maybe NSFW jokes

22,532 Views | 88 Replies | Last: 8 yr ago by big ben
emando2000
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2:39p, 2/10/15
AG
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended
that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she
went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you
crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery,
reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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emando2000
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2:41p, 2/10/15
AG
A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-NGoan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That's not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," argues the caller.

"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.

The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!"

The DJ quickly hangs up.

About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.

When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."

The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"

To which the caller responds, "It's Smee again......Goan **** yourself!"
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8
Producers_96
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8:37p, 2/10/15
AG
Four nuns who volunteer at a hospital are riding down the road in a van on their way back to the convent, when suddenly an oncoming car swerves into their lane. The nun who was driving swerves to avoid the car, but drives off the road and into a tree. All four nuns die in the accident.

Being nuns, they found themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "No one is without sin, Sister. Confess your greatest sin if you wish to see heaven."

The first nun says, "Well, St. Peter, there was this male patient of ours, and I just couldn't help myself. I looked at his...um, you know..." St. Peter points toward a basin filled with Holy Water, and tells the first nun to wash her eyes out before walking through the Pearly Gates.

The second nun walks up, and says, "Well, St. Peter, that patient that she was talking about? I just couldn't help myself, and I touched his...um, you know..." St. Peter points toward the basin and tells the second nun to wash her hands before walking through the Pearly Gates.

Suddenly, the fourth nun pushes the third nun out of the way, runs to the basin, and starts shoveling Holy Water into her mouth.

Stunned, St. Peter asks, "What did you do that for?"

The fourth nun points at the third nun and says, "I had to get to the holy water before she stuck her ass in it!"
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18
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Madaman
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9:04a, 2/11/15
LMAO
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Holly Golightly
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3:28p, 5/4/15
AG
quote:
quote:
There was this 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come on in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with one named Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Hold on a minute.....Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.
...and HE'S the mother****er who ran over my FROG!!!!!
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Holly Golightly
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3:29p, 5/4/15
AG
Oral Sex Survey

quote:
*5,000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.*
>
> _
>
> 1% LIKED THE WARMTH,
>
>
> 2% LIKED THE SENSATION,
>
>
> 3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
>
>
> 94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.
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15
CoppellAg93
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3:40p, 5/4/15
AG
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a duck under his arm and says "Here's the pig I've been banging".

The man's wife, who is laying in bed, says "You idiot - that's not a pig - it's a duck."

The guy says "I wasn't talking to you !"
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8
flyingaggie12
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7:18p, 5/4/15
AG
MOAR!
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Potcake
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7:27p, 5/4/15
AG
Kid with frog is awesome
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shafter
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8:28p, 5/4/15
AG
What do you call the hair between your grandmother's tits?




Her vagina.
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1
GasPasser97
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9:23p, 5/4/15
AG
What does old lady ***** taste like?

Depends....
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bdgol07
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9:36p, 5/4/15
AG
Two nuns are riding bikes down an unfamiliar road when one all of a sudden breaks into a loud orgasmic moan. The other nun looks at her and asks if she's ok.

She's replied " yea it's the cobblestones, I've never come this way before"
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mbrooking
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In reply to Holly Golightly • 9:53p, 5/4/15
AG
quote:
Oral Sex Survey

quote:
*5,000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.*
>
> _
>
> 1% LIKED THE WARMTH,
>
>
> 2% LIKED THE SENSATION,
>
>
> 3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
>
>
> 100% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.


FIFY
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Max06
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10:13p, 5/4/15
AG
Barbie and Ken were an item, right? Well, why didn't Barbie ever get knocked up?










Because Ken always came in a separate box.
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Herknav
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10:24p, 5/4/15
AG
??What's foreplay in Alabama? "Hey Sis, you awake?"

??What's foreplay in Texas? "Get in the truck, biitcH!
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wbt5845
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10:49p, 5/4/15
AG
Dad takes his daughter to the doctor.

After examining her, the doctor comes out and concerned, asks the dad "is your daughter sexually active?"

"Naw" he replies. "She just lays there like her mother".
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Ag03 CQE
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11:16p, 5/4/15
AG
I was at a pub in Scotland and the only seat left was at a table near a window where an old man was sitting sipping g a pint. I asked the old man if I could join him and he obliged.

As soon as I sat down he pointed out the window to a low stone wall separating two fields and said in a thick Scottish accent "do you see that wall? When I was a young lad I built that wall, stone by stone, with me own two hands and it's been standing for over 50 years, but do they call me O'Malley the wall builder? No."

The man, who's name I now knew was O'Malley, finished his pint and ordered another. When it arrived, he took a drink and pointed out the window again, this time to a long pier stretching out into a nearby loch, and said "do you see that pier, stretching out into the depths of the loch? When I was a young lad, I built that pier, plank by plank, with me own two hands, and it's been standing for over 40 years, but do they call me O'Malley the pier builder? No."

Then O'Malley glanced around the pub, leaned in close, and said in a low voice

"...but you **** one goat..."

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3
Drawkcab
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1:03a, 5/5/15
I'm highly offended by the nun jokes and the general lack of respect for the sanctity of marriage in this thread. I'm gonna shoot you ****ers!
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G.I.Bro
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11:53a, 5/5/15
Mickey mouse goes to a divorce attorney and says he wants to divorce minney. The attorney says he can help and asks mickey to explain why he wants a divorce.

Mickey tells him and the attorney says, "well mickey, I can help you out, but on a personal level I think you should reconsider at this time. If you truly think your wife is going crazy, you might to to stick by her side."

Mickeys says, "you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was going crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy"
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big ben
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8:43p, 5/5/15
AG
And thats how the fight started.....







One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didnt buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still havent used the gift I bought you last year!"

And thats how the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I asked my wife,

"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I havent been in a long time!"

she said..

So I suggested,

"How about the kitchen?"

And thats when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have Sex?"

"No,"

she answered. I then said,

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn"t even look at me this time, simply saying

"Yes.."

So I said, "Then Id like to phone a friend."


And thats when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I will have the rump steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Arent you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And thats when the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.


She asked, "Whats on TV?"

I said, "Dust"

And then the fight started..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table...

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed,

"He is my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn"t been sober
since."

"My !" I said,

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn"t believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then u must be Grumpy?"
And then the fight started


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldnt run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
shed, the Ute, making beer... Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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