...or Coach Uppercut, as I will be called.
It's obvious that Temper Tantrum Turgeon (TTT) hates it here and that the team he puts on the court is boring and not very good. But how much does this guy get paid to embarrass us across the nation every year? 1.5 MILLION dollars, plus the use of a state van. WHAT....A....RIPOFF. He's never even been to a Top Two, little less an Excellent Eight.
So I'm campaigning here for head coach for when Turgeon gives up his charade and is selling preserves by the overpass. If we're going to suck, we might as well be interesting.
1. The Athletic Department is in the red. We need money, and we aren't going to get any throwing money around at coaches who can't put a top 5 team on the court, or building locker rooms for athletes that have never hustled as much as Chris Walker in their lives. CW hustles more twisting open an Oreo (he doesn't eat them) than this team does playing basketball. A lot of this plan includes cutting expenditures and increasing profits. I don't know if those words are right, but they sound like business words. I'm a coach, not a businessman BYRNE.
2. SELL REED ARENA
Do we even own Reed Arena? Do the Reeds? The state? The Masons? I'm pretty sure it was built by Habitat for Humanity anyway, so it won't be missed. My plan for selling is to make a bid to Breakaway Ministries. They have bigger attendance figures than basketball, so they need more space than my club in the first place. It could also serve as overflow from all the study space that's constantly filled at the library. If the Housing Fair and Songfest want to get involved, that's their problem. Breakaway teaches fairness and compassion (probably), so maybe they'll let them rent. We're selling BECAUSE....
3. WE'RE MOVING BACK TO G. ROLLIE
It suits the crowd size better, and we won't have to pay for air conditioning because I don't think it has any. Byrne will probably give me lip over the loss in capacity, but when your crowds are what ours are, there probably isn't a fire marshal in attendance. We can probably fit the extra corps attendance around the floor and do just fine. Volleyball will be moved to a sand pit somewhere in Spence. I hate sharing.
4. SALARY, COACHING, HIRING, AND RECRUITING AND SALARY
Salary: I'm willing to do this for...122k a year plus bonuses plus incentives plus moving expenses plus oil and gas rights to G. Rollie. Bargain. Budget crisis solved (over 16 years). You're welcome, Bill. The incentive being that I turn the program kickass. Which I will.
Hiring: BCG is coming back. (waits for applause to die down). Since we don't want to waste that much money on basketball, however, he will have to come back as a graduate assistant making 7 dollars an hour. I don't know how his test scores are, but I think we can find him a spot in the communications department.
Also, I think Logan Lee and Chris Walker live in College Station. If they're good Ags, they'll join the staff in an unpaid intern role. Kirk is already there, so I'll approach him too. At best, I can see if I can get the coaching hours to count as community service...just in case. Members of the 03-04 team will be encouraged to have sons that they force to come play basketball at A&M so we have a feel good story some 18 years from now.
RECRUITING: I expect the coaching staff to draw interest from recruits to start off, but once they move on to jobs at UNC, Kansas, Baylor, and Ouachita Baptist, my strategy will be twofold.
-Become known as a last resort for players that couldn't play elsewhere. I won't be "hitting the road" to recruit as much as assembling a poorly made geocities website where players can submit applications. THEY will come to US. More money saved, more talent hauled in than Turgeon ever could have without rubbing the lamp of a genie that coached AAU ball and then hiring him.
-The Rec: The whole team could be the "6th Man/12th Man" for all I care. It means I don't have to leave town or give scholarships (oh yeah, no scholarships for the other players either). We found Chris Walker and Gahan at the rec. Who's to say the next Blake Griffin isn't wasting his time with racquetball there right now? BCG always said he wanted a team of Chris Walkers. We would make it come true.
COACHING: I'm not really sure how this will work once the original staff dissembles. I have no real idea of how to coach a basketball team. Maybe we'll play NBA Live on the Dreamcast and get a few plays from there. Maybe they'll remember something someone else taught them. Maybe I'll pay them under the table.
But there's NO maybe when it comes to HUSTLE and WANTING IT and PLAYING TOUGH. Tough enough to gouge a few eyes, elbow a few groins, headbutt a few teeth. But Coach Uppercut, you'll say, isn't that dirty basketball? You're not welcome here. Also, the refs will have their palms greased by so many Hamiltons and Madisons that they'll gladly look the other way. That's got to worth at least a few wins over some of those schools from Louisiana we play every year.
