Not sure if this is the right section for this topic...

I'm a father of two young kids, married, disabled veteran. Been battling lately and feel like I'm losing ground permanently. I have a mortgage, decent job, benefits, 401k, all that BS.. I'm tired. Exhausted. Still wake up everyday and do what I have to do, if only for my kids. I almost wrote that I'm "not sure" if I can do this until retirement age, but I know I can't. I regularly daydream of checking out of the rat race, buying land and slowing down. I feel like it would really help me long term. Maybe I'd be able to get off the cocktail of head meds that numb me. And that it would really be therapeutic and healing to live on a plot of land, away from "modern" culture and all the headaches that come with it. I get a little chunk of change from the gubmint every month, so I guess my dream is to get to a point where I can live off of that, maybe have a little business where I turn my wood working hobby into something more.

At the end of the day, my wife won't entertain the idea. She likes living in the burbs and prioritizes the kids going to a "good" public school over anything else - we cannot afford private school. Whenever I talk about doing something other than this, she acts like I'm selfish, irrational and immature. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful wife and mother and I love the woman for it. And to be clear, I don't intend to divorce or separate, but these ideas are starting to feel like a need, not a want. It feels like a necessary change and I need it to happen within the next few years.

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting by posting this. I guess I'm looking for some guidance or advice from other fathers. I've had two friends from the military take their lives and, in their memory, have promised to be open with discussing mental health issues, regardless of consequence or judgment from others. This has been on my mind for a while, so I'm putting it out there. Thanks for reading and any constructive responses.

Sounds like you are pretty mentally exhausted from current lifestyle. I don't think you're alone in that regard.

Are y'all involved in a church community where you can talk to the pastor or someone about this? I think personalized advice/help is almost always better than what you might find here!

There's a good book called Lost Connections that I'd recommend reading if you are interested. It dives into the drivers of the issues you're describing and has some good practical advice:
https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Connections-Uncovering-Depression-Unexpected/dp/163286830X

Perhaps this is a dumb question, but have you spoken to a therapist or a mental health professional about the issues presented here? You say that you have a cocktail of head meds so I'm sure you've met with someone. But if you haven't spoken to a therapist about your your feelings of exhaustion and your need to make a change, or at the very least how your goals and needs are diverging from your wife's (and both you and your wife's needs here seem perfectly legitimate), it may be good to do so.

My wife and I both left our jobs and backpacked for a year when we were 30. Best year of my life. Some people do that kind of thing with kids but now that I have one I don't really know how that's possible. The change was good for us and opened up new possibilities. Making big changes is terrifying, exciting, and can be rejuvenating. But hopefully any change you make can be made with the full support of your family.

I pray for the best for you and your family and that you find what you need. Hopefully people here can provide helpful feedback and support.

I wish I had 3 hours and a few beers with you to go into detail, because I've been there. To keep the board free of my personal drama, I'll be brief. Life, work, a marriage, and kids can be too much. You have to make sacrifices somewhere whether you want to or not. My personal recommendation would be to cut way back on your spending, live below your means, and use that flexibility to take some time and stress out of your job. That way you're not shortchanging your wife, kids, or social life/mental health. It's even better if you can incorporate your family or friends into your work or your stress relief and hit two birds with one stone. Short term just focus on making your life bearable, and then work toward a long term goal that will make you and all your people happy.

What does any of this have to do with Spain?

Sometimes you need a wholesale change and sometimes you just need a reset.

When is the last time you took a vacation? A real one, not just a long weekend?

And seconded to talk to a therapist. Mental health is health.

Sometimes reducing your spending and reducing your work can happen, sometimes it can't. Certain jobs just demand a lot of time and stress. Mine is one such, but even still I did manage to make some changes around my office to have others pull more weight (mine was an unequal burden, this only works if you do more than your fair share) and I'm continuing to do so.

Don't try and slog for a decade if the status quo doesn't work. Find some changes you can make.

This is absolutely the correct forum.

I second the therapist recommendations.

What support do you have in terms of friends, neighbors, family, church where you're at? Who's sharing your burden?

Martin Q. Blank said:

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Wife, two kids, house, and a decent job. What are you tired/exhausted from?

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Probably from using his prime years sitting at a desk staring at a bright screen for a job without any intrinsic meaning other than enriching shareholders he'll never meet in order to help his kids get to college so that they can repeat the same process?

Serotonin said:

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Martin Q. Blank said:

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Wife, two kids, house, and a decent job. What are you tired/exhausted from?

