Infidelity and Honesty

3,391 Views | 83 Replies | Last: 6 yr ago by PacifistAg
ramblin_ag02
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AG
Of course she deserves to know. People are pretending like the honesty would be damaging, when it was actually the infidelity and continued dishonesty that was actually damaging.

I still don't see any grey area from a Christian perspective. In Christian marriage two people are joined to become one. One body and one life. Your body belongs to your spouse. If you commit adultery with your body (his/her property), then your spouse deserves to know. Lying about it just piles sin on sin. The dishonesty is a bad apple in the barrel of your marriage, and it's going to rot the whole thing through.

Trust me, been on the bad side of this. It wasn't adultery (that I'm aware of), but my former spouse lied to me for years. She had a problem that directly impacted me and lied to me to spare my feelings. She wanted to fix the problem and then I would never know or be burdened by it. Well, guess what? The problem got worse, and when it was getting too big to hide she just avoided me instead. At the end and before coming clean, she couldn't stand to be around me and couldn't look me in the face due to guilt. That first white lie was step one to the complete destruction of my marriage. There is never a good reason to lie to your spouse, at least if you want to keep your spouse.
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PacifistAg
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Yeah, I think what is most frustrating about this discussion is how often continuing the lie is presented as an honorable act of self-sacrifice meant to protect the spouse. It's anything but that. I know bustup used to make this argument about his friend that cheated.

Continuing the lie isn't about protecting the spouse. It's about protecting yourself. Whether you don't want to risk your marriage (which you already did by cheating), you don't want to risk your reputation, you don't want to risk your possessions...whatever it is, it's about protecting yourself. It's bad enough to cheat. It's even worse to lie about it. It gets worse when you hide behind a faux sense of chivalry to continue the lie.
“Conquer men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of justice to shame by your compassion."
--St Isaac the Syrian
diehard03
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Of course she deserves to know. People are pretending like the honesty would be damaging, when it was actually the infidelity and continued dishonesty that was actually damaging.

I still don't see any grey area from a Christian perspective. In Christian marriage two people are joined to become one. One body and one life. Your body belongs to your spouse. If you commit adultery with your body (his/her property), then your spouse deserves to know. Lying about it just piles sin on sin. The dishonesty is a bad apple in the barrel of your marriage, and it's going to rot the whole thing through.

I think I just misinterpreted your post that you were for withholding the sin from the deathbed wife because it would be like telling her you got away with it.
dds08
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AG
Who is this "bustup" everyone keeps referring to?

Inside joke?
PacifistAg
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dds08 said:

Who is this "bustup" everyone keeps referring to?

Inside joke?
No. He was a poster here a while back. Bustupchiffarobe was the full name, or something like that. He's apparently only on the Politics board now. Bought into the alt-right, white nationalism nonsense really hard, from what I understand.
“Conquer men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of justice to shame by your compassion."
--St Isaac the Syrian
Good Bull Jones 17
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AG
I wanted to read the original forum where that one guy was bragging about sleeping with German prostitutes while his wife and kids were home but I clicked on it and it wasn't available anymore. Just wanted to see how exactly one frames that in a positive light. Really mind blowing that he "bragged" about that. Really liked a lot of Retired AG's thoughts on this thread as well.
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Questions
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AstroAg17 said:

I believe them that it could come from genuine concern for ones wife and family. Why don't you? Do you disagree that your wife will be happiest in that situation?


What else should we lie about to maintain happiness based on a lie? She may be happier now but she will be far more unhappy years later when it comes out and she realizes her husband lied to her all that time. She's in love with a man who didn't cheat. You're stealing her choice by cheating and not being honest which makes you the worst kind of person. Not you but people like bustup the adulterer.
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AGC
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AG
AstroAg17 said:

You're making the assumption that it will come out later, but that's far from guaranteed. If it never comes out, she'll obviously never be distraught over it, and there are plenty of conceivable situations where it almost certainly won't come out.


You're making a choice for her (that it's best for her not to know). It's not your choice to make. The lie is to protect what you have, not her (and this is the second lie you tell, but to yourself instead), even if she never finds out.

If you have to keep lying to keep something going I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's not in anyone's best interest. How many more lies will you tell to keep it hidden? And what else will you lie about that you don't consider to be at the same level of cheating?
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AGC
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AstroAg17 said:

I don't agree that the choice has to be made in one's own self interest. I think that someone can honestly feel that what's best for their spouse is not to know. You seem to be saying that it's impossible; that someone could only come to that conclusion out of selfishness. I don't see why that should be true.


How many couples do you know where the spouse has been unfaithful? I can count four off the top of my head for me and my wife. Not a single woman would agree with you.

I'm not saying someone can't feel something, I'm saying that what they feel is not relevant (and lie number two). They can't actually know that unless they've told their spouse (which is the rub). I don't know of any marriage where someone prefers deceit to the truth.
diehard03
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I wanted to read the original forum where that one guy was bragging about sleeping with German prostitutes while his wife and kids were home but I clicked on it and it wasn't available anymore. Just wanted to see how exactly one frames that in a positive light. Really mind blowing that he "bragged" about that. Really liked a lot of Retired AG's thoughts on this thread as well.

While it has created an interesting discussion here, he's a Texags regular and was trolling. Don't take everything you read so seriously.
diehard03
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I don't agree that the choice has to be made in one's own self interest. I think that someone can honestly feel that what's best for their spouse is not to know. You seem to be saying that it's impossible; that someone could only come to that conclusion out of selfishness. I don't see why that should be true.

It's been asked on this thread already if you'd rather not know if the shoes on the other foot. If you choose to not know, then at least you're consistent.
PacifistAg
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AG
AstroAg17 said:

I believe them that it could come from genuine concern for ones wife and family. Why don't you? Do you disagree that your wife will be happiest in that situation?
Because if there was genuine concern for the spouse, then they'd be honest and work to repair the trust they broke of their own free will. "Happiest" is really just a short-term happiness, and it's a false happiness as it's based on deceit. Concealing it is like putting a band-aid on a cancer patient. It does nothing to heal the actual illness but just gives the illusion that one is treating it.

From a Christian perspective, we believe that one of the characteristics of love is honesty. They rob their spouse of the love of which they are deserving to receive as a part of the union they entered into. So, in concealing, you not only allow the spouse to live a falsehood based on ignorance, but you actually rob them of the love that you pledged to show them when you may your vows. It's an entirely selfish act. Not to mention, I struggle to see how one's relationship with God can not be damaged through such dishonesty, as the marital relationship is a reflection of God's relationship w/ His church.
 
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