and spending time with them is important?

I get what you're saying, but all we have talked about is having a family. This certainly changes the conversation/dynamic.

Below was mentioned on the job board in some fashion with more information.

Also, with her constant stress in her industry, the logical path IMO isn't to go get another degree and dig the trench deeper... not until she has figured out a better and more efficient way to work. She's admitted and agreed to this. Possible she has no need to pursue a degree if she figures this out.

Personally, my dad worked a 40 hour week job and was there for everything. That's how I am mentally. My mom had work/life balance as best she could as a teacher, but made up for it on time off.

I think anyone working more than 40 hours and/or taking time away from family in an unhealthy manner is a damn fool, but everyone has the right to enjoy life as they see fit with their goals!

Yeah that is different. I read your OP as doing this program and career path was a dream of hers and you were planning on having kids after she graduated and you were upset about spending 3 years away from family.

If the concern is that she really wants to be a mother first and wants to be able to live closer to family when you have kids, I can understand that. College professor jobs tend to be one of those "I got an offer from here, so we are moving there" and not "hey I want to move here, what faculty jobs are there."

Duncan Idaho said:

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College professor jobs tend to be one of those "I got an offer from here, so we are moving there" and not "hey I want to move here, what faculty jobs are there."

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This is the exact situation I am currently in. If she really wants to go teach at a university, moving where the jobs are is pretty much the only option. We're in Houston and I have finally realized we are going to have to move if I want to "live the dream" of teaching at the university level.

And I've heard the "move where your job is" from multiple people. I don't think she 100% realizes this fully. I can do my job anywhere, thankfully, but odds are her dream of being in DFW or Denver or a handful of major cities we both like will be very low.

My wife is a PhD, but she had it before we met.

Several things to think about....
What field is she in? That can have implications not just on PhD timeline, but also things like post-doc time. My wife came to TAMU for her post-doc. In her field you have to do at least 1 and often 2 or more post-doc stints before being considered for a faculty position.
Also keep in mind just because one has a PhD, doesn't mean there are faculty jobs open. I remember reading an article several years ago, and then discussing it with my at the time GF who was a prof, where basic gist is academia is like the cartels; someone has to leave or die for a spot to open up.
Just from these things...
Even if she can complete her PhD work in 3 years (of which she has funding), there may be 2-6 more years as a post-doc. And like with my wife, she had to move not just countries but continents as well.

All of my female friends who worked for their PhD didn't have kids. They might have a significant other, but having children was going to wait until after.

Something I just thought about.... while the school has promised 3 years funding of $100k and stipend etc., that doesn't mean it will always be there.
My wife had been told they funding for another year or two, she resigned her lease, and 2 weeks later she was told it fell through and December was the end of her time.

Think about what she would do if she doesn't or can't get a faculty position.
Engineers and STEM fields can find work (though it may take a while). Liberal Arts graduate degrees don't give much of a leg up in the real world. Even a STEM PhD sometimes isn't recognized for what it means and all the work put in. My wife had one job offer from a company that, being run by people without graduate degrees or the understanding or what it involves, wouldn't count her 8 years as a PhD and post-doc as time working or understand that she had more experience than their new people.

Much like you, I can work/ply my trade anywhere; so where she found good work we moved (she makes a lot more than me). That said, she got out of academia and works for a financial company doing data science. Meaning in her field now, while we are currently in Chicago she had offers in Denver, L.A. There are jobs in Dallas, Austin, North Carolina, nice places. Meanwhile I have friends how stuck with academia and several are stuck in podunk nowhere while they build their c.v. to try and get a position at a prominent university.

Best of luck to you both for whatever you decide.

She's a BCBA working with kids with Autism. On the clinic side demand for her work >>>>>> number of actual BCBAs in field. Combine that with the low reimbursement of insurance, and it's a stressful job with low margins.

She wants to teach classes and do research in her field (all I've understood). Programs all over the country, but no clue if the academia side is flooded with staff or just as starved as the clinic side.

I think she's landed 12 job offers out of 13 interviews since I've known her. Pretty crazy.

One of the people I work with at A&M does Autism research. I'd be happy to put your wife in contact with her.

mrsbeer05 said:

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One of the people I work with at A&M does Autism research. I'd be happy to put your wife in contact with her.

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DM me when you have time. She would be very interested. Thank you!

I'm about to graduate with my PhD so I'd be happy to answer questions. Also, all due respect to OU, and I've had lots of family attend, but a lot of university jobs want you to get your PhD at a VERY competitive program, usually Ivy's/Stanford/MIT/Duke, and even then you need a really good postdoc and an excellent publication record. Just something to keep in mind that she may be competing for faculty jobs with people who attended much more competitive programs.

For practical purposes, one should think of a PhD program as being 4 years and that is if you are doing it full-time and don't run into any exorbitant problems during the dissertation. There's no way I would recommend anyone giving childbirth during that period and be prepared for weekends watching her study. The sad truth is the divorce rate is quite high. The rewards on the other side are great but moving to teach is definitely the norm and beware of generous school loans. I would also recommend her to take all the extra statistics classes she can get

PhD and professor here, married the entire 5 years of my PhD program and still going strong 10 years later. Go for it. With good funding getting a PhD can be a great and rewarding (both intellectually and financially) experience. At the end of the day, trying to stop her will likely cause more long term riffs in your marriage than grad school. So just be supportive, it'll pay dividends the rest of your marriage. In a 3 year program there's no way that there's more than 1 year of course work, so all this "watching her study all the time" is unlikely. Most of her time will be spent doing research, which is often highly flexible schedule wise. If she really can get done in 3 years then you might want to wait until she's done to start a family. Having a kid in school is doable, but it often drags the dissertation phase out because babies just need a lot of time (especially the first when you're clueless) and it's easy to put writing off.

I'm an old retired PhD from TAMU. Started a full time faculty position in 1970 right after my MS as a research associate that allowed to take ONE course per semester on university time. My wife worked, and we'd just had our first child. My job was basically related to my PhD research field that made things better! My wife had completed 2 yrs of college before I graduated my senior 2nd semester when we were married. She worked the whole time through my PhD years. After my Old Army ways softened, she started back to school at TAMU, too. Soon our second child arrived. Thanks to a generous stock gift from my Great Aunt, we were able to sell some stock that allowed me to drop to 1/2 time one semester & 3/4 the next to polish off my course work. My research was Ag based mainly in the summer with school year involved in data analysis. My wife was able to stop work long enough to finish her BS by May 1974. I finished my PhD in Dec 1974. In my field, Ag Engr., post-docs then we're rare. I had several faculty position offers since I had published several peer reviewed papers by my grad fall semester. I interviewed at 2 Univ - LSU & NMSU & had other interviews scheduled in my field - water resources, irrigation,. The NMSU position fit better and paid a little better. Soon that next yr, my former Major Prof called me to interview back at TAMU for his old position after he'd been promoted to Dept Head. I accepted that new position at TAMU, but landed a Federal research position in CA doing exactly what I'd wanted to be doing in irrigation that wasn't a priority at TAMU. Then in 1979, I finagled a "transfer" to Bushland (near Amarillo) doing exactly what I loved in research but in Texas. Finished my 34 yr Federal career there in 2013. Yes, the PhD was good for me. Yes, you might need to make some sacrifices! But it's worth it to have a satisfied spouse! I'm grateful my spouse & kids let me drag them from Las Cruces back to CStat then Fresno then Amarillo! All three kids are Aggies - 1992, 1994, 2001. Oldest also has his PhD. All three are AHS Sandies, too.