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Probably from using his prime years sitting at a desk staring at a bright screen for a job without any intrinsic meaning other than enriching shareholders he'll never meet in order to help his kids get to college so that they can repeat the same process?

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"work unto the Lord and not unto men"

So glad you posted this.

I've been through (and am still in the midst of) similar issues.

I can't help you on the spousal end of things, but I can sympathize very deeply with your exhaustion.

I, too, am blessed with a beautiful family…and feel guilty about complaining. But exhaustion down past your bones and into your soul is something I can relate to.

It's beyond anything medicine or alcohol (in my case) or drugs (in others case) or sleep (in my case, again) can cure.

I don't want to sound "preachy" in the sense that the world seems or wants to offer…but searching for God's voice is the most important step.

After that, find a way to "get small"…in what you think you and your family needs.

We are continually downsizing our lives and it has only brought us more happiness.

I make a very nice salary and it hasn't made us happier. Getting "smaller" has.

Work towards simplifying your life so you have more energy to devote to your family.

In the end, that's all you will care about.

It's a never ending struggle to do what you think is best for your family…but never lose sight of the fact that the most important thing for them is that you are present and "in the moment."

I will pray for you and hope you will do the same for me.

Let's pray that you and I will come to a deep understanding that we will never make our families happier by what we have, provide, or achieve.

Instead, let's pray for each other that, through becoming "smaller," we can find a deep sense of contentment…and that our families flourish through that sense of peace.

I've fought this battle daily for years…but I'm finally starting to stack some victories with the help of God.

If I can, you most certainly can.

By the way…I took a step back in that battle tonight (as you will)…but I have gained enough small victories to give me true hope.

Never give up…fight to get smaller, for the sake of
your family (which wouldn't exist and can't thrive without you)….and know that you are never alone in this struggle.

Many of us are fighting the same fight…you will never be alone in this…and God will never abandon you if you seek for Him and ask for His help.

Never give up…never give in…and illegitimi non carborundum

Godspeed

I haven't had time to respond to all the great responses individually, so I've put this off which I shouldn't have considering all the genuine responses yall provided.

Yes, I'm ok. Sorry for leaving that up in the air for a while. I've read every response. Even started reading the book that the first poster suggested.

There were a lot of responses that centered on faith. I'm not active in a church, and besides being forced to go to church as a kid by my mom, only possess a passive positive interest and hope for turning a corner at some point in my life with my faith. Recently read a book a few months ago called "Fatherless Generation," by John Sowers. A basic summary and the main idea of the book is that a mans relationship and opinion of God can be tied to our relationship with our own father. For me, it makes sense. I have always wanted to believe, much like I have always wanted to have a relationship with my dad. But despite trying to connect, the effort has not been reciprocated. That has made me feel unwanted and less-than since I can remember, so maybe there's some reluctance to try to have a relationship with God if the book is right. Wouldn't normally share so openly with strangers, or anyone else for that matter. Maybe someone can relate, though. In Lucero's "The War", one my favorite bands and songs, there's a line that goes like this "I'd be no guest at the table of the Lord, his food was not to be mine, cuz I cursed his name every chance that I could, I reckon that's why I'm still alive." I decided to forgive him recently, if only for my own sake, so maybe that will help.

For the guy who asked why I named this thread "Spanish Pipedream", it's a John Prine song. It came on when I was writing my OP and kinda went with what I was talking about, so I figured that for the title.

As for therapy and professionals, I was off and on with VA mental health for about two years but they seemed more interested in gauge me on standardized assessments instead of genuinely helping. I see a private therapist once a week now and also work with a psychiatrist for head meds.

The wife and I have talked about a lot recently about expectations, desires and have a plan that more or less is a meet in the middle solution. Doing better with that out in the open and agreed upon. Just have to be patient. I'm still intent on turning my hobby into a business and treat it like one when I'm out there in the shop. I've mostly done small projects and gifts for friends, family and my daughters school but the time to prove I can turn a profit is here and I'm very confident in that.

I'll end this reply so it doesn't turn into its own book. Plan on responding more when I can. Thanks again to those who gave feedback and support. GIg'em

I love that song and Lucero is one of my favorite bands ever. Literally wearing a Lucero tshirt right now.

I feel like almost everyone goes through a phase of a portion of life where they are mad at God .. at least a little.
I definitely did.

I didn't respond initially, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you too. Sometimes just the act of being alive is exhausting. Sometimes, hearing that other people are going through that provides some solidarity and I think I needed that this afternoon too.