Hello GB. Looking for an honest opinion on a song I wrote. I don't write very often, but have always been extremely interested in lyrics and songwriting.

I just found out recently that my grandfather is passing away from lung cancer. As a way to process, I decided to jot some words down about what he meant to me, as well as reflect on the cycle of grandfather/dad/son/grandson.

I thought it would be cool to hear from an outsider's perspective and get some feedback, as I like the idea of writing more often. I really enjoyed being able to process in this way. Are they good? Bad? Any honest feedback is welcome and extremely appreciated.

FTR, this song would be more likely to be in the Classic Country to Texas Country. Slow tempo, Key of E.

Late edit: How it turned out

Quote:

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My father called the other day he was hesitant to tell me

That the Lord is coming it's been a good ride but your months are counted

Now I reflect on what is true and memories you leave me knowing

I would not be the same man if it wasn't for your love and counsel

From ball games to our family farm there's a reason they call you coach And

I hope that the care you showed me translates to this piece of land

Chorus:

What kind of man would I be
If you hadn't cared for me?

Verse 2 (Dad)

I imagine how you processed it as you realize that forever is here

The years you spent taking care of him all of the doctors you've seen

Is there a feeling of relief knowing that he'll be in his forever home or does the

Fact you'll never call another person your daddy hit harder than you think?

Bridge (The Cycle)

Now the cycle continues with you and me in our next section

There is nothing you keep there is only your reflection

Chorus reprise:

What kind of man would I be
If you hadn't cared for me?

Would I be some emotionless depiction
An absentee shadow not one for conversation?

Would the work you put in me fall into thin air
All gone to waste for my son none to share

And where do we go from here? The choice you both have shown me

Let's spend the rest of these golden years reliving all of these old memories

Outro

My father called the other day he could barely wait to tell me

Son do you want to go for a ride or maybe just go fishing

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That's fine. Posting pictures of boobies didn't seem appropriate in this scenario, but hey what do I know?

We're not super concerned with "appropriate".

No boobs, no commentary.

Honest feedback and a musician and songwriter;
Obviously I don't know the melody, but even just making up one on my head, the verses don't flow well. Syllables aren't lining up, and while you don't always have to rhyme (which you mostly don't), you need a similar syllable structure or some sort of similarity between lines to help it flow.

Do you have a song written for it? Chord progression?

62strat said:

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Honest feedback and a musician and songwriter;
Obviously I don't know the melody, but even just making up one on my head, the verses don't flow well. Syllables aren't lining up, and while you don't always have to rhyme (which you mostly don't), you need a similar syllable structure or some sort of similarity between lines to help it flow.

Do you have a song written for it? Chord progression?

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Thanks a lot for the awesome feedback. I do indeed have a song written for it that I am able to sing to and fit the words comfortably fortunately. I do agree that verse 2 doesn't line up verse 1 well in terms of syllable count. Having the lines flow better will be something I look into. Thanks again.

Not much of a music person, but would love to hear the final version of this.

Thoughtful and something I can relate to as a Dad, who spent time with my Papa on a family farm watching my kids spend time with their Papa on that same farm.

Quote:

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My father called the other day he was hesitant to tell me

That the Lord is coming it's been a good ride but your months are counted

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interesting song about a dad who calls and tells his son that hes coming to murder him

Yeah if my dad called and told me I'm about to die I'd freak right tf out. My dad died 6 years ago.

Old Army Ghost said:

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Quote:

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My father called the other day he was hesitant to tell me

That the Lord is coming it's been a good ride but your months are counted

---

interesting song about a dad who calls and tells his son that hes coming to murder him

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Oh did I say Classic Country? I meant DEATH METAL.

Stuff like "i imagined how you processed it" just seems out of place, too clinical, too intellectual, etc for a song that seems about "pulling on heartstrings"

Refreshing this thread to share how the song turned out. I recorded it awhile back but never got around to posting it here. He's gone now, but I'm thankful for the life he was able to live and for the kids he raised.

Not really looking for critiques at this time, but some were interested in hearing way back when so thought I'd share.

And yet still no boobs have been posted