Saying "No" to Request for Recommendation

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PanzerAggie06
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8:11a, 3/21/19
AG
Anyone have any experience with saying "no" to a person that has requested a letter of recommendation?

A former Soldier of mine has asked for a LOR for his grad school application. The problem is that while he was a good guy personality wise and was intelligent I found him to be somewhat lazy, unmotivated, and an overall poor Soldier. Part of me just says write the damn letter...its just grad school. However, my "it's the principle of the matter" gene has kicked in and I'm having a hard time convincing myself to do it.

Anyone ever told someone to pound sand when they asked for a LOR? Looking for diplomatic ways out of this.
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Martin Q. Blank
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8:13a, 3/21/19
Just write the letter like that.
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ac04
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8:13a, 3/21/19
can you just fluff it up with a bunch of good guy and intelligent stuff and move on rather than potentially burning a bridge?
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Beer Baron
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8:17a, 3/21/19
AG
No diplomatic way out. You either lie in the letter, half-ass the letter, or be a jerk in his mind.
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Geralt of Rivia
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8:19a, 3/21/19
S
Tell him that he should manage his expectations, and that you don't think he is necessarily cut out for grad school
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aTm2004
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8:22a, 3/21/19
AG
Just write him a letter and tell him that he better be applying to University of Phoenix.
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quanah
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In reply to Beer Baron • 8:23a, 3/21/19
Beer Baron said:
No diplomatic way out. You either lie in the letter, half-ass the letter, or be a jerk in his mind.

You don't have to lie. You can keep it short and sweet, just listing their positive attributes and omit the negative ones.
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PanzerAggie06
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In reply to aTm2004 • 8:28a, 3/21/19
AG
As I said.....the dude is pretty damn smart. He is actually applying to some of the big name MBA programs. And I imagine he'll get in. He has an undergrad from Yale. It's shocking to think the could be graduating from one of the top 5 MBA programs in a few years and start pulling in offers starting in the 150K-175K range.
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Bobby Petrino`s Neckbrace
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8:34a, 3/21/19
Mastering the art of the difficult conversation is crucial to your own success in life. Put on your big boy panties and make notes of what specifically bothers you about this dude, and be straight up honest with him. If he still wants you to write the LOR, at least you have properly set his expectations.
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QBCade
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In reply to PanzerAggie06 • 8:37a, 3/21/19
AG
PanzerAggie06 said:
As I said.....the dude is pretty damn smart. He is actually applying to some of the big name MBA programs. And I imagine he'll get in. He has an undergrad from Yale. It's shocking to think the could be graduating from one of the top 5 MBA programs in a few years and start pulling in offers starting in the 150K-175K range.


It will prob be more like $250K - $500K. Unless he's just really lazy.
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Dad
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8:42a, 3/21/19
AG
I would just write the letter. One day someone might be in a position to help you or your kids out and decide to be a d-bag like you and you'll remember saying no to writing the letter.
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Unemployed
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8:44a, 3/21/19
AG
Just write it. He's not a terrible person; he's just lazy. At least he thought highly enough of you to ask for a LOR from you.
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PanzerAggie06
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In reply to QBCade • 8:45a, 3/21/19
AG
Not to derail my own thread but for the life of me I can't grasp that. How can any school, even one of the Top 5 elites, be imparting knowledge that is so valuable, and seemingly unavailable to other schools, that it creates that level of value?

My old roommate from my Army days received his MBA from Booth at Chicago. Super smart dude but man his leadership skills were hot garbage and he had the personality of a piece of dry wall. Now he's making god knows what.
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IrishTxAggie
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8:46a, 3/21/19
AG
Tell him to write it and you'll sign it. Win-win.
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hillcountryag86
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8:51a, 3/21/19
AG
The military mastered the art of writing performance reviews on average or below people which seemed nice but actually had no substance. You more than anyone should know this.
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PanzerAggie06
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In reply to hillcountryag86 • 8:54a, 3/21/19
AG
Ha. Very very true. Loved the OERs that sounded great to the uninitiated but in reality were basically saying "this dude is the worst".
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Sweet Kitten Feet
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9:03a, 3/21/19
S
Sounds like you should've had that conversation when he reported to you. If you had, he likely wouldn't be asking you for a recommendation now.
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BenFiasco14
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In reply to PanzerAggie06 • 9:08a, 3/21/19
AG
Write the letter and be honest about him. Talk about his good qualities but also mention the bad. He asked you to write it and it's his fault (presumably) that you feel that way about him.
CNN is an enemy of the state and should be treated as such.
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PanzerAggie06
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In reply to Sweet Kitten Feet • 9:08a, 3/21/19
AG
I did. Repeatedly.
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Sweet Kitten Feet
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In reply to PanzerAggie06 • 9:12a, 3/21/19
S
Ah. Well that's different. If he knew you didn't think highly of his work already he shouldn't put you in the position of asking for a recommendation. I'd probably do it anyway if the guy wasn't a total loser so as not to burn bridges or something like that. But you know the guy's work, and whether you want your name tied to something like that.
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Bruce Almighty
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9:18a, 3/21/19
AG
I have to do this all the time. I always write the letter, but the ones I don't really want to recommend, I keep the letter very generic. The admissions office will be able to read between the lines and can tell if the person is writing the letter just to be nice. Make sure you put it in a sealed envelope.
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AR_Ag95
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In reply to IrishTxAggie • 9:19a, 3/21/19
AG
IrishTxAggie said:
Tell him to write it and you'll sign it. Win-win.
I've seen this done several times.......have him keep revising if you don't like it. This will make him take a hard look in the mirror.
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Scoopen Skwert
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9:22a, 3/21/19
AG
Just use the same made up **** you did on either his oer or ncoer.