5. GIMMICKS
Since we all know basketball is boring, we need a few gimmicks to get people in the doors, if G. Rollie's are still on their hinges.
-Beer: Two free beers per ticket against any team ends with "A&M", "Baptist", "Presbyterian", "College", or "Rice".
One free beer per ticket against any team that ends in "State" or is someone's proper name like "Wagner".
All other nights, beer is $1 for Pearls and $2 for the beer that I'm sure the company that makes the nachos brews.
-Dance Team: Some say the dance team is boring. Some say it may be too 'vulgar' for their kids. Others say that these are peoples' daughters and we should applaud their efforts. My dance team will be none of these. They will be exciting, there will be no "may" about their vulgarity, and they will be no one's daughters.
All routines will done in the thing Raquel Welch wore during the movie "10,000 BC". In December, they'll wear a Santa hat with the same costume. Offensive you say? You're not welcome at "new" basketball, as you obviously don't get 'it'. Texas A&M doesn't need cheerleaders. We're so far behind in that category, we need to go straight to pseudo-strippers.
-Scheduling: I promise a home and home with UConn, UCLA, Duke, UNC, and Kentucky on a yearly basis. I'm sure no one has thought of just asking nicely before now.
-Coach gimmick: Barone had the tie. Knight had the sweater. Some rip off their jacket.
I will have tearaway pants.
When my anger reaches a peak, they'll be torn off, and I must admit I'm a hairy guy. What I'm wearing (or not wearing) underneath will change game to game, and be part of the allure of the gimmick. If that doesn't get the crowd, team, and announcers pumped I don't know what will.
People often say A&M needs a coach that gets the school. Others say we need a coach that just wins. I went to A&M and understand our desire to win in basketball. Wins....not so much. But tell me this wouldn't be a hell of a good time. We may not win any championships, or that many games, or preserve and kind of self-respect, but we'd drink some beers and have a hell of a good time while saving the athletic department in the process. Who's with me?
Byrne, you can reach me on Texags.
It's obvious that Temper Tantrum Turgeon (TTT) hates it here and that the team he puts on the court is boring and not very good. But how much does this guy get paid to embarrass us across the nation every year? 1.5 MILLION dollars, plus the use of a state van. WHAT....A....RIPOFF. He's never even been to a Top Two, little less an Excellent Eight.
So I'm campaigning here for head coach for when Turgeon gives up his charade and is selling preserves by the overpass. If we're going to suck, we might as well be interesting.
1. The Athletic Department is in the red. We need money, and we aren't going to get any throwing money around at coaches who can't put a top 5 team on the court, or building locker rooms for athletes that have never hustled as much as Chris Walker in their lives. CW hustles more twisting open an Oreo (he doesn't eat them) than this team does playing basketball. A lot of this plan includes cutting expenditures and increasing profits. I don't know if those words are right, but they sound like business words. I'm a coach, not a businessman BYRNE.
2. SELL REED ARENA
Do we even own Reed Arena? Do the Reeds? The state? The Masons? I'm pretty sure it was built by Habitat for Humanity anyway, so it won't be missed. My plan for selling is to make a bid to Breakaway Ministries. They have bigger attendance figures than basketball, so they need more space than my club in the first place. It could also serve as overflow from all the study space that's constantly filled at the library. If the Housing Fair and Songfest want to get involved, that's their problem. Breakaway teaches fairness and compassion (probably), so maybe they'll let them rent. We're selling BECAUSE....
3. WE'RE MOVING BACK TO G. ROLLIE
It suits the crowd size better, and we won't have to pay for air conditioning because I don't think it has any. Byrne will probably give me lip over the loss in capacity, but when your crowds are what ours are, there probably isn't a fire marshal in attendance. We can probably fit the extra corps attendance around the floor and do just fine. Volleyball will be moved to a sand pit somewhere in Spence. I hate sharing.
4. SALARY, COACHING, HIRING, AND RECRUITING AND SALARY
Salary: I'm willing to do this for...122k a year plus bonuses plus incentives plus moving expenses plus oil and gas rights to G. Rollie. Bargain. Budget crisis solved (over 16 years). You're welcome, Bill. The incentive being that I turn the program kickass. Which I will.
