Substitute "down" with "in" and "throat" with "vagina". Same principle. It's all good.

GN

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I've read this 4 times, and still don't get it.

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Have you ever played any of the ripoff midway games at a carnival?

If you do the minimum to win, you get to choose the crappy prizes on the bottom shelf. You can then play again and if you win you can trade in the lower shelf prize for something from the next higher shelf. In the end you play dozens of times and pay $100 to win a $20 stuffed bear the size of a middle-schooler.

Thank you, I'll be here all night. Enjoy the veal and please remember to tip your waitress.

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A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys.

Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere, but they get it on.


When they’re done, the guy asks, “How was I?”


She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

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I hope you made this up yourself.

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neighbour

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received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend, who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue'

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Rule #1

Didn't you read the last two lines? Nobody wants to see that!

From: PAULPADRE@aol.com
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 16:37:54 -0400
Subject: Up or down
To: paulpadre@aol.com

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown.

Is that how they fish in Ohio?

I wouldn't trust a fish out of the Ohio river

What do you get when a woman forgets to wear panties in the winter time?


CHAPPED LIPS.

Thank you, Thank you. That was my joke from when I was 10 years old...

May I never have to worry about a high sperm count. Amen.

Do you like websites?

Do you like gladiator movies?

A man went to the doctor and said "doc, you gotta help me. I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

The doctor says "hold on, I've got some cream for that."

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I doubt she would go back with him the next day if she really felt that the threat was real

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you're welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."



That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked, too! The *****!"

He turned to the hit man. "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."

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I doubt she would go back with him the next day if she really felt that the threat was real

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Anti-Jokes