Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes

9,008 Views | 63 Replies | Last: 8 yr ago by lctag
mike_ags_fan12
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4:30p, 6/30/15
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no. But I will want a regular Banana later, so Yes."
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8
Fonzie Scheme
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4:33p, 6/30/15
AG
What happened to the DuFresnes?
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Frederick Palowaski
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4:33p, 6/30/15
AG
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
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redd38
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4:34p, 6/30/15
AG
The worst part about Mitch Hedberg jokes is they're all like 10 years old.
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mike_ags_fan12
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4:35p, 6/30/15
I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
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AliasMan02
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4:35p, 6/30/15
AG
Escalator temporarily stairs.
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12
Goose
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4:37p, 6/30/15
AG
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
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17
toucan82
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4:45p, 6/30/15
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.
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13
PrincessButtercup
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4:51p, 6/30/15
AG
Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.
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Knife_Party
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4:52p, 6/30/15
Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person.
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tford12
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4:54p, 6/30/15
AG
the best stocking stuffer is a severed foot
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tford12
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4:59p, 6/30/15
AG
I went to the Dr., but all he did was suck blood from my neck...
Don't go see Dr. Acula.
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mike_ags_fan12
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5:02p, 6/30/15
I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.
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Professor Frick
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5:03p, 6/30/15
AG
You're a great chef. Can you FARM??
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Ragoo
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5:06p, 6/30/15
AG
I would like the job of naming appliances, all you do it is state what it does and ad "er".

Appliance naming Institute:
"What does this thing do?"
"it keeps **** fresh."
"Well, that's a fresher, I'm going on break."
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12
astros4545
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5:12p, 6/30/15
AG
I had a parrot that spoke
But it didn't tell me it was hungry
So it died
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14
boy09
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5:48p, 6/30/15
AG
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses or two dumpsters.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
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TexasRebel
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6:00p, 6/30/15
AG
I take the round-a-bout AIDS test...

Hey, Charlie, do you know anybody with AIDS?

No? Good, because you know me.
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jr15aggie
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In reply to Goose • 6:08p, 6/30/15
AG
quote:
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
Always.... friggin ALWAYS... it's 2 AM when these things decide to tell you that it needs a new battery! BEEP *waits 30 seconds* BEEP *it knows you can't sleep through it* BEEP!
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boy09
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6:18p, 6/30/15
AG
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the ****er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the ****er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it."

To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
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lctag
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6:39p, 6/30/15
AG
Tennis is a frustrating sport, because no matter how much you practice you will never be as good as a wall.

I have played a wall - they are ****ing relentless.
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7
FOUR THIN INCHES
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6:46p, 6/30/15
AG
I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that.
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pdc093
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6:48p, 6/30/15
Excellent!
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EFE
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6:48p, 6/30/15
AG
Wish I could play little league now. I kick some fcking ass.
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SteadicaTm
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7:30p, 6/30/15
AG
A fly was close to being called a land. Because that's what it does half the time.
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8:45p, 6/30/15
213 Grove
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In reply to AliasMan02 • 8:56p, 6/30/15
AG
quote:
Escalator temporarily stairs.


Sorry for the convenience
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TheHulkster
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9:01p, 6/30/15
AG
I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut . I don't need a receipt for the donut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the donut, end of transaction.

We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under "D".
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TexasRebel
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9:08p, 6/30/15
AG
A banana is like a traffic light only backwards.

Green means "wait", yellow means "go ahead"...
And red means "where the **** did you get that banana"?!
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technoengr
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9:26p, 6/30/15
AG
I saw this wino. He was eating some grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
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lctag
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10:10p, 6/30/15
AG
Shouldn't I be the one that determines how many bedrooms my house has in it? And this bedroom has a stove and oven in it......
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lctag
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10:13p, 6/30/15
AG
I think the Pringles company originally wanted to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber truck was supposed to arrive a truck full of potatoes showed up instead.
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mike_ags_fan12
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11:39p, 6/30/15
My girlfriend works at hooters. In the kitchen.
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astros4545
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12:12a, 7/1/15
AG
I love refried beans, but I really want to try fried beans. Because maybe they are just as good, and we are just wasting time
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Esteban du Plantier
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12:38a, 7/1/15
AG
"I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

Hits home because I collect quality pens.

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