Hiring: BCG is coming back. (waits for applause to die down). Since we don't want to waste that much money on basketball, however, he will have to come back as a graduate assistant making 7 dollars an hour. I don't know how his test scores are, but I think we can find him a spot in the communications department.
Also, I think Logan Lee and Chris Walker live in College Station. If they're good Ags, they'll join the staff in an unpaid intern role. Kirk is already there, so I'll approach him too. At best, I can see if I can get the coaching hours to count as community service...just in case. Members of the 03-04 team will be encouraged to have sons that they force to come play basketball at A&M so we have a feel good story some 18 years from now.
RECRUITING: I expect the coaching staff to draw interest from recruits to start off, but once they move on to jobs at UNC, Kansas, Baylor, and Ouachita Baptist, my strategy will be twofold.
-Become known as a last resort for players that couldn't play elsewhere. I won't be "hitting the road" to recruit as much as assembling a poorly made geocities website where players can submit applications. THEY will come to US. More money saved, more talent hauled in than Turgeon ever could have without rubbing the lamp of a genie that coached AAU ball and then hiring him.
-The Rec: The whole team could be the "6th Man/12th Man" for all I care. It means I don't have to leave town or give scholarships (oh yeah, no scholarships for the other players either). We found Chris Walker and Gahan at the rec. Who's to say the next Blake Griffin isn't wasting his time with racquetball there right now? BCG always said he wanted a team of Chris Walkers. We would make it come true.
COACHING: I'm not really sure how this will work once the original staff dissembles. I have no real idea of how to coach a basketball team. Maybe we'll play NBA Live on the Dreamcast and get a few plays from there. Maybe they'll remember something someone else taught them. Maybe I'll pay them under the table.
But there's NO maybe when it comes to HUSTLE and WANTING IT and PLAYING TOUGH. Tough enough to gouge a few eyes, elbow a few groins, headbutt a few teeth. But Coach Uppercut, you'll say, isn't that dirty basketball? You're not welcome here. Also, the refs will have their palms greased by so many Hamiltons and Madisons that they'll gladly look the other way. That's got to worth at least a few wins over some of those schools from Louisiana we play every year.
5. GIMMICKS
Since we all know basketball is boring, we need a few gimmicks to get people in the doors, if G. Rollie's are still on their hinges.
-Beer: Two free beers per ticket against any team ends with "A&M", "Baptist", "Presbyterian", "College", or "Rice".
One free beer per ticket against any team that ends in "State" or is someone's proper name like "Wagner".
All other nights, beer is $1 for Pearls and $2 for the beer that I'm sure the company that makes the nachos brews.
-Dance Team: Some say the dance team is boring. Some say it may be too 'vulgar' for their kids. Others say that these are peoples' daughters and we should applaud their efforts. My dance team will be none of these. They will be exciting, there will be no "may" about their vulgarity, and they will be no one's daughters.
All routines will done in the thing Raquel Welch wore during the movie "10,000 BC". In December, they'll wear a Santa hat with the same costume. Offensive you say? You're not welcome at "new" basketball, as you obviously don't get 'it'. Texas A&M doesn't need cheerleaders. We're so far behind in that category, we need to go straight to pseudo-strippers.
-Scheduling: I promise a home and home with UConn, UCLA, Duke, UNC, and Kentucky on a yearly basis. I'm sure no one has thought of just asking nicely before now.
-Coach gimmick: Barone had the tie. Knight had the sweater. Some rip off their jacket.
I will have tearaway pants.
When my anger reaches a peak, they'll be torn off, and I must admit I'm a hairy guy. What I'm wearing (or not wearing) underneath will change game to game, and be part of the allure of the gimmick. If that doesn't get the crowd, team, and announcers pumped I don't know what will.
People often say A&M needs a coach that gets the school. Others say we need a coach that just wins. I went to A&M and understand our desire to win in basketball. Wins....not so much. But tell me this wouldn't be a hell of a good time. We may not win any championships, or that many games, or preserve and kind of self-respect, but we'd drink some beers and have a hell of a good time while saving the athletic department in the process. Who's with me?
Byrne, you can reach me on Texags.
