We grew up as Baptists, so I heard all the typical stories one hears in Sunday school and sermons. From this, I had a basic understanding of the bible and the gospel. Now, I'm one of the most logical and skeptical people I know and I'm trying to fit these stories in with what I see as reality. One thing that bothered me is that there was always some miraculous thing happening in every bible story, but no such things happening anymore as far as I could tell. That didn't seem fair to me. Certainly, it would be easier to "believe" if you've seen big miracles like we see in the bible. Or even a small miracle. Any miracle. He appeared to people all over the bible. He appeared in the upper room. He appeared to the guys walking to Emmaus. This seems to be something He's easily capable of doing, since He's all powerful and such. But no. No such luck. Wouldn't you know it. Great.
Back then I was a latch key kid before they knew what severe psychological damage that could do. Also, in 4th grade I got out of school about 30 minutes before my brother, so for a while I was completely alone in the house. I decided one day to make a bargain with God. I would believe in Him, if He could just show me a sign. Anything. It didn't have to be some huge appearance in the clouds for everyone to see. This was just between me and Him. Being home alone for that time seemed like a good time to do it. So, I decided that the next day all He had to do was to appear in my back yard when I got home. I didn't need a big show, or even to ask Him questions. Just show up. That's all. I asked God for that in as an honest and sincere way as only a 4th grade child could.
The next day, I got busy with school and kind of forgot about it. But once school was out and I was walking toward my house, the gravity of what I'd done had set in. My pace quickened. When I got to the house, I didn't open the front door and go in like I normally do. A carried my books with me around to the far side of the house where the gate to the back yard was. As I reached the gate, I paused briefly to see if I could hear anything in the back yard. Nothing at the moment. But then, I pulled the latch and slowly peaked into the back yard. And standing right in the middle of the back yard was . . . nothing but a big tree we used to climb. No God. No Jesus. No miracle. Nothing.
I pondered this for a long while but didn't completely reject all things about God or the bible. I continued to go to church and hear all the same stories. After some time we moved away, so I'd never get to see the completion of my bargain with God. After the move we continued to attend Sagemont Baptist Church for a while. One summer between my 4th and 5th grade years I attended a Vacation Bible School there. Back then, the main worship area doubled as a basketball court like a high school gym with two sets running across and the stage at the far end. They assembled a good number of us kids in there for a portion of the VBS program.
Like all good Baptists, they had an alter call. All heads bowed and all eyes closed. And even though, I never got the miracle I asked for from God, at this time I was willing to "believe". It was right there in the middle of that gym/sanctuary that I prayed with all my heart for God to wash me of my sins and have Jesus come into my heart. And while they were still leading through the "prayer" I immediately heard what sounded like a rushing wind behind me. I opened my eyes and turned to look over my left shoulder. What I saw at the back of the building can best be described as the "dirty" wind you might see in a tornado funnel. Except that this wind was not funneling in a circle. It was funneling to a small point directly towards me and passed through by back in a circular area about the size of a volleyball.
That's when I turned around and saw that same wind exiting my chest in about the same fashion. Except now the wind was white as snow. It was as if the wind was blowing right through me like a screen door. It funneled back out in front of me in a linear fashion as it had gone into me and billowed up near the front of the sanctuary. At that moment the walls and roof of the sanctuary kind of disappeared from view and the wind billowed up into clouds. But then I realized the clouds weren't really clouds, but millions of angels dressed in white robes. They were so far away that they dissolved into cloud shapes like a Seurat painting.
The angels were repeatedly singing "Hallelu'Yah." But the sound was nothing like I've hear before or since. You can distinguish between a duet and a small choir. And you can tell the difference between a small choir and a large choir. And the difference is not just one of volume, but of tone, timbre, etc. If you could ever assemble a choir of 10 million or more and stand a mile of so away to listen to them, I believe this is what it would sound like. The power of those voices just shakes right through you. The best example I can give is sitting on the front stretch of a NASCAR race re-start. The power of it literally shakes the ground.
In the middle of these clouds a large figure appears to me as one that I can only describe as Jesus. What did He look like? Basically, like most every painting you've seen. It's been a while now and I'm starting to forget some details, if you can believe that. I'm not 100% certain if He had a beard, but I'm thinking not. He didn't speak a word, but just smiled at me. I get choked up every time I think of talking about that smile and write this with tears in my eyes.
And in that instance it was all gone and I was left staring up at the front of the Sagemont Baptist church sanctuary. The ladies were just finishing up the "prayer" so I quickly closed my eyes and bowed my head back down. As they told us all to look up, I wondered who else had seen this. I slowing peaked at the kids on my right and my left, but they were staring blankly up front. It appears nobody else saw it. How was that possible, for something so real, loud and visual to go completely unnoticed by everyone? But it had. The vision was only for me. It was just between Me and God. So, He did appear to me after all. I guess He kept His end of the bargain. But only after I accepted Him. There it was. I had my miracle. A miracle of "biblical" proportions. I suspect it was not too dissimilar to what Stephen describes in Acts 7:55-56.
They asked for all those who had accepted Jesus to come forward and many did, but I was frozen. Frozen, not by what I'd seen, but too embarrassed to stand up in front of people. I was a mildly autistic child and extremely shy. I've worked out of that generally though my adulthood, but that's another story. I must admit, this whole experience kept me on cloud nine for a while. Maybe a week or more. Only a week? Surprisingly yes. Life has a way of wearing you down. I still had tests, homework, chores, fighting with my brother and every monotonous daily thing that can suck the life out of your soul.
However, I must admit that this is something you never completely shake off. I can't help but recall it at various times. I often wonder "why me?" and what was the purpose of this? And did this mean I was intended for something "great" in the kingdom? If I was ever intended for a calling, I might have lost it over they years by my actions and like of faith, much like Moses was not allowed to enter into the Promised Land. And even with such a powerful vision to carry me, there were times I felt like I might walk away from God. Perhaps that's why He gave me the vision. Because He knew the skeptical nature within me would have walked away from this faith if not for such a vision. That may be the answer. He didn't want to lose me. Others, like my wife who have never had any such "miracle" can keep the faith and my with if one of the most ardent believers in God I've ever known. I don't know how people can do that. She sometimes gets frustrated about never having any such "God" experience and I tell hear that is because God knows you don't need it. My faith was weak. That's why I needed it. So, it's not because I'm greater than others, but because I'm weaker.
It's difficult for me to talk about this. I've only spoken of it a few times in my life and I've not even been able to share it with many of my immediately family. I'm not sure exactly why that is. Part of me doesn't want to get lumped together with all those "loonies" who are constantly "talking" to God. Part of me just has a hard time speaking of it without breaking down, so I avoid that. Part of me thinks speaking of it too much is like casting pearls before swine. I know many will not believe. Many times I wish I could just "give" you a similar experience and it frustrates my that I can't. I know the validity of this story rests solely with the credibility of me as a person. I've never had an experience before or since this time, where I've heard and seen things that were not "really" there. But all I can say is, "This is what happened to me."
Shalom