HTH.
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Scoopen Skwert
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9:23a, 3/21/19
AG
"Promote ahead of peers."
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PanzerAggie06
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In reply to Scoopen Skwert • 9:26a, 3/21/19
AG
"One of the best" was my favorite way BN commanders would say that a PL sucked.
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Scoopen Skwert
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9:29a, 3/21/19
AG
Seriously though. Just do it. It's the same thing as their ets or retirement award or final oer or ncoer. You hook a brother up. He ate and pounded the same sand as you.

Of course if he didn't live by: Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal Coursge. He deserves nothing from you.
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babyshark
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9:37a, 3/21/19
Ask yourself a question. Is he a good enough soldier to hunt you down? If yes, write the letter.
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ThunderCougarFalconBird
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In reply to PanzerAggie06 • 9:44a, 3/21/19
AG
PanzerAggie06 said:
Not to derail my own thread but for the life of me I can't grasp that. How can any school, even one of the Top 5 elites, be imparting knowledge that is so valuable, and seemingly unavailable to other schools, that it creates that level of value?

My old roommate from my Army days received his MBA from Booth at Chicago. Super smart dude but man his leadership skills were hot garbage and he had the personality of a piece of dry wall. Now he's making god knows what.
They're not selling education. They're selling access to fellow elite people. It's a degree in a network, not knowledge. My brother has one. I'm pretty sure he makes more money than God at this point.
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Tex117
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9:47a, 3/21/19
AG
Well, Panzer, you wouldn't be writing a LOR for him to be a solider. You are writing it for him to be in grad school.

Grad school students are usually likable and intelligent, also lazy, and are bad soldiers.

So, write the letter, do a bro a favor, and move on.
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histag10
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9:52a, 3/21/19
AG
Maybe say that based on your interactions with him, you feel that an MBA and office job are more suitable to his personality than being a soldier?

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Scoopen Skwert
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9:55a, 3/21/19
AG
yeah I had a man love Thursday joke but decided against it.
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infinity ag
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In reply to QBCade • 10:17a, 3/21/19
QBCade said:
PanzerAggie06 said:
As I said.....the dude is pretty damn smart. He is actually applying to some of the big name MBA programs. And I imagine he'll get in. He has an undergrad from Yale. It's shocking to think the could be graduating from one of the top 5 MBA programs in a few years and start pulling in offers starting in the 150K-175K range.


It will prob be more like $250K - $500K. Unless he's just really lazy.

What kind of jobs bring in that much money off the bat with a top 5 MBA?
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ThunderCougarFalconBird
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In reply to infinity ag • 10:18a, 3/21/19
AG
infinity ag said:
QBCade said:
PanzerAggie06 said:
As I said.....the dude is pretty damn smart. He is actually applying to some of the big name MBA programs. And I imagine he'll get in. He has an undergrad from Yale. It's shocking to think the could be graduating from one of the top 5 MBA programs in a few years and start pulling in offers starting in the 150K-175K range.


It will prob be more like $250K - $500K. Unless he's just really lazy.

What kind of jobs bring in that much money off the bat with a top 5 MBA?
Working in private equity or an I bank as an associate (not an analyst).
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97
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10:33a, 3/21/19
AG
Write the letter, don't be a dick.
"Aggies don't lie, cheat, or steal, nor do they tolerate those who do!" - Aggie Code of Honor
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Bismarck
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10:40a, 3/21/19
AG
He sounds motivated to go to Grad school. Perhaps the military just wasn't for him. As for being lazy, he'll still have to do the work if he's accepted to a program. He'll either sink or swim. If he saddles himself with a lot of debt and fails, that's on him. You aren't recommending him for a job.